triggering

[star dust]

I feel like the whole world is evil. I feel like there are no good people in the world. And it is just full of misery. I am crying and I feel sick. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so paranoid and on edge.
I am just so ###$ up. Why am I like this, why am I in this situation? I feel like nobody else in the world feels as terrible as I do. I know that's not true. But that's how it feels.
I just want relief from this. I feel like there is no way out of anything. Everything is bad.
I don't even know what to say now. I really need alcohol.
All of a sudden I feel that everyone is against me. The whole world. I don't think anyone will truly love me. It's just something I have to accept. People will get infatuated, but that's all. That's all they have ever done. I don't think any of my boyfriends have ever really loved me. Or my own family. I don't know. I don't feel it. I have never felt loved. Truly loved.
I am starting to think really bad thoughts. I just want to smack my head hard against a wall and knock myself out.