Don't want to exist anymore.

[DarknessInsideMe]

I don't know why I keep trying to hold on. I don't know why I am in therapy when I do not see a future I can stand or that would make living worth it. No amount of happiness is enough to make the pain bearable. I just SHed and got an incredible urge to kill myself. I only didn't because I am dog sitting at someone else's house. They get back on sat. I cannot cope with life any more. I won't do anything until I am back home, but I don't know how much longer I can do this. I worry about my dogs and family but I tell myself my family will make sure my dogs are taken care of and my family will have to be ok. I know they love me and I will hurt them but I cannot do this. I don't know what to do. I am tired of going to hospital because I cannot keep myself safe and feeling like a failure for not going through with it. I don't want to save myself. I don't want to be a burden to anyone any more. If I am gone they can all forget about me and get on with their lives.

When people ask me what I want to feel or be all I can say is nothing. I want nothingness. I want to be nothing. Not the numb, can't feel kind. I want to not exist. I don't want to be happy, I don't want to feel love or hope or sadness or anything. I just want to be dead. I don't just want my problems to go away I want to go away and not exist anymore. I am done