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Feeling sick

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Re: Feeling sick

Postby Inferior_Force » Thu Nov 10, 2011 1:11 am

Sorry, once more, for the delay in responding...

I realize that I, too, sometimes force myself to just do things and insofar take more responsibility. While it builds some confidence with regards to my ability to deal with life, it doesn´t make me feel like I become more able to enjoy life IRL as opposed to in my dreams.

Something good happened today, though. When I left the house I realized I had forgotten my chewing gums, which I need in case I feel sick. There was no time to return and get them. The same kind of thing happened to me about six months ago. Back then, I immediately started to feel sick. This time, I just felt a bit uneasy and thought, mildly annoyed: "Oh great, I knew I had forgotten something! Well, I´ll have to buy some chewing gum on the way!" And then I forgot about it. When I was on the train back home I realized that I hadn´t even thought about buying chewing gum, and I had felt alright all the time. At first, I was just astonished and proud. Then, I started to feel a little sick, but that, too, went away quickly. I feel like I´m challenging fate even writing this, so I´m clearly not alright and back to normal, but at least this is some small progress. I hope it won´t be followed by a major setback.
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Re: Feeling sick

Postby jasmin » Thu Nov 10, 2011 7:04 pm

Hey, that is something! You're improving, nothing bad will happen.
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Re: Feeling sick

Postby Inferior_Force » Mon Nov 14, 2011 7:19 pm

Unfortunately the last two days have been quite rough. I developed a cold and a slight temperature, and this makes me very vulnerable to 1) feeling sick and 2) getting into a real crisis because of it. Being ill messes with my sense of reality and grounding techniques just fail.

It started the night to Sunday when I felt sick and suddenly had something like a partial memory, but I cannot say of what, since it was only partial. It somehow involved vomiting, and it seemed somewhat meaningful. Oddly, I felt a lot calmer after that - but the next day this partial memory kept on returning and bugging me. And in the evening I was starting to feel sick. For a long time it was just annoying, but I felt like I had it under control. I knew it would be better in the morning. I already realized, though, that grounding techniques didn´t work. I still felt sick. Then I prepared for bed, and suddenly I felt like I was going to lose the fight. I ran to the bathroom several times, but I was still fighting the nausea. I was torn between the hope that it was just going to take over and spare me more of this misery, and frantically fighting it. I even cried for my mum. I couldn´t stop thinking about that semi-memory, it constantly popped up in my head and it also involved feeling as if I was vomiting for real. I eventually made into bed, but I was hyper-ventilating and I was shaking. At some point, I was getting very tired, as if somebody had given me a sedative, and I fell asleep.

I´m still very tired today, but it isn´t normal tiredness. I move on auto-pilot. I had to give a presentation today, and I constantly lost the plot. (Luckily, this state of mind also implies that I don´t care about such mishaps.) I just couldn´t focus on anything in the real world. Trying to listen to people is exhausting, if not impossible. I feel like I´m somewhere in some safe place inside myself. I´m still scared. I expect that I start to feel sick again now that it is evening, and I more or less hide from the thought, the fear, the sickness. I think soothing thoughts, but they revolve around being killed. I have no intention to kill myself, it is pure escapism. I feel like I´m safe nowhere in my mind. That´s precisely why grounding techniques won´t work. There is no safe state of mind I could return to. Everything is threatened, I will just contaminate whatever was safe before. This "tiredness" is the safest thing there is right now. It´s a bit like I´m waiting for that horror to subside, and then I can come out and be myself again and live like there was no danger.
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Re: Feeling sick

Postby jasmin » Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:08 pm

Maybe the tiredness is a phase in you getting back to normal again. Does this happen in cycles? This must be exhausting for you, I'm sorry you're having a rough time.
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Re: Feeling sick

Postby Inferior_Force » Thu Nov 17, 2011 12:37 am

I think the tiredness is a common phase, yes. I´ve had reactions like that before. After feeling really sick I often get very tired, but it doesn´t always last until the next day. But that sickness-crisis-tiredness relation can only be part of the cycle. I wish I could finally figure out what triggers the sickness. Being ill, or being very tired makes me vulnerable, of course, but I think there is something else. I realized earlier that often I feel tense or irritable before I start to feel sick. Well, all Sunday I was extremely irritable. I was impatient, I hated loud noises, I was easily distracted and I couldn´t get anything done. I was constantly thinking about things that make me angry; and I even read about them on purpose, like I couldn´t stop myself. I have no idea why I do this, there is just an urge to do it and I oblige. Maybe this has something to do with it, who knows.

The night after my last post I had the same kind of thing I had back in September: I woke up with a start in the middle of the night, I felt extremely sick, realized it was fear, calmed down again somewhat. In the morning I had almost forgotten about it. There are a few things I´m wondering about: 1) Where does this sudden waking up come from? What wakes me up? 2) Why do I realize it is fear when normally I just feel sick? Why is it comparatively easy to get under control in these situations, but not when I´m fully awake?

