Coping with life

[davidlavie]

Hi everyone, just wanted to give an update.

I haven’t been on much this week because I’m really really struggling and I’ve had to spend much of my time supporting myself offline. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks which I’m conflicted about. One the one hand, I’ll be very grateful for the support that he can give, particularly with medication. On the other hand, there’s a good chance that he will recommend a hospital admission given everything that’s going on - which isn’t something I can afford right now with my final uni placement and semester (the course structure would mean that I would have to defer for 2 years).
I just can’t cope with everyday life. I guess that’s what a lot of my struggle comes down to. I can’t concentrate well in anything, and I have a really short attention span which is not doing me any favours with my study, work or prac. I often fidget, not being able to stay completely still which distracts others particularly in class. I really struggle with being flexible, although I’m a bit better at that now. I am also very self critical about everything, and I’m finding it so difficult to challenge those thoughts.
I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is disappointment. Honestly, I don’t know why I bother going on. I’m taking up a place in a very competitive degree which someone else could do so much better than me. I already know what I do is not good enough, so I really don’t need others (especially my parents) constantly reminding me of that. I’ve been dealing with a lot of intense SI and related thoughts.
I’m just over it, this constant hamster wheel of sadness, SI and anger at myself.
Sorry that turned into a rant. But that’s a summary of what’s going on. I’ll try and respond to posts when I can, but I need to look after myself first.