family disputes

[sensitiveme]

My family is so sweet. They take care of me, definitely. Being the oldest, and the oldest of two parents who are also the oldest in their families, it gets draining and frustrating when life is so unfair. I just don't get how my parents continue to try to control me despite the fact that I am a legal adult. They claim that I have to obey their rules because I live with them. Okay, yeah, sounds reasonable. But what I do in my free time, and how I spend my free time is my choice. I can go wherever I want, whenever I want, and do basically whatever I want. They can't continue trying to control me just because they can't accept the fact that I am growing up. I can get tattoos if I want. WHO CARES! My life. And then my mom calls me crazy. I just love being called crazy for trying to be reasonable. It hurts, honestly. This all literally started with a hypothetical question about if I could go on vacation with a boyfriend and his family. The trip is drivable. But really why does she need to call me crazy? She apologizes like it doesn't matter and like it doesn't hurt. And she wants me to stand on my own two feet and to not be so dependent on my boyfriend. Well, I am partially this way because of her! She can be really uplifting but also smashes me so quickly to pieces. Is it her, or is my self esteem just way too low? I don't get it. I don't think it's totally my fault. I think my parents have failed slightly in raising me to have great self esteem. And maybe that's because I hide my feelings so well (or so I think), or because I act like nothing hurts but everything does.
I am so sensitive. And frustrated. This brings me to another topic, my boyfriend. Well, not officially. We broke up about a month and a half ago after two and a half years of dating. And everyone's telling me to not give him the time of day and to move on. It's me that's begging him to get back together. And who knows, maybe everyone reading this also thinks I am stupid. But if I love him then why can't I just make my own decision about the whole thing? I don't believe in letting go so quickly after that much love is poured into someone. Why do everyone's thoughts get to me so much? Why am I sooooooooo affected by everyone else? Why can't I just think what I want to think, and not listen or care about others' opinions? Why does my mom call me crazy? Why does this hurt me so much? Why am I stuck in my head all the time? Why hasn't therapy helped me after a year? Why is some new girl taking my place in my friend group? Why does no one seem to care? Why is my boyfriend/guy/love of my life not know what he wants yet? UGGGGGHHHHHHH I am so frustrated.