This is my mind.

[stelatois]

“ive tried. ive tried to overcome my faults. but yet rather than help me overcome them youve let me be alone. youve let me feel lost and hopeless. youve let me give up on myself. thinking to yourself that you were helping me. thanks. I guess.”
A tweet, I typed out. To you. March 3rd, after spending the night on 1p-lsd and then feeling like I was about to go insane so I had to take 4 of the doctor prescribed Xanax that I tricked him into giving me.
I skipped my psychologist appointment, you used to say that they never really helped you. I don’t know if they help me or not. Sometimes they make me feel like everybody can see the version of me I tried to hard to create, the one that’s supposed to go live a normal life. They don’t see what goes on below the surface. The emptiness. I don’t feel, or I constantly I try to. There is feeling. But its never enough. Drugs give me a taste of the once satisfactory feeling I had of being ‘normal’. That seems like a different dimension. Who was that person, even a year ago or was it a year and a half. E******, when you made me feel like a real person for the first time. Even though I faked most of who I was, you saw through it. You saw the reality of what I wanted so badly to know. You dated me for a year, you knew the sex made me feel wanted. Made me feel desired, that that was what I craved the most. You denied me it that one time when I broke down crying because you said no, at that point you probably realized how bad the hurt ran inside me. I didn’t, not yet.

Now I know. Now I know what its like to wish I had the courage to kill myself. Now I know walking down W*******e St past your house where I at one time learned what it was to be accepted tripping on mushrooms for the first time with you, where I now feel like a predator preying on your happiness trying to make it somehow part of mine. I think some part of you wants it to be that way. You want me to be the monster, trust me, I already know I am the monster. Let’s be ######6 honest with each other, that is why we loved each other. You know the pain I feel when I think of you with someone else, I know you feel the same. You block me knowing how it makes me feel. You want me to feel pain. You say you love me, you showed me so much hatred. You ended our relationship over a text. ###$ you. I ######6 hate you. I ######6 hate that I ever wanted to love you. I hate that you exist in every ######6 god damn minute of my life. You ruined everything. I ruined everything. I wanted to keep trying. I wanted to explain to try to be better but you said it was better for both us and you never explained. You told me I crossed your boundaries but I never meant to. I always ######6 loved you so god damn much.