I've decided. part 3. *TW*

[i!Poler]

So I rehearsed the actual method and my equipment is functional. A strange emotion went over me as I was testing, it's almost as is the final remnants of my will to live died at that moment. It didn't leave kicking and screaming either, but was silenced very quickly when it tried to squeeze out a whimper. The power to override my self-preservation has been 10 years in the making. I will succeed this time.

I realize now that as a kid, I always felt different and knew inside that life was going to be crap. I always felt my parents were weak and sad. Kids know, that's why some commit suicide so young. They know that their parent(s) are too weak and that life is going to be a constant struggle and they will never be able to provide the correct support.

I'm sane enough to know that I'm mentally ill with no cure and that there is no need to live this life out.

I wish that my family was more interested in me, but then I am quickly reminded as to why I'm not interested in them. They know I'm suicidal, but not once have they talked to me about it. ###$ them, I don't buy the "They just don't understand you" argument. That would be fine AFTER they had shown interest. They are good people, but just ignorant and incapable of learning anything new. I don't wish any ill will upon them, in fact, they are human beings too, and deserve love and happiness, but in another life, I would never want to know them.

I guess I've been a pussy my hole life, but the good thing is, I just have to have balls ONCE to pull that trigger.

I've spent the last 7 years reading thousands of letters from online forums by people who describe the agony they went through with the loss of their loved one, especially if it was a child. In addition to committing suicide in mind at least a 100 times a day, every day for the last 10 years, I died every time I read each one of those letters. Especially with the ones written by mothers, I felt the love that they felt for their child through those letters that I didn't feel from my own mother. She loved me in her own way, but it was too damaging as she was dealing with her own mental illness and I was just too young to understand. My parents fit the typical 'too slow for modern life, we already know everything, overbearing mother, weak/passive father, living like it's the 1950's" archetype.

Dad, you're a good man, an honest man, a man who provided for his family, but you're a ######6 ignorant idiot who made a MAJOR miscalculation about life and raising a family. ###$ you for telling me that I didn't meet your expectations and that you didn't know I was going to turn out 'this way'. ###$ you for telling me that you never even wanted me and that mom decided to have a third child, you, weak, ###$. You're respectable as a person, decent as a provider, but WORTHLESS as a husband and father. You are too sad of a man. You did it just to prove to yourself that you WEREN'T the weak/sad ###$ that you actually are. What kind of man brings his sadness home to his family? Not one vacation, not one family dinner, not one ######6 thing have you EVER planned for this family. You stupid weak sad ######6 child. ###$ you for teaching me to be afraid of life, of actually telling me "Yes, be very afraid of life." ###$ you for having me.

Mom, thanks for caring for me, but you were too unstable as a mother. You never showed interest and always made me feel like a worthless $#%^ because I wasn't thin and active like your worthless gambler friend's son. You always remembered to make sure I never forgot how worthless I am. You ruined my childhood. You made me pay for your husbands ignorance. You punished me because you were too weak to go up against him. ###$ you for emotionally scarring and destroying me, you stupid superstitious emotionally indifferent bitch. ###$ you for telling me that having kids was just a responsibility for you. That it was a task, a chore to do, that you had really no interest in being a mother but was forced into it because you were weak ###$. I don't want to know you anymore.

I'm tired of this disease called life.