Just survive somehow

[medicatedforlife]

2 years ago, I fell in love with a sociopath I met completely by chance. It started out as an affair, but when it became clear to me that I actually loved him, I nearly walked out on my long term partner who was prepared to let me go. I fell violently in love with the sociopath's mask or facade. He was putting on a show for me, unknown to me at the time, and I fell for the show intensely. It worked too well. I think he didn't know what to do when I pressed to make possible future plans - maybe he didn't realize how real my feelings were at the time or how serious I am when it comes to interpersonal matters. He didn't realize how much of a naive dreamer I really am.

I look back on the first few conversations I had with this guy. Within days of meeting him, I recall at one time saying "Good. At least you feel something" after I had been teasing him and playing around. He responded by saying that frustrating him wasn't something to aim for. I realize now that it was at that moment I had already felt him and seen through him. That was mere days after meeting him. On some level, I felt his emotional blankness - the calm stillness. I felt it then and I was drawn to him even deeper to the point of my own near total demise. His calm stillness is what drew me to him like a moth to the flame.

I cry sometimes intensely because no one will ever understand. I thought he could keep me safe from the things and memories that terrify and hurt me. It was a tragic and terrible mistake on my part to think that way. I pictured a future that would never happen. I saw myself lying in bed, feeling scared, and asking him to just hold me and keep me safe from the ghosts of my previous abusers during the night. I wanted something so simple from him - something that he could never do for me or give to me because to do something like that requires real love.

He never understood what I saw in him. There is a scene in Sin City that covers why Goldie stayed close to Marv (who was suffering from very severe, disturbing mental illness, on top of being a big, mean, coldblooded man). He was the James Bond to my Vesper Lynd and the Daario to my Daenerys, the Heathcliff to my Cathy. We even have the same MBTI's as all those characters. On some level I knew this guy was capable of being ruthless, cold, cruel, and mean. I knew he was much bigger than me. He was oblivious to how sad and terrified I often was and still am. Haunted by things that I can never truly erase or change that make me feel ashamed constantly. To this day he insists that the causes of my nightmares aren't real - that I was never abused, that things never happened to me.

I spent the past 2 years crying for the mistakes I made, the men that I hurt (including the sociopath), but also the fact that I feel like I will never be understood. That the situation was so screwed up before it even began and there wasn't a damn thing I could do or say about it except try to save myself before I destroyed myself.

He has a female friend who I realize now was threatened by me. It bothered her that she knew him for years, but I was the one who he truly talked to and truly wanted to spend time with. Frankly she's just shallow. He doesn't even see that. She's one of those women who uses wedding or couple photos for her social networking instead of a picture of her by herself. Can't have a single conversation without mentioning her SO every 5 seconds "so and so" this, "so and so" that. Constantly goes to the ER/hospital because of recurring "health complications". He said to me once, "I don't know what the deal with her is. She's constantly in and out of the hospital". I thought she might be immune compromised and told him this. I did not suspect her of doing things "for attention" or faking anything. Unlike others, I try to see the good. Maybe she's histrionic. Maybe she's a bitch who just wants attention. (See what I did there? See how wrong that is?)

I don't know who I feel more sorry for. The sociopath for having such shallow, superficial friends who NEVER gave enough of a $#%^ about him to try to know him on a deeper level for years on end, or those superficial friends who are content with superficial friendships to begin with.

Empaths have dark sides too. We can be ruthless too when necessary, but we don't like to be. We are consumed by guilt, and the suffering of others beats us down. We want to fill people with love and happiness. If someone is a friend to me, I want to lift them up and ensure they are on a safe & happy path in the long run for their good. I was naked before this guy both literally and figuratively and instead of realizing I was granting him the privilege of being close to me when I really didn't have to, he just wanted to hurt me. I will freely admit that I can be a manipulative person (ALL women can be manipulative), but I use my skills for good. Empaths are skilled at influencing, manipulating, but our intentions are usually good. We are concerned about other people's welfare.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where your entire character and identity were under attack? Have you ever been in a situation where a person and his oblivious sidekicks were all attacking you? The worst part is realizing there isn't anything you can say or do about it. No matter what, he will always deflect back and blame you. He wants to win. Sociopaths see everything as a game to win. There is a cost to needing to win. All arguments are something for him to win rather than a misunderstanding that needs to be talked out or talked through, cleared up fully, and ultimately resolved. The cost of winning means you lose things in the process sometimes.

Empaths want to be accepted for who/what they are too, but we don't demand that, unlike other types of people. I see a psychiatrist and therapist regularly now. If it weren't for Obamacare I would have committed suicide already multiple times over. I've self harmed and thought of ways to just remove myself from the equation.

"He taught me the art of being selfless. Removing yourself from the equation". Tron Legacy was a great film.

My mental health diagnoses? General Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Codependency/Stockholm Syndrome. I've got scars both internal and external from a lifetime of abuse. I take Abilify & Effexor every day now. Some days I am capable of being "happy", but a lot of days I feel numb now. The side effects haven't been good. I don't eat as much these days. My appetite isn't what it used to be. Though I can sleep more soundly now, I wake up feeling vulnerable and fatigued at times. People in my life have commented on my being subdued, the light in my eyes being faded, my bubbliness being flattened, the change in my appearance (scars & aging from stress), and constantly second guessing myself now.

