Why is it so hard for me to understand this time

[Echinacea]

I have always been a confident person, my past boyfriends have all been handsome, most of my friends have been/are male (i just seem to be able to talk to males better) probably because i feel threatened from females(i was bullied in school) and its haunted me for many years

anyway...ive been through break ups before, that's nothing new, though they hurt so bad you wanna die, ive got over them, most of the break ups have been me coz they've cheated or they wasn't giving me what i need in the love or sexual department, but...this last one had totally thrown me for a 6'er.

I understand that he ended it, so i know that part of it, but why cant i get "im a victim" out of my head, why cant i snap myself out of this? Its driving me insane, its like he just disappeared from my life. (even though he lives just 200 yards away)

we had a really destructive relationship he broke x2 Tvs,x3 Ipads,x2 Iphones, x2 laptops and my heart. he is the only man that i actually trusted not to cheat, and this one didn't. we were wrong for each other i have never felt or seen rage like it.
Why has this particular guy got into my head/heart so much. when i know we was wrong for each other.

Im angry at myself for allowing him to get to me this much.

I have issues i know (none diagnosed yet)

RANT over thankyou