not the flue, but the flue

[bobok]

Aug, 15.
I hope to pull out this vent on January 1 and realize I've kept that deal.

Trying to understand what I've asked of him all these years; if he could push to try and be what he's not? If he could suppress a part of himself? I never accepted him as a whole. I've smelled out the potential and mistook it for reality. I perceive the world in terms of what could be, never what is. The inability to keep quiet to lack of his moral compass was never a choice I made. It just is. He did buy one piece; taught himself to use around me. Not at all times though, it was conditional. He developed selective (emotional) empathy to keep up with 'outbursts of hypersensitivity'. Does it matter he thought "it's clearly all in her head, but real to her so I must handle it as if absolutely real"? Pain couldn't possibly get any more real, of course, though willingness to partake in that beyond his understanding is what's being emphasized here. We fought about this on a regular basis until he 'switched back his empathy on'. Hard to argue, though true.
Would the analogy be my silence when spotting one of his lies? Let it by even though I'm aware it's not true, though in his head it might be? Refrain from shoving the evidence in his face? He's capable of spending hours persuading me of truth, over the most banal things. It's insane. I can't let it slip. Letting it slip would be just as much lying. I'd be playing into his disorder. Early on his lies consisted of bragging and blowing out of proportion (unacceptable, but mild in 'destruction'), but have evolved into a daily habit and eg. - lying about winners of a competition he participated in (photos and articles everywhere, easily attainable). Might not sound as bad, but it wasn't much different than lying about the presidential elections. Not a dangerous lie but a mind-fuking outrageous one. The inability to admit who the rightful winner was, is pathetic. He lied about serious stuff and various women in the past, though much has changed since.
He's unwilling to compromise when it comes to most people, just doesn't care as much. Can't stand him trying to lie/exploit/deceive anyone. I interfere as much as I can when I can and if I can, not something I often witness; in case I do it's usually not as harmful mild version and I shapeshift into a buffer zone. No words left, none, to defend him after all he's done. None of my friends ever thought his 'efforts' were worth anything. Nobody but me knows the side of him willing to compromise and to love, though under his own perverted conditions.
I'm gone, or will be. All buried in past. October will demolish all trace of 'him and I'. Can't think about this atm.
I just never got it. Him in my life all these years. Did he want me to choose 'his eyes' instead of my own, is that what he feels is the ultimate expression of love, a surrender? Are there people out there willing to trade their sight for love? Are those people what he needs, what he's always needed? I don't mean them being unaware, I mean willingly accept such arrangement. Or does he need someone just like him? Was there a way for us to ever survive long term? Is the only way to work it out if both sides share the same code (or a lack of it)? Plenty of people out there who wouldn't mind him being a pathological liar that he is. A non though, would be gone after first spoken lie. I'm clearly not a non, I've stayed until I've squeezed out the last drops of available options, but I don't lie nor deceive. Can't stand his ways, there never was a choice but to leave. Not much difference between liars and their mute witnesses from my pov. I've stayed in hope he'll change eventually. I know he won't. I don't understand how it's possible to feel love for someone but not even a glimpse of respect. I've despised and condemned and avoided, but never stopped loving. Unable to justify myself nor explain how I could possibly love an immoral person. Tried rationalizing in the past but didn't get far; I still take full responsibility for having 'a weakness of character' when people ask about him. Must be.