I've decided. part 2. *TW*

[i!Poler]

So today is the third day that I have been off of my medication, and after I woke up from a nap, I immediately felt the effects of my old friend bipolar back with full force. I was LITERALLY cycling through laughing and crying, sometimes both at the same time.

I tried, I tried to connect with my family and friends. I did whatever every "Are you thinking about suicide" Hotline, website, well-meaning person laid out in front of me because suicide wasn't the answer. They just don't care. I am to be avoided, and with good reason.

My best friend woke me up from that nap and I was so happy to hear his voice. He treats me with such respect and love and kindness. I sometimes think I don't deserve it.

I don't know or know of anyone that committed suicide, but in my youth I had the same frustration about people who commit suicide wondering what could be so bad, and the typical raised eyebrow "Why!? How stupid!" ONLY when you ENTER the hell that is considering suicide FOR WHATEVER REASON do you realize "holy $#%^...no wonder they left, it is impossible to fix this, EVEN if anyone understands." It's not that I understand what they were going through that MADE them do it, but that everyone has a breaking point, and that I am reaching mine. I finally understand the human condition, and the only way to, is to go through it.

I might have changed my tone if, let's say, I had experienced a suicide of a loved one, as many have and it turned them off to the idea, there are also people who did the very act BECAUSE of someone else's suicide.

At the same time I try to imagine how frustrating it must be to even deal with a suicidal person. What if my best friend was suicidal and he committed the act? I would be crushed of course, but that doesn't turn off my own reasons for wanting to leave. It is a joined separation, just like the brain.