Dear Doctors: You not knowing is your problem not mine

[IDeerInHeadlightsI]

When I said my brain feels messed up I was told it was anxiety.

I told you I don't feel anxiety.

When my feet and fingers turned blue, you told me it was all in my head due to stress.

I told you I am not stressed about anything except my my blue toes and fingers.

In 2017, after a trip to the ER, you told me you have no idea why I have extreme pain. It must be in my head and gave me tramacet which caused an addiction just to deal with it.

I went insane. I cut myself to pieces just because I would compare levels of pain. I would lose days. Lose friends. Have seizures. In and out of emergency rooms.

I've lost friends. Jobs. Opportunities. Because I couldn't get up. Because I would lose days. Because I couldn't get out the house. I promised to see people and I wouldn't pitch because it would be foggy and then two days later I would come out of it and be like "damn I ###$ up".

I was institutionalized. Told I was completely sane with a disordered personality. Aware enough to know hallucinating writing on a wall was not normal so that the episodes were atypical and transient. Dumb enough to believe it could be fixed by spending hours trying to find "triggers".

I overanalyzed everything. My body and it's experience became a mental disorder. Every action and reaction analyzed under a scope as to why I am suddenly being "triggered" into pain and fog.

It took me another few years to be with a partner that witnessed me seizing into tonic clonic seizures. Still blamed on "my head".

It took 2020 to end up with flares of serious organ inflammation. A heavy hospital visit being told incorrect information.

Someone (a nurse) noting the lack of blood flow to my fingers and that actually, nah, my face going weirdly red is not normal and me flipping off at the doctors because of a Charlotte Bronte novel misrepresenting a disease.

Another birthday spent in a hospital with a message from a friend saying they can't be my friend anymore because I am never there which broke me. I always bail and at that point, after 10 years of friendship, it was becoming an excuse.

You have no idea how much pain you have caused me, and others.

Yes. My personality is disordered but ordered enough to know that the Hippocratic Oath is hypocritical when you can just swing a patient to psychiatric and move them off your rotation because you are overwhelmed.

I can finally take ownership over what I physically and psychologically feel. I'm not stressed. I'm pissed. And I am in pain. I'm pissed at you. I am in pain due to an autoimmune disease.

[IDeerInHeadlightsI]

And to clarify this very clearly:

Not only have you put my body in danger but you have caused my personality disorder to get worse because I now can't trust anyone. I will push everyone away because I can't deal being a disappointment to a friend or I question how someone will screw me over.

Which greatly does not help my treatment when I phone pathology labs yelling at them because they worked out my results incorrectly by assuming I am an African female.

Yeah. I'm that person. Bite me.