Anyway, thank you for your response and for the idea about it being a cycle. I think it might very well be something like that.
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Re: Feeling sick

Postby jasmin » Thu Nov 17, 2011 4:52 pm

Maybe you have anxiety attacks or something during the night and it's easier because you can go back to sleep? I had anxiety at night time too and it wasn't pretty. I get nausea with anxiety attacks, but I don't get them often.
Do you have anyone (a professional) who understands and is helping?
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Re: Feeling sick

Postby Inferior_Force » Sat Nov 19, 2011 1:27 am

I´m sorry to hear you have/had? anxiety attacks, too. What did you do to relieve/battle them?

I was wondering if the attacks at night have something to do with nightmares, but I can´t remember having any, at least not last time it happened. In September, I had wasn´t sleeping well anyway, and I was caught in some rather uncomfortable dreams where I was not myself.

Maybe it helps that I´m tired already, yes. But maybe it also has to do with waking up. When I wake up in the morning, I usually feel more grounded, rational and normal. Somehow, though, all this remains a riddle for the moment. Thank you for your input, though.

I don´t have a professional, no. I feel like I´m not ready for that. In a way, talking about my issues here is a good exercise. Also, I still need to figure out if I´d want to see someone for my nausea problems only or in order to find out what is going on with me on a deeper level. Given that I´ve been struggling with nausea all my life I guess a holistic approach would make more sense that mere CBT, but a holistic approach would include telling a therapist about things/mental processes I´m having trouble describing at the moment. Things that make me suspect I have some kind of dissociative disorder. I´m afraid of even bringing up this subject with a therapist because I have encountered skepticism and disinterest when I brought it up in therapy eight years ago. Back then I was stuck in some kind of speechlessness. I could provide no arguments why I thought I had it, I just intuitively felt that something about it applied to me. I don´t want that to happen again, so I need to learn to pay attention to what goes on inside of me and find ways to describe it.
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Re: Feeling sick

Postby jasmin » Sat Nov 19, 2011 10:10 am

I didn't really fight the anxiety attacks, I just waited for them to go away. It happens very rarely for me.
Hmmm, maybe they are linked to nightmares. You could try to remember if you had any bad dreams when you feel like that at night.

You'd just need to come across a good psych and explain things to them. You could print what you wrote here and show them, so they'd understand what's going on with you.
The deeper cause is probably what you need to figure out.
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Re: Feeling sick

Postby Inferior_Force » Thu Dec 01, 2011 10:52 pm

Having thought about it, I remember that before/during my nightly panic attacks in September I had some kind of dream that was distressing. I don´t remember the concrete content of the dream, but I believe it had something to do with the Dexter series. I think I might have been Dexter in that dream. I remember there were some moments of clarity when I realized I was actually myself, that is, my normal, confident daytime self, and that these were moments of great relief. If I may theorize, the horrible thing about being Dexter might have been the burden of loneliness and isolation he carries: He cannot tell anybody that he is a serial killer.

Over the last two weeks I´ve often felt sick in the evening, but I managed to stop the feeling before it turned into a full-blown anxiety attack. I tried to do relaxing things, like going to bed with a cup of tea, reading some old children´s books of mine. Today, unfortunately, I failed. I was at a Christmas market with my mum and my SO. I wasn´t doing all too well, anyway (women´s problems :roll:), but when we were stuck in the crowd I started to feel sick. I left the market and tried to calm down, but I didn´t fully manage to do so. I haven´t quite figured out yet when it does and when it doesn´t work. Being alone is an important aspect, though. If there are a lot of people moving around me, I experience a great deal of stress. I don´t know why, but movements or noises can trigger a surge of nausea. I was looking for an adjective to describe these movements/noises, and the only one I could agree on was "intrusive". A sudden outburst of hysterical laughter can spur aggressive or even homicidal impulses in me when I´m in a very sensitive state. And when people move vaguely into my direction, I tense up and brace myself for someone wanting something from me (and be it seeing my train ticket).

Even people I know and like talking to me can be too much. It distracts me from relaxing and often that makes me extremely irritable, but I don´t feel free to show it, since these people only mean well. I guess the fact that I don´t dare asking them to just give me a moment (or rather: as long as it takes!) so I can relax is part of my problem. I feel like I pick up on other peoples´ emotions too easily. If the person in question would shut up upon my request I would start to hear her think about how much of a selfish drama queen I am, and that I only care about myself and so on. I would be unable to focus on relaxing for I´d feel guilty. I´d start to talk to the person again, without actually feeling better, and once I was sure that she is not resentful towards me anymore, the nausea would kick in again. I realize that the feeling that somebody, particularly my SO, might be unhappy, and especially with me, triggers a great deal of anxiety. The pressure to keep people happy and feeling responsible for whatever makes them unhappy might be a major cause of my anxiety, I guess.
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Re: Feeling sick

Postby jasmin » Fri Dec 02, 2011 1:21 pm

Heh, you know, I've heard a lot about that tv series but I've never watched it. I can see how you identify with Dexter, though, it must be hard to carry this burden.

A fear of crowds, loud noises and disappointing or hurting people must be somewhat common causes or triggers for anxiety.
So, does being in crowds always do this to you?
Are you gonna tell a doctor about this?
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