Moved on...

[Something]

... is something I've heard alot, though never has a strictly direct connection to me. My, or now not, psychiatrist has 'moved on' again. It is always the case, through out my life. No one in this town can diagnose me properly, I have been through many mis-diagnosis' or temporary diagnosis' since adolecence. My fisrt meeting with a psychatrist consisted of explaining and answering the questions I was asked to be meet with looks of utter confusion. I cannot keep eye contact for very long so rarely make contact, only briefly I do so, purely courtesy. If I had it my way you would quite frankly speak to me with your eyes closed. I'm courteous enough to make contact briefly so maybe you should be courteous enough not to stare me out, or stare at me when we are disengaged. Yes, I *do* notice regardless of not actually looking at you myself, I can *feel* your gaze. And you wonder why I shake/tremble so much? No, you never think outside yourself, your own little bubble. A bubble of nothigness and self centered ideals... that was to no-one in particular and probably applies to 9/10 people on this planet.

Anyways... as I was saying, as I am rambling my thoughts, answers to questions being asked I am observing the pure look of confusion, distress/disgust? when I make brief but courteous eye contacts with the psychiatrist. A screwed/clentched up face, as if I had been doing nothing but insult them. Anyways, I am informed I should not be in work and am to be signed off. The diagnosis? "ummm..psychosis...herrrmmm maybe with schizoprenia? Yes, Psychosis/Schizophrenia" That'll be enough to keep me out of work. She had no clue as to what I speak of but saw enough to know to not put me into a work enviroment. Since then I have had many things added to my 'diagnosis'. My most recent one included autism spectrum, and schiziod personality type with a big question mark and some other crap I cannot remember... I remember alot of question marks though and 'and / or' s.. *laughs*

Instead of inducing stress trying to figure me out, why can they not just admit defeat? I know it's your job to diagnose me but if you cannot just say you cannot, instead of having to 'move on'. They ALL have 'moved on'... "you'll be meeting with your psychiatrist next meeting" says the middle man, goody gum drops, someone whos actaully qualified! "Hello, I am your psychiatrist".... ummmm, no you are not, your a woman and my psychatrist was a man "Oh, him..yeh, hes moved on"...two-three apointments later she has also moved on.

Am I really that stressful? can I project myself into others minds without meaning too? The woman I spoke of, wore a terrible suit. I thought to myself "My, she's really insulting her looks wearing something that drab..." next sessions she had decided to wear something more flattering, though well within reason also. *shrugs* sure, she could/would have observed any of my eye observations but to do as I... suggested... with out my mouth suggesting it is quite abstract.

And in comes someone, who someone else had dubbed, Suzy Q. The younger of many girls this system seems to have (a result of being born transgendered and dissociative?). She's been dubbed that because she has many tranqulizing effects despite being an abrassive, loud mouth. More of a traquilizer than the tranqs I used to abuse and am currenly perscribed. They help with sleep, she helps calm the... nastier sides. Yes, that girl you all started to ignore in steam forums and wonder why one of the nasties got out? Your own fault you ignorant chickens. Just flapping around your false idols with your pointless discussions. Just to add more insult to injury, she would be quite happy talking to a brick if there was any possibility the brick was paying attention, pretty sure shes actually spoken to innatimate objects before. Shes even pointed out once all you are to her is pictures and words that can respond, and that is all anyone on Steam and other forums is. Just a logo. She doesn't speak here because the conversations/threads usually have more depth, funny, because to the ignorant this is just a gathering of mental people.

She holds the emotional trauma, and is one of the three alters who actually desires sex. I am the other. She would submit to an older woman so you can go have an ickle speculation as to what I would do...Yes, thats right. No choice, No safetey words, No bounderies, 'stop' would mean go and 'more' would mean your death... nothing left but a pile of blood for me to roll around and smother myself in. The third, it is still unclear, though I'm aware there is a likening towards transwoman. Maybe a lesbian also who has had her sexual preferences distorted by her purpose/role in the system... or maybe she just like boys and the overall system cannot/ will not allow such a thing to occur. By 'transwoman' I mean they would have to appeal to the heterosexual sides in terms of feminine attractivness but still have their original genitailia, lets speak bluntley now, 'dickgirls', 'shemales', chicks with dicks and so on and so forth... was about to ramble about trannys but cannot be botherd. I am getting tired.

I have become aware that many people probably have no clues as to what I speak about most the time anyways. Contacted by another member in regard to my equality rant agreeing that America is over glorified. I explained what I understood about the vent and received no response *laughs*. To another I explained thse are more so for my purposes, to put down words to then be collected and documented for my purposes only, but sure, out in the open so prying eyes may pry if they wish. But I had said only I can truely come to understand any of this and explained it is unwise to take a singular paragraph to respond to, as by doing so you are taking something out of context and without further insight into my words, most that exist only in my mind, it is quite frankly pointless to do so. Not a critisism, you can see evidence all over the internet of such things happening, sometimes even singular words and other times mis interpretation of words. It is something many, if not all, are/have been 'guilty' of.

My mind is forgetful though so a place to put them down is necessary. And yes, I have essentially claimed this area as a 'blog' of sorts... seems fitting if you ask me, 'I' have a blog for drones and doodles that sits alone somewhere in the depths of the internet, not a plea to pry, I am happy for that to rot by itself, just somewhere to upload my 'art'/passtimes. Here I document my mind with words so I can learn from it. I have made quicker progress than any of the psychiatrists have, a result of being limited to non-DID systems and rules and regulations that have to be followed...

I am tired. Goodnight.

(edit:) I do not say We, or rather we do not, nor are colours of any purpose, the switching is consitent and flows fluently. If I were to use colours then the entire messages would look like a rainbow. There are too many, and many times a merging occurs. 'I' could be anyone and many times it can be everyone. 'We' is irrelevant and colours are of no use. Names are purely for my own clarity and would not be something they would respond to.