28m (UK) & feel life is entirely not worth living because:

[LifeOver321ZERO]

1. Trauma from being sexually/physically abused aged four by close (mum and grandad) family members - causing Peyronie's Disease and sporadic Hard-Flaccid Syndrome - and of being told repeatedly throughout my life that: A) I imagined it; B) I made it up; C) I must have caused the injury myself; D) I must have been born with the deformity; and E) that I am a piece of $#%^ for saying such things - can’t even tell you how traumatic this and the aftermath have been for me - nightmares, flashbacks, thinking i imagined it and trying to cling to that until i had no choice to accept alone that she was lying (i invite you to picture a child lying awake at night grappling with these thoughts, for years) - more recently she has accused me of gaslighting her when I've talked about it and claimed that I never brought it up until after tried magical mushrooms (this can bring repressed $#%^ up and booooy did it) about a year ago despite me asking her about it many times throughout my childhood and often complaining of pain after the incident. Waking up one morning about a year after (aged 5) and finding the formation of scar tissue had deformed and somewhat desensitised my penis was no picnic either; nor is the sickeningly uncomfortable fact that my dick has not worked at full capacity since before the age of 5; and nor were the flashbacks of a sharp and grisly pain in my penis (and of the emotional pain) - I’ll get to why that's in the past tense later - in the middle of otherwise pleasant sexy time

2. Narcissistic psychological abuse by my mother spanning my entire life - gaslighting to cover up previous abuse, ######6 for fun, sabotaging and talking me down, bullying, shaming / scapegoating, being forced to walk and stand in a way that would make my legs appear less bowed but eventually cause my arches to collapse and a great deal of joint pain until started walking how I would have done had she not bullied me into dong it the way she wanted me to from a young age, and being forced to consume cow’s milk despite being diagnosed lactose intolerant as a baby (which i was not told until much later) causing me to have a bad stomach pretty much all the time as a child (and apparently serotonin deficiency too) but she still never accepted that i could possibly be lactose intolerant; my grandad and younger brother colluded in and facilitated this abuse with a few of their own recipes too (no dad... or extended family...)

3. Troubling intrusive thoughts of a sexual nature, which I believe were caused by my experience of child sexual abuse

4. Severe Peyronie’s Disease, Hard Flaccid Syndrome and scarring to Corporal Spongiosum (causing a Urethral Stricture at the lacuna magna near the urethral orifice) due to long-term / gradually escalating physical abuse by possessive and manipulative ex-girlfriend (relationship lasted 2 years & ended 4 years ago), actually preventing both penetration & orgasm - pretty big one here... being gaslighted by family to believe that i was being oversensitive or dramatic, and unable to get my ex to leave my place (a large bedroom in a shared house) that i had already felt pressured into letting her move into in the first place - her notoriously unreliable had friend let her down on getting a flat together and I ended up with her bawling her face off in my room - even though she had more than enough money to get her OWN FLAT, let alone her own room in a house - but she had already lent me money when student finance temporarily withheld my student loan and my grandad didn't want to help me out... and she had unexpectedly showered me with gifts for Xmas when we had been together only a few months (she had very rich parents) so I felt I had no choice but to let her stay with me in my uni house... I literally felt like it was just what she expected of me and me being weak (and traumatised - particularly by my mothers' three recent suicide 'attempts' during my stressful intensive 1 year course at college that i had had to spend the final month of sleeping on my up-all-night-pothead-friend's floor when my mum made me leave temporarily, being beaten up by my 6ft10 / 208cm brother (17yo then; 25yo now) and subsequently arrested and detained overnight (for common assault as my mum and brother both made me out to be the problem after she let him beat me over the head repeatedly) and not allowed to return home two weeks before i was due to move to another city for uni - had to stay with my grandad and returned later for my clothes etc; unsupported; and struggling with my mental health) I just let it happen...

5. Not being believed by family / friends when I repeatedly disclosed that my ex was abusing me and that it kept getting worse, abuse which went on for two years - No Further Action by Police when I made a report

6. Loss of contact with / abandonment by / I ###$ it up with - a uni classmate that I had strong feelings for; she did not take my claims of being abused seriously either as she, understandably, did not want to have anything to do with my relationship - but I was in a desperate situation...

7. Criminal record preventing most careers - my degrees are worthless, the postgraduate scholarship for an MSc from a very prestigious uni was wasted on me - not that I didn't finish it (started drinking heavily and got myself into trouble after my ex finally left - but she overdosed the day after broke up with her over the phone once she was already back at her parents' back across the channel - got in trouble again a few months ago when I had become temporarily homeless after drinking and being awake for 30 hours

8. Loss of friends / bad friends

9. Alcohol problem - not daily

10. Little hope for the future, due to sexual, social, and financial failure; and interpersonal difficulties that make me doubt my ability to form meaningful relationships in future - and my mum's apparent satisfaction at this - although she fervently insists that she cares deeply about me which am 100% is more about appearances/self-image than anything else

11.Humiliation and poor treatment associated with being a psychiatric in-patient (3 times in 2021), being unemployed, and living in a hostel

12.Bed bugs (again)

13. Agreement (only after I'd been actively suicidal for over a year) and subsequent U-turn (last week) of my grandad to pay £7000 for private health treatment to undo some of the severe damage to my penis (not that I liked having to talk about it)

I had really hoped that my life might go somewhere (exciting & rewarding career; financial security; good health; adorable pets; lovely partner; happy kids etc.) and that it would be long, happy and fulfilling; that hope is gone.