What are you supposed to do?

[MyLoveGoesWithYou]

I dont want to be apathetic towards ways I've acted, but going forward, "just trying to be a good person" feels empty to me. It's confusing, how to interpret these things. Not liking myself infects my life, but I don't like being penitent. I would choose the things I had before I marked myself like this by my actions, over walking around groveling to everyone. It all seems so stupid. In the inner sanctum of my mind I don't give a $#%^.

Once, years ago, I made another post in here under a different name, that was very passionate, very self-flagellating, with a desperate hope to feel good about myself again, to live together with people. But I cant feel anything in that anymore. If I can't be given my innocence back I'll just take it.

When I witness any moral judgement in the world now, it washes over me, it's like a fart in the wind. The cliches people say fall flat. None of it's enough for me. There's no attitude correction somebody could give to me, I'm unreachable. I just want what I wanted in the first instance. If I look back at my life story, really focusing on the sequence of events, I can see quite clearly how , I really CAN blame the people around me! They gave me nothing, they trivialized my emotions, they made it feel like nothing mattered, that there were no stakes. My parents denied my emotions my whole life, until I got big and screamed at them, now they're like cowed animals, who huddle
in their room.

If you're going to put on this mask like you don't care, then you shouldn't care that I hurt you! Your pouty face hiding your legs-wobbling newborn calf, freaky eyes. You look stupid. You're not fooling anyone. It reads an invitation to break through. I have a violent instinct towards peoples defenses. Their double standards, incoherent values, inconsistent judgement.

Every permission you grant yourself in the privacy of your own skull, I will make symmetrical. I will
tear through your lip service.

You can call it victim blaming. Knock yourself out! Call it many, many words.
Read books about it, invoke academic jargon.
Instead of blaming, let's call it explaining!
The people I hurt drowned out my entire being before I ever did anything

There was a time I wanted nothing more to love and be loved. I was an extremely expressive child, and talked to my friends all the time. If that's nothing to you, then your judgement can get a jack off motion in return

-- Wed Sep 06, 2023 5:27 pm --

To anybody reading this, After I sent the thread I felt I could see a way to be good again. I've been very confused lately, and my mind and sense of self have atrophied. Trying to be other-directed today. Sunlight hurts and each word choice is excruciating, its like theres no friction, i can never grasp. Oh well I should quit my whining, i wish for a good day whoever is reading this