I've decided to leave. *TW*

[i!Poler]

So...this is no longer a vent. I'm not coming back.

I've been sobbing all day, but I'm not even sad, it's just my brain malfunctioning from not taking my medication for the last three days. My body and mind are twitching even more than yesterday. I read an article somewhere that a depressed woman stopped taking her medication on purpose so that it would be easier to kill herself. Makes sense. Some booze and a joint will numb down all remaining inhibitions. It's a strange feeling, there is nothing forcing me or stopping me from killing myself, it's just something I have to do.

I feel my body and mind short circuiting more frequently. It knows what I am about to do to it. There is no need to talk to anyone, hold anyone, say anything else. My story ends here.

[TDT]

Hi i!Poler,

Reading through your post, it sounds like you're suffering pretty bad, and I'm sorry to hear you going through all this.

I've read through each of your reports, and it sounds like there's a fairly large concern for how others perceive/think of you. For example, parents, family, and so on. I can't say I know better than you do for your own life, so hopefully a bit of shared experience can help, maybe.

I have very few friends, and very little family that cares about me. Sometimes, when I think about it, yeah...it sucks. I also don't find lots in life to really enjoy. For awhile, things were also bad. Was I suicidal? yeah, I kinda was.

Something that worked for me was to really think about 'why' I was worried about how I looked in other people's eyes. It took some time, but after awhile, I really stopped worrying (for the most part) about other's perception of me - whether good or bad. Instead, I focused a lot more on doing what I enjoy.

Life is still hard, yeah, but it's a lot more comfortable now than it used to be. I try not to think too much about happiness, and more about being content.

Hopefully this helps at least a bit, and I also hope this helps convince you not to go through killing yourself. I know things look pretty rough right now, but in the long run things may appear differently and things 'heal'. Life is always changing, continuously...for both better and for worse. In your case, it sounds like things can only get better - so hopefully that's some solace.

[theBlack666]

*mod edit - no replies in venting forum please*