Genetics

[SlyAl]

I've never been able to publicly discuss my thoughts on this before and I didn't join this forum to do so but since this forum topic exists I think I will take the opportunity to do so.

My Father sexually molested my Sister when she was 14, she is now 56 and still hasn't gotten over it. She blames me partially for it because when my parents divorced I chose to live with my Father and the Judge made her go with me prior to her abuse. I've been paying my mother back for that decision for years now, she lives with me but I do charge her $500 a month for rent. My Step Father was wonderful, he put up with two teen kids who couldn't make up their minds where they wanted to live, who accused him, umnfairly of abuse in order to get my way with the Judge when there was no abuse. He paid $150 a month in long distance fees when I was in Germany because my mother would have temper tantrums if I quit calling and I was too cheap to pay for the call.

Anyhow, years after my sister, my father sexually molested another half sister of mine when she was 14 even though he had severe ED problems he did with a pen among other things. She is now in her 20's. She reported the abuse and he ended up serving 5 years in Prison for it. He claims her Lesbian mother mad her lie about the abuse but we all know better. He became ordained in Prison and now lives in Oklahoma as a Preacher. I used to try to reason with him, I told him I understand having urges but we are not animals who have to act out on our urges we can choose a better path. Especially with our own daughters whom we are supposed to be protecting from predators not being one. Everytime I told him I felt sorry for him he used the opportunity to claim his innocence so our entire family has refused to communicate with him ever again.

He never sexually molested me. However, he did try to get me to have sex with my sisters friends when I was a kid and I tried but they didn't like me. I was with him when he picked up an underage hiker and got her a room and then had a temper tantrum when she refused to have sex with him. But I don't think he is a Pedophile he's something else. He had sex with any women who had self esteem problems or made a mistake of trusting him. Mentally retarded girls, Old women, women suffering from spousal abuse, and little girls.

My Fathers Brother, sexually abused his daughters when they were about 14 years old and his wife walked in on him and did nothing about it. My fathers, Father allegedly sexually abused my Uncle and my mother believes my father as well although he swears he was a mamas boy and his mother wouldn't allow it. His father routinely took his brother out behind the shed and beat the crap out of him. My Uncle hated my father because he wasn't abused like my Uncle was.

First off let me state I have not have sexual relations with any underage girl since 1981 and even then I didn't have intercourse. I told my father I once got sexually aroused while petting a cat, but I did not have sex with that cat, We are not animals who have to operate on instinct or as I call it our urges. Another half sister, on my mothers side, used to act like I sexually abused her or she was afraid of doing so when I was in my mid 20's and she was 14. But the thought never entered my mind, I thought she was attractive, but I never ever thought of her sexually. I found out years later that my Step Brother did sexually molest her.

When I was 15 I had relations with sisters, one of whom was 14, and we used to fool around on her mothers waterbed while their single mother was in the house. One day they flashed me and my anxiety took over and I almost literally ran away claiming I had to go home because of the time. I spent years regretting that decision until relatively recently I realized They must've been sexually molested by their mothers boyfriend which was why they were sexually permissive. The next guy got her pregnant before she was 16 and with a fake id she became a striper. She had a second child prior to her 18th birthday and I realized if I hadn't of run away I would have gotten her pregnant.

There was another girl when I was 15 who I used to tease about stripping her clothes off like a banana peel. One day she came over grabbed my hand and dragged to my room were we made out. She would say do her breasts and I would, then she would say do me and I thought she meant kiss her. After 90 minutes of that and me not taking the inicitive she got up and left. I came close to tears trying to convince her to stay. Again I spent years beating myself up about that. But, I found out that Her parents found out about what happened and she wanted to know why it was just a big deal when she was having sex with her step father. Instead of calling the cops, they sent her to live with her Grandmother. I thought they were embarrassed that she was with me, I was a paria back then everyone made fun of me and that was why they sent her away. Since I've been medicated I can see what happened and make sense of things now. I'm bipolar and didn't get diagnosed and medicated until deep in my 40's.

In Germany when I was 18, the 14 year old daughter of the Guesthouse landlord came into my bedroom late at night in a completely see through nighty saying she couldn't sleep. I beat myself up for years for not inviting her into my bed, I was scared and gave her my Donkey Kong Arcade game instead and sent her back to her room. In Germany 14 was the legal age and everyone in my unit had sex with 14 and even one particular 13 year old who I think had sex with everyone in the unit except for me. Again I realized much later she just wanted to get pregnant and collect Government aid and COLA child support like her two older sisters. But I always wondered what if.

Anyhow I have never had sex with anyone since 1987, and never while in the United States. I'm lonely and wish I married young and stayed married forever. In 2005 I got into an arrange marriage with my half brother's wife's sister who wanted a green card. I dated her a month before marrying her., She spoke no english, we used a translator book to communicate. She refused to have sex on my wedding night. I told her no sex no marriage and she went to live with her sister. Then had me arested for attempted rape and making threats to get sex. The only threat I made was to divorce her. She ended up marrying a bald old guy with a work permit who she thought was rich because his family owned a Restraunt. He was the dishwasher, just because your relatives are rich doesn't make you rich. She had a kid he's about 10 now and she's single again. I learned that the wrong woman was worse than no woman.

I need a companion, someone to talk to and someone to have sex with. My mother tries to fix me so I minimize the problems I talk to her about and my sister is undiagnosed bipolar just got medicare a year ago and still hasn't seen a doctor for it, refuses to talk to me says she doesn't want depressed people making her depressed. We live in the same house and don't talk.

Anyhow I worry I might be a pedophile. I am attracted to smooth unblemished hairless skin. However most of the Celebrities in Hollywood are like that and I'm attracted to them. I once asked a girl out at work and noticed her name tag had a name of a High School on it and asked her about it. Apparently she was a High school student working as an intern. I backed off fast embarrshed and didn't pursue that any further.

I need a partner but find wrinkles to be a turn off and at my age and my poverty level means I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. And while I do find some underage girls attractive, I have not pursued them either physically or in thought. It is possible to think someone is attractive without getting sexually interested. But for many years I worried that genetics made me a pedophile. Now that I'm on bipolar medication it's easier to see the world the way it really is instead of through the haze of fear, anxiety, and anger I used to view it.