God-awful nostalgia, wasted youth, dud of a man

[mikesdavid]

Hello again. I have had a long and tedious absence from psychforums. Many simultaneously #######5 and boring things have happened in the interim. First, I have to comment on what a stupid little nothing of a twat I was whatever number of years ago I started posing here. Exactly the type to plaster two dollar words throughout his post to try and give off the impression of intelligence. I am anything but intelligent. I have come here to wallow in self pity, one of the few pleasures I have in life. Recently, I was perma-banned from reddit for being a toxic asshole. I won't deny it at all. When I was most enraged and miserable, I would go there to make other people feel horrible. For the same stupid reason, I was banned from my youtube account as well. So I am here to vent. I have been feeling the jitters from not being able to spew my misery out anywhere.



I am a worthless person. I have been nothing but a negative, defeatist, lazy moron for as long as I can remember. I am a gross mess of a person whom noone would ever touch or love. I squandered and squandered and squandered every opportunity that came my way in my youth. Those that I did not squander, I fumbled spectacularily because I am a ###$. I've lost the opportunities for jobs just because I wasn't listening closely enough and missed an appointment. I've been fired twice, rightly so. Once because I couldn't ######6 bag groceries properly and I didn't look at the schedule right because I am a absolute chump nobody loser. What type of a degenerate reject gets overwhelmed from bagging ######6 groceries. I am a total loser with payed diagnoses to explain away his character flaws. First it was ADHD then NVLD then depression. The priviliege of having moneyed parents, you get to have excuses for why your a ######6 chump. I don't care, all I know is I cannot focus long enough to develop anything called a deep hobby or interest. I flit about in medciocrety a sort of jack of no trades. I just lack the patience or confidence to get good at anything. I'm an un-impressive lump. First it was the military, then the french foreign legion, then I would be a bike mechanic and open my own shop, then a heavy duty mechanic, then a millwright, then a mushroom farmer, then a famous writer, then a ballistics specialist, then a police cadet, then a drug-dealer, then a robber, then a stand up comedian, then a JTF2 operative, I was going to run into the woods and become some sort of into the wild bushcraft reject. I was going to hike the appalachian trail, sail accross the pacific, become a weapons designer. I would be a special person, so different than all the other "sheep". So ######6 special I thought I was, and I let the time pass me by without making a real effort tp change my attitude which is at the core of my misery. I could see all my shortcomings, no real basis for self esteem as a child. My hand-eye coordination and spatial reasoning were and are abysmal. I couldnt point south if you gave me a compass. I was abysmal in sport, abysmal in socializaiton, below mediocre in academics. I was a worthelss putz, like I said, absolutely no basis for self-esteem. Is it any wonder that I emerged from childhood a quivering pessimistic pussy?



At my most angry I would fantasize about serial murder or mass killing. I spent the best years of my life with empty fantasies of a ######6 weirdo freak. Yes, robber and drug dealer were legitameitly considered, though all I did was fantasize about it and jerk off to how cool and edgy it would be. Let me assure you that I put about a gram of effort into each of these desperate attempts to ecsape boredom and responsibility.



All I try to do is avoid responsibility. Now, at 24, I can feel the youth draining out of me. Finally I feel the urge to suck it up and get on with life like an adult, after a showy fake suicide attempt that lost me more than half my money, all of my self-respect, and got me into a court case. I could have gone to jail for five years, but this was ruled out yesterday. I didn't care when I heard the news. I fel nothing but despair, still. I live in a prison already, that of my poorly functioning broken mind. I am still a lump of felonious $#%^ that everyone will rightly fear and look down on when they really get to know me. I am still a 24 year old virgin who doesn't know what its like to be loved or valued by someone who isn't his mommy. I had a little money, access to a car, a license, I had something, before I decided to go full retard and lead the cops on a car chase. But then I decided to drink 24 beers. I decided I was going to swallow all of my medication and that would solve everything. I didn't even have the balls to try it. I smacked my car right into a chain-link fence before I got the chance.



