So pissed off right now but too sad to do anything

[NihilismOppurtunity]

I'm so pissed off at how I have this inability to keep friends. People just do not seem interested at all to talk with me. If I never texted or messaged or called people my phone would be better off disconnected. It would never ring or buzz unless from a telemarketer or work.

People just don't like me. They do not gravitate to me. I push people away with my social awkwardness. I've been called aloof, strange, detached, emotionally unavailable, disinterested, and unempathetic.

I've been told I don't have Asperger's by various doctors and just given an anxiety diagnosis along with BPD and PTSD. But I don't think I have BPD. I have way more symptoms under AS than BPD.

But no one cares. If it's not official, it's not official.

Doesn't change the fact that I feel so utterly alone and disconnected from people. I don't understand how people make friends. I don't understand how when someone gets dumped they soon find someone else to date. I've been single for two years now. And before my ex dumped me, I had only ever had a boyfriend once before for a whopping four weeks.

I don't like being touched a lot of the times and I am not a touchy-feely person. Right there pushes many away from me. I don't think I can just learn how to do things that don't come natural to me, nor do I particularly want to. I'm completely disinterested in sex.

but I'm lonely.

I might not want sex, I might not want hugs, and I might not want kisses, but I still would like someone to go to the movies with, travel with, play video games with.

I'm so tired of being alone.

I'm tired of being lonely.

I'm tired of not having any close friends.

Like what is even the point in living when you don't even feel like you matter to anyone?

I'm supposed to love myself, but I don't. I can see why no one likes me. I'm so annoying. I annoy myself.