I've decided. *TW*

[i!Poler]

So I've finally decided that I'm going to stop taking my medications so I can induce a massive anxiety attack in order to defeat my self-preservation mechanism and blow my brains out. I should be gone in the next month or so. ###$ god if he's responsible. ###$ life if he isn't. The only thing left is to plan my final exit as an all day event, which still doesn't make sense because I won't be alive to remember anything I did BEFORE I checked out, but who cares. It will be easier to pull that trigger. Ahhh, relief. No more waking up to this worthless life.

I've grown weary constantly explaining the problem with greater and greater detail with psychology, and endlessly imagining the solution with philosophy. I don't want to die, no one does, just for the pain to end, but I have to sacrifice the good of me to destroy the broken part.

I have recently begun to slowly realize the extent of the damage my mental illness has caused me, and it is past the point of no return, which is why it's better to destroy myself. I'm going to tie up some loose ends with paperwork, decide how I'm going to check out, and be done with it. I know my nephews and friends will miss me the most, and as selfish as it sounds, they are going to have to deal with it as I have. Does that make me a bad person to not care? Fine, another reason to die.

I'm tired of being human, the experience, the totality of consciousness and the forced need to survive. Love and happiness aren't worth it, nothing is. I don't want to play this game anymore.

I was thinking of getting a nice full body massage, a nice meal, a fat joint and then a drive up to the mountains to do the deed. I thought about writing letters to my closest friends as it could be the least thing I could do for them. To bring closure for them, to make sure they understand it wasn't their fault and there really wasn't anything they could do to stop this. The only thing they would be guilty of, is being my friend.

Suicide is not supposed to be an answer, it is so that you never have to ask any questions again.