Having thought about it, I remember that before/during my nightly panic attacks in September I had some kind of dream that was distressing. I don´t remember the concrete content of the dream, but I believe it had something to do with the Dexter series. I think I might have
been Dexter in that dream. I remember there were some moments of clarity when I realized I was actually myself, that is, my normal, confident daytime self, and that these were moments of great relief. If I may theorize, the horrible thing about being Dexter might have been the burden of loneliness and isolation he carries: He cannot tell anybody that he is a serial killer.
Over the last two weeks I´ve often felt sick in the evening, but I managed to stop the feeling before it turned into a full-blown anxiety attack. I tried to do relaxing things, like going to bed with a cup of tea, reading some old children´s books of mine. Today, unfortunately, I failed. I was at a Christmas market with my mum and my SO. I wasn´t doing all too well, anyway (women´s problems
), but when we were stuck in the crowd I started to feel sick. I left the market and tried to calm down, but I didn´t fully manage to do so. I haven´t quite figured out yet when it does and when it doesn´t work. Being alone is an important aspect, though. If there are a lot of people moving around me, I experience a great deal of stress. I don´t know why, but movements or noises can trigger a surge of nausea. I was looking for an adjective to describe these movements/noises, and the only one I could agree on was "intrusive". A sudden outburst of hysterical laughter can spur aggressive or even homicidal impulses in me when I´m in a very sensitive state. And when people move vaguely into my direction, I tense up and brace myself for someone wanting something from me (and be it seeing my train ticket).
Even people I know and like talking to me can be too much. It distracts me from relaxing and often that makes me extremely irritable, but I don´t feel free to show it, since these people only mean well. I guess the fact that I don´t dare asking them to just give me a moment (or rather: as long as it takes!) so I can relax is part of my problem. I feel like I pick up on other peoples´ emotions too easily. If the person in question would shut up upon my request I would start to hear her think about how much of a selfish drama queen I am, and that I only care about myself and so on. I would be unable to focus on relaxing for I´d feel guilty. I´d start to talk to the person again, without actually feeling better, and once I was sure that she is not resentful towards me anymore, the nausea would kick in again. I realize that the feeling that somebody, particularly my SO, might be unhappy, and especially with me, triggers a great deal of anxiety. The pressure to keep people happy and feeling responsible for whatever makes them unhappy might be a major cause of my anxiety, I guess.