sigh

[sensitiveme]

Hey all.
Really starting to like this forum; maybe it's because no one can reply to me or tell me how to feel..?
So, I started therapy over a year ago (14 months) and my parents are paying for it because I am in school. Every session includes a nearly $400 bill to my insurance, and a copay on my behalf. I go to therapy once or sometimes twice a week. I dunno. I love my therapist, I really, really do. But my parents have been harping on me to let go and stop clinging to other people so much. Like why can't I just be me? I am not sure. I am scared of myself. My self esteem is nearly nonexistent. Anyways, I also have been dating this guy for 2.5 years. I love him so much. We have had our hard times, but overall he's amazing and I can be unappreciative of his efforts. Well, we were long distance for almost the past year because of his schooling... He was even in another country. So we struggled with that and almost two months ago, we broke up. This has been such a hard time for me and a time of self realiziation. Sometimes I feel like I am amazing and how could he ever leave me, the girl that would drop everything for him? But other times I feel like how could I push away someone who treated me so well? In recent weeks, we have been talking again. It feels like we're back together. But my heart is sensitive. And I feel scared, you know? Like I love him so much and to put myself in a place where I could hurt so much again... It's hard to imagine. It is a definite risk. I was even having suicidal thoughts when he left me. My therapist has helped me a lot through this time. She is very guiding and has experienced much of what I am going through. I love her help and she is also really realistic in matching what is right to do while still doing some of what I want to do. My parents made a comment today about how I shouldn't need therapy if my relationship is intact again. Well, maybe they're right. But it hurts because I love my therapist and I am scared of being on my own again and feeling so low. I am scared of wanting to die. I am scared of laying on my bedroom floor crying for hours. I am scared of feeling so alone and isolated and not having anyone to really turn to. I can turn to my boyfriend, but how can I expect him to solve every one of my petty issues when he has problems of his own? I also go to an emotional support group. They're great, but they're all much older than me and sometimes I feel as if my problems are miniscule compared to theirs. Sometimes I feel even they don't get me. It's such a sucky feeling to feel misunderstood and to feel like I am the only one hurting. I look fine; I look great. But on the inside? Not so much...
I don't even know why I am posting this. Maybe to get all my thoughts out, since I have so many? It is really confusing to be me because my moods fluctuate so quickly and they go to extremes. I feel sad now, but later I might be bouncing off the walls with happiness. I know others suffer, too, but I feel I am such a deep person that I can never unleash my full self. It's like I have to hold back because I am so extreme and deep and thoughtful and analytical.
I do so well in school to cover up this pain and insecurity. Why can't my parents understand? I am damaged. But then also I am sometimes told to just suck this up because why do I have to be sad?? I have everything. There's no reason for this. Oh, but there is... I am ugly, I am crazy, I am emotional to where no one can handle me.
Sigh... I hope today goes well.