I am a insidiously lonely person. I don't have friends, I don't have relationships. I used to talk to my brother sometimes, but it has been awkward ever since I made the dumbest decision of my life. I could have just quit the job I hated, but it felt to wrong. It felt like I would be miserable forever if I didn't try to stop it. I would always be working dead-end jobs, always lonely. So I did something stupid. And I am worse off for it. I didn't end up dead, just a bigger loser. With less money, no car, and I'm waiting at least three years to get my license back. My parents don't trust me at all anymore. The only thing I'm semi-proud of in my life is doing this three day hike solo. For very petty reasons as well. I don't even particularily enjoy hiking, just the idea of being out their on my own and living without others. I enjoyed it when I came back from the hike and told everyone. "On your own?" they would say with this shocked tone to their voice. It was gratifying to see these people, these "normies" (lol), terrified by the mere act of someone doing things on their own. I HAVE to do things on my own. It is the only bit of strength I can hold over others. Yes, I am an asshole, a total prick. WHo wastes their time feeling superior to others? A narcissistic stain of a person, which I am. WHat other kind of person would attack peoples character on the internet just to big themselves up? A coward. That is what I am. An angry violent resentful bitter coward. I have realized over time that I am not some sensitive ######6 high-brow, like I chose to think. I have allot less empathy than I thought I did. Most of my feelings towards others include jealousy, annoyance, and angry desire. Thats it. Besides that, all I do is think of my own predicament.



"What am I getting, is it what I want, why am I such a loser, why are they better than me, they deserve nothing, why shouldn't I have whatever I want when I want it"



Yes, I am an insular twat constantly bemoaning his situation and whining. I even have my afternoon self pity ritual. This is something I do often. Just lie in the bath-tub listening to the most sentimental, miserable music ever and imagining all of the people pittying me "you were right!", they say, as I make my determined walk towards my sorely deserved success, (some type of decorated pulpit with mood lighting around it I can assume), my catharsis "you were right and we were wrong!", all of the faces seem to say, with their expressions of deep pity and understanding. "All of those years were not for nothing, you were just ahead of the curve!". A disgusting fantasy, yes, let the years pass and let yourself inflate with the lies of your ego. It makes me laugh now, cruelly, at what a pathetic little #######1 I was. I love that word. Not because it is homophobic, but because it stings like only the primal chatter of childhood can. I remember what the word #######1 meant as a child. It meant less than a man. And that I certainly am.



I cannot stand seeing beautiful people. I have finally embraced my bisexuality after years of rejecting it as some attention whoring thing. I still haven't told anyone for fear that they will just say I am looking for attention. Besides, what is the point of a sexless lump having an orientation. It's just a bit embarrassing and phony, not empowering in any way. I saw this beautiful boy at a gas station yesterday. He was ringing me up at the cash register. One of those little guys, "twinks", I think they call them. He had his hair dyed blue which looked very cute, and his body and face were gentle and almost feminine. Beautiful. That is definitely my type, youthful appearing and ligh-weight. I have a sick obsession with youth, probably because I WASTED, my own. I could not tell his age, which is always an issue, and my socially inept ass could not think its way out of that. I couldn't say anything to him but the normal chump routine: "Yes, that will be all", "debit", "oh, I'll try again", "thank you, enjoy your day". I was nothing in front of that beauty and desire. I couldn't say a thing. To socially retarded. Is it social permissible to flirt with a cashier? I don't know. How would one go about doing such a thing if it was indeed permissible? Not a clue. Really it’s just fear I guess. This whole autism thing is a cover-I’m not rally that bad off-I can make a meaningless pragmatic communication with my co-worker, I can even make some empty small-talk. I’ve even had a handful of interesting conversations through the years. Really I’m just a ######6 pussy. I should have just not cared. I should have just said “I love your hair” and consequences be damned. I never would have seen this person again. ###$ I am a loser. I couldn’t stop thinking about him for the rest of the day. What I could have gotten up to if I hadn’t been inept. Yup, I was thinking about ######6. I am a sexually frustrated person. Wouldn’t you be? I’m probably addicted to porn at this point. I’ve gone through it all. Something is wrong with me, am I just clueless, just a pussy? It must be a combination of both. It’s sinking in what I’ve done to myself. How could I impress this dude, I thought to myself? No car, no license, nowhere to call home but my parents house as a grown man. I have always lived with mommy and daddy. I make about $260 a week before tax. I can’t play the guitar even though I tried to learn. As usual is to lazy to stick with it. My sense of humor has died out over the years. I don’t have friends to show off to or to show to anyone. I feel like having no friends is a red flag yeah? I’m made of red flags. I can see myself withering away into one of those miserable people who "could of been a contender!".

Yesterday was a nosedive. I was at a 2.5/10 about for wellbeing. Today I feel better, a 5 about. The only joy I get is when I get high on weed or kratom or Psilocybin. I can't drink anymore because its just horrid for me. The truth is I'm deeply deeply lonely. I never thought I would crave interaction with my family, but I do. The only thing in my head right now is losing weight so I can attract people. My vanity will be the death of me. If this is how I feel when I see forehead wrinkles at 24, what will I do when I am 30? How will I stomach it? Especially if I haven't even gotten a taste of what I want by then. If I am a 30 year old loser, I will kill myself. Not sure how yet. The only thing I can think of as I close this off is how much fun it has been to complain and wallow in self-pity.