feeling extremely guilty

I am 20 years old and have been pulling for almost 10 years now. I finally sought help from my therapist about 6 months ago. I haven't been able to see her in about a month and I feel like I have regressed back to square one. I don't even want to see her next week because I don't want to have to tell her that I have been pulling--alot.

A few hours ago, I just pulled a bunch and now I feel extremely guilty. This disease is so frustrating and overwhelming. Every time I think I may be getting somewhere in the fight against it, it overcomes me again. I really just need some inspiration or someone to talk to that understands, someone i can talk to without being embarrassed.

It has not been easy, but i have kept this a secret from just about every single person in my life. I am so ashamed of what this disease has done to me. I have pulled close to 50% of my hair out. The smallest things make me so anxious. I can't get my hair wet at all without it becoming noticable which means no showers in the presence of my friends or boyfriend--or swimming (i live on an island so that is a huge impact), I can never wear my hair down, I can't get my hair cut at a salon, I feel extreme anxiety if i even sense that someone is going to touch my hair.

When I was pulling a few minutes ago, with every strand, I wanted to stop, but I just couldnt. I can't explain it to anyone that has never had this disease. I knew I was going to regret it and that I should stop but I just couldnt. Since I have sought help, I have had periods of 2-3 weeks-- even close to a month-- without pulling at all and then one day i started again, and I havent been able to stop for one single day since then.

BeachBoo910, you can talk here. I don't have trich but I used to have a problem with cutting, so I know what it's like when you're fighting the urge. Could you maybe email your therapist?
It helps if you have something that keeps both your hands busy, something to take your urge out on, like pealing an orange or anything that you can do with your hands. You can also come here and talk if you feel like you might get an urge to pull. Don't feel guilty, you're working really hard to get better and you should be proud of yourself.

Hey,

I'd first of all like to tell you that I too am 20 years old and have been dealing with trich since the age of 7 or 8. It's never easy and it's frustrating beyond belief to have to deal with this problem, as it really is one you cannot control. I understand the feelings of regression, as I myself spent five years between the ages of 9 and 14 in therapy. I feel like one of the hardest parts is not only getting over the guilt, but admitting to someone else what you feel like you've been inflicting on yourself. I remember I used to lie in every which way to take the blame away from myself as a kid.

This being said, there are a few points I really want to make that I hope will help you.
At 16 I went to see a hypnotherapist who seemed to have "cured" me. I was pull-free practically overnight. The emphasis on relaxation techniques really helps. However, last fall I began to pull again. As you can imagine I was overwhelmed with feelings of panic and stress, I tried hypno again and it didn't help. I'm now in the same position as you are, with 50% of my hair left (we're known for strategic pulling practices haha) and hate my head being touched or having wet hair around others.
I hate wearing my hair up..... and it's a mandatory thing now. I walk around envying other girls' hair, and wishing they knew how lucky they were, or at the very least understood my situation.
But I think I've come to realize something. When I became pull-free a few years ago, I attributed it mainly to some sort of "miracle" hypnotherapy rather than my own place in life. Although I was facing all the insecurities of adolescence (a bald one at that!) I think I was ready to move on. That's probably why my second round of hypno failed, the family issues and stress which triggered my preferred coping mechanism were reinforced with false beliefs!
Although I am pulling again, and although this year has been extremely hard, I think I've found a new hope. My hope is in the acceptance of my condition, my weaknesses and an increased awareness on the way in which I can replace old coping with new, healthier habits. I'm trying to be very cognizant of all of my actions, but I don't think that that is possible until you have faced your demons, acknowledged them and have decided to face them head on. Once you know what you're facing and are honest with yourself, you create a more relaxed version of yourself and in turn feel less need to pull.
I don't know. This is all still fresh to me, the comfort thing, but so far it's working wonders.
And I just wanted to let you know, that even if you take one step forward then five steps back... focus on that one step. Draw your strength from your ability to face this, and especially remember

to always believe in yourself.