I vacillate between wishing I never met the sociopath and actually missing my abuser. Why couldn't he love me the way I loved him? All along he operated as if I was his toy and not a woman to love - not a possible companion or future partner (even partner in crime). Because I can be indecisive or slow to make definite decisions, or come to proper conclusions (I prefer to be informed & gather data) and have trouble letting people down or giving up or leaving situations that hurt me, I was accused of being a bad person.

His game was so slick, he had me convinced that I was with the wrong person. I thought I didn't love the person I'm with because I thought if this person was out there in the world, then I must be meant to be with him. It was devastating me when I thought about leaving a long term relationship of almost 10 years. I found myself slowly but surely being split in half and being torn in different directions. I didn't want to let anyone down. I cry in the shower about that fact almost every day. The sociopath hates me and always hated me. Only someone who hates me would have done to me what he did.

I don't normally engage in affairs or short term flings. The reason I almost terminated my relationship and walked was because of my feelings for this sociopath (tragically I didn't realize that he was never capable of reciprocating anything I did or felt for him...at least not the same way.) I've only had 2 serious relationships. The first one was with someone who I now realize was an overt narcissist (confident, successful) for 3 years. I loved him, but I had the sense back then to want out. I don't think he was pathological (just full of himself), but he was always a bit possessive and controlling when it came to me as a woman. The second relationship is my current that has gone on for almost 10 years. He has his faults but he's always been loving.

I confided in the sociopath about things that I have been hiding for a long time because of shame. He was the first person who I told about something that happened to me that caused me to feel very ashamed for many years in secret. I was raised in a shame based culture - we don't talk about bad things, ever. I confided in him because I trusted him not to judge me. I thought he wouldn't. I was wrong. He said he accepts people and takes them as they come. He lied to me when he said that. When he realized how hurt & damaged I really was and that I wasn't the perfect angel he wanted me to be, he didn't accept me anymore.

He can dish it out but he can't take it when someone dishes it right back to him or calls him out. I wonder why he picked me as a target. He acted as though he liked my outspoken nature. He said he loved me, but he would yell at me, give me the silent treatment or disappear on me, and expect me to be his private sex toy. At no time did he ever show any concern for me as a human being. At no time did he stop to realize the toll those abusive behaviors were having on me.

I found myself becoming increasingly and intensely suicidal the longer I was isolated with him and interacting with him. Looking back I realize it was because I found myself feeling excruciating anger, pain, and despair and I didn't know why. I wanted to die from his black hole, lack of empathy, and the abuse. He was destroying me slowly from the inside out. He was looking for a mother figure. I think he might be BPD himself honestly just based on that. I can't be that person. I can't ever be a mother figure. I don't even want children of my own (I want a dog and a cat and maybe some fish - that's all!) He knew all of this and pursued me anyway. He knew I was emotional, vulnerable, gentle, passionate. He said I was "perfect" and "amazing", but how quickly that turned into me being crazy, delusional, bipolar, histrionic, borderline, slut, whore, and whatever else he was either fed or believed due to his own psychosis. To be so idealized and so intensely and quickly devalued destroyed me as a person. To give a man my love and intimacy and come to the realization that I never meant anything and will never mean anything almost completely killed me inside.

If I was single when I met him - the same destruction would have played out. I probably would be dead right now. I was saved by the person I hurt most. The saddest part, is that this man who saved me was enraged when he realized I got taken in by a sociopath. He wanted me to be happy regardless of when or with whom - that is real love, and it took me almost dying to realize that. The realization of what I had done to him and us and our years of memories and the reality of the situation I found myself in led to me self harming and nearly committing suicide just from guilt alone.

The realization that I had befriended someone who I couldn't help hurt me terribly. I felt like I had failed the sociopath, that I had failed to accept him truly, that I had failed to make him happy. I found myself wondering if I ever made him happy or feel loved at all. It was all to no avail. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. I kept gifts I bought for him. I never gave them away like I told him I would. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I ripped up pages I had colored for him in anguish and sadness. There isn't anger at this point. Only numbness brought on by meds.

I've thought about filing for disability because I have so much going on mentally that I can't work, only to be told by my psychiatrist that 9 times out of 10 people get denied and it can take years to go through the process, hearings, having to hire a lawyer I don't have money to hire. I contemplate suicide a lot because of student loans. I got a degree I didn't really want. I got good grades and did what I was supposed to do. I was living my life for my parents who forced me to grow up too soon. I don't even want to do what I studied for 4 years. My hope is that if I ever get to a point where I can function enough to work again, I want to work in a flower shop so I can bring joy to people through flowers. It is a stupid idea that may not happen considering I struggle to survive day to day emotionally & physically now.

I am drawn to cute, childish things because I wasn't allowed a proper childhood. It is a nostalgia for a simpler time that I didn't get to enjoy fully or on a consistent basis. Where the sociopath remained a child who likes to play games, I became an adult too soon in my own family with a laundry list of responsibilities. No one will ever understand. I am resigned to the fact that people who don't really know me will forever think I am a person who was out to get people when that will never be true. It's too late. In truth, I fear for the sociopath and his future. I want to know that he will be okay. He is a tough, pragmatic guy.

I'm sorry I failed. I failed everyone involved in this. I failed myself. I didn't have the strength to pull away in time and do what was necessary so I put other people in bad positions and hurt them. I'm so sorry. :'( Sh misses Nu. Sometimes I wish it never went beyond the cute characters into the real world. I'm so sorry. Just survive. Just survive somehow.

*mod edit*
http://zen-ful.net/2013/12/18/the-dance ... he-empath/
http://www.sociopathworld.com/2009/01/d ... -love.html