factitious

[Emm']

sick and tired of behaving the way i do each time i read something about mental ilnesses, and here i am on those boards again! i don't understand myself anymore and i dunno what is true and what is not. i dunno if the confusion comes from me or lies in society. i can't see a therapist because i quickly end up feeling i'm not in the right place and stop going, then it makes me mad and i feel it's unfair, i hate myself and don't get why i quit, because i genuinly believe that i didn't have anything to do in therapy, or because i want to piss myself off? then why do i react the way i do each time i hear someone at uni mentionning psychologists, lock myself in the toilets to cut, i hide it but feel like it's all for attention
i want to suffer because only then i stop feeling angry and frustrated, irrationnaly so, it's getting worse i think
what are psychologists for? if psychiatrists are for real mental illness, then why do psychologists exist? why do parents take their teenagers to psychiatrist for each little discomfort or bad behaviour they spot? why psychiatrists? why do i feel like everyone just wanna be sick in this society?
i hate being in that state of mind
i want to cut but i hate writing it cause it sounds attention seeking, it's not cause i always hide
didn't tell the psy cause i find it attention seeking
but that's what i wanna do right now. but since it's hot outside i'm gonna hit myself with elastics instead, so it doesn't leave a trace
thank god this forum is anonymous