It's Been 4 Years: This is Your Story Mom

[Stit60]

First of all, this doesn't seem like a very active board. Where is everyone? I guess everyone has turned to Facebook, Twitter and other non-private resources to vent their feelings. Oh well...even if no one reads this, God sees it. Mom? Are you there? I miss you so so much. Even though things were dysfunctional and sometimes downright stressful with you, I'd give anything to have you alive again than to live in this new hell. As you know, Dad had been having a 20 year affair with a gangbang whore while he was married to you. NO WONDER you broke the vent in your bathroom and shattered the toilet seat during your funeral wake at the house! You knew before we knew about Dad's cheating heart. I found out about that whore, Patricia from her 94 year old mother, Joyce. She told me they'd been "friends" for years. All this time, I thought he was your faithful caretaker; your knight in shining armor who was with you to the end. Your death hit me like a runaway locomotive. Along with retirement and me and my husband get ready to move across the country to California, your death during that time was an unwelcome blow. Now that I've put all the pieces together, it's clear that dad killed you or at least somehow, put you out of your misery. It makes sense. He wanted to be with his "true love" but he no longer had the option of leaving his sickly wife with his daughter who was moving away. So what else could he do but kill you? Cardiac arrest my ass. Your heart stopped 1 hour after our last phone call. They revived you long enough to get you to the hospital but you were already brain dead. 2 days later, the decision was made to pull the plug. After you were pronounced dead, the nurse asked dad if he wanted an autopsy. Of course he said "no." How convenient for him! You were 83 and had a lot of health issues but you were fine the day your heart stopped! You wanted to live! You wanted to see your grand daughter's first child! That man, silenced you forever. If only I'd known that day at the hospital what I found out months later, I would have called the nurse into the next room and said, "yes please perform an autopsy. I have reason to believe there was foul play." I flip through this scenario quite often in futility, wishing I'd known then what I knew now. This is followed by a case of the if-onlys. If only I hadn't gotten mad at you that Christmas when you got so demanding. If only I'd called you more, if only I'd appreciated you more. Wait a minute. I did! My husband and I came every other weekend to visit you. Back when I was working at the clinic, I used to bring over flu shots and give them to you and dad. I used to enjoy our long talks, even if sometimes I had other things I needed to be doing. When I had some little secret or thing bothering me, you and I talked. We spent hours on the phone. And then there were the years when dad's mother, gramma Antonette was alive. He would leave you to go to NY to "help her with her taxes." Looking back, I think he was just trying to get away from you. I used my vacation time from work to stay with you. Even though I came back to work tired, I'll always treasure that time we spent together. I always made you your very own diabetic friendly chocolate cupcakes. As a matter of fact, I have a picture of us on your last birthday with you blowing out a candle on one of them. I'm so glad I have that picture. I look at it with bitter sweetness, like the chocolate icing. It comforts me and yet leaves my heart with a gaping hole that cannot be repaired. After you died, I went back to home three times. The first time, I went to lay flowers on your grave. It was bitter cold and raining. It hurt so much. A year later, he sold the house to my daughter and her husband. YES! That bastard SOLD it to them! You wanted her to have it, not pay for it! He has not honored any of your wishes. But then again, you always let him control everything. You trusted him too much. Now, he is living in an apartment
about a mile away with his whore. Can you believe it? They are living in sin together and they are going to church! They are sleeping in YOUR bed!! Over the past 4 years, dad has slowly detached from all of us. Me, his son and his grandchildren. He's too busy with his slut to care about us. Did I tell you he has a new family? Yes. She has a daughter who she reunited with whom she gave gave up for adoption back when she was a prostitute. That daughter has a son. Last Christmas, he bought gifts for his new daughter and new grandson while your son and his family watched them open them. He has been very unwelcoming to us on the 3 occasions we came 1200 miles to visit. On our last visit, he told us we could sleep on the couch in the living room! At first, we'd talk once a week or so, then I couldn't get a hold of him because he was too busy running around with his slut. Then there were emails and now, even the emails have silenced. Last month was my husband's birthday. No card, no phone call, not even an acknowledgement. Yes. He has made the transition to his new life. We no longer exist. I never thought I would feel so unloved. Like an orphan. The day I lost you, I lost dad too but I see now, I never had him. You never had him either. Yes, he played doctor and tended to your illnesses but he got sick of it and traded you in for a new patient. His whore got cancer of the throat. Probably from all of those blow jobs she gave during her "career". At least you could eat! She's got a g-tube he has to poor liquid food down. He purees food for her though and feeds her against medical orders. She's already aspirated a couple of times and had pneumonia from it! Hmmmm deja vu. Maybe he's not so happy with her either. The last time I saw them, I warned her. "Better watch out. You might be next.". She kinda looked at me like "huh?" Well, I gotta go now, Mom. I don't know why I'm telling you this. I know you already know it. So for now my beautiful mother, por ti volare. Fly high my sweet mom. Fly high.