Things I would like to tell my sister.

[Exiled.]

You were right all along.

I wish you finished that movie you were working on. I would have liked to have seen it.

I wish you had stuck around. I don't really know why you left. I understand you and dad argued. I know you accused him of child abuse. I understand that led to your first attempt. I don't understand why we never visited you in the hospital. I was only 12 though. It wasn't in my hands. I know when I go inpatient I prefer to have no visitors. If you're the same, that's ok.

I know they let you out when you turned 18. I don't know where you went after that. Did you go straight to California? Wish you stuck around. I hardly knew you. I have fond memories of the stories you used to tell.

I appreciate the times you visited. It was few and far between but you were there. What you told me back then... You were right. I wish I understood that back then. Some people are a little bit slower though, don't cha know?

It was a little bit weird when you called to tell me that you got married to both a guy and a girl at the same time. I'm sorry I didn't support you though. I'm sorry I didn't talk to your lovers. It was due to anxiety but I know you must have been disappointed.

When I sent you that email, what I wanted to say was that you were right. You were right about everything. I just wanted to get to know you. I hardly knew you. I'm sorry that last email was phrased the way it was. "Don't forget about us when you're famous." What did we do to you for all those years but forget about you? We could have made an effort to see you. I don't understand why we didn't. But that email was me trying to contact you. I was making an effort.

I wish you stuck around. I don't really know why you left. I wish I knew you better. I know you referred to me in the note you left. I know it because Mom asked us about it. I never saw the note though. I understand that the disorder we both shared has a tendency to distort things. I once turned a wedding invitation into a suicide note. Left it at the guy's place of work. (Poor guy) I know something similar happened with that email. The email may have triggered you but triggers are excuses the mind makes for being sick. It could have been a simple nod from a stranger that set you off. That happens to me on occasion... get triggered from nods from strangers. I can't keep blaming myself for your death. There is only one person responsible for what you did. You. I hope you know now that I hate you for doing it. Do you realize that you're to blame for putting suicide in my head? Yes I had issues before. So I had an occasional psychotic episode? *It didn't threaten my life.* Now my mind goes to suicide so easily. I can't see myself dieing from anything else. But not today. Today I live.

My dear sister, what were you thinking? Why did you have them cremate you? Spread in the ocean? Don't you know graves are for the living? I want to visit you. I never did in life, it was always you visiting us. Now in death I can't. If I had the opportunity, I would write, "You were right." on your tombstone, right before I kicked it down for what you did to me.

But who am I kidding? I'm just as selfish as you. Given the opportunity, I'd have them send me straight into the Sun. Turn myself into stardust.

I miss you.
I hate you.
Wish that movie was finished so I could watch it.
Wish I had something of yours to destroy whenever I have suicide on the brain.

I have nothing left to say to you. I'll probably will want to have this conversation with you again this time next year. Talk to you then. o/