Admiring it

So usually when I pull out a few eyelashes to the point that it's noticeable I get so unbelievably frustrated with myself that I can't go out in public anywhere - including indoors - without sunglasses on. So after I pulled out over a centimeter of eyelashes from my right eyelid and not much less from my left eyelid, I figured when I looked in the mirror I would get the same frustrating feeling. But I didn't, I just sort of... admire it. Like, the perfection of the bald spots, how they're right in the middle of my eyelids with equal amounts of thick, bushy clumps of eyelashes on the corners my eyes, I can't help but appreciate it. Every time I look in the mirror I don't get angry, it's just like, even a sculptor couldn't achieve such perfection. My eyelashes have become blonde-tipped (they're still black for the most part, just at the tips they've become blonde from pulling them out for so long), so even the little eyelashes that are starting to grow in and disrupt the baldness look like a work of art. I don't know if it's all these years of getting mad at myself that I've finally come to terms with my trichotillomania, but I'm not angry.

Anyway, enough rambling, I came here wondering if anyone else has ever admired their work?

Also I want to point out that this is meant to be sort of humorous lol.

I admire mine too but only after I pull them out. I look at the black roots and sometimes put them to my face...if I pulled them out while in bed I would wipe them on my wall so I could see what they looked like the next morning (I sound like such a weirdo but I hope you understand!!) lol...but if I ever get a gap it makes me feel nauseous like "Look what I just did to myself!"

But for about 2 years now I've stopped. Yes I still get anxious or bored (esp. at work) and I have a mirror and I may pull a little out but it's not near as bad as I used to do it!

like everytime i pull,i then feel the need to rush to the mirror afterwards to see how bad i've done it this time and i have to see what i look like/if i can hide it.then i feel bad.
this one time i had a real bad episode,i pulled out like a big (bout forefinger to thumb circle) bald spot,picked clean,right on the side of my head,i'd tried to do it as far under my hair as possible so it wouldnt be noticible (but it still was if ther was a strong wind or when my hair was wet.anyway..i always used to look at it..id look in the mirror to do my makeup or something and i couldnt help but to pull my hair aside so i could see again the damage i'd done and how..(i dont know the right word) it looked.i finally got over that,theres now like about an inch length in hair there now.
when i pull my eyelashes,i guess i just get so used to seeing myself without any that i dont really care too much anymore but i still do kinda the same thing sometimes if i've been pulling

Yes I totally understand...I rush to the mirror too after I pull a few lashes out to see how noticeable it is. Also, if I pull like 3 from one eye, then I feel like I need to do the same on the other to make it even.

and when I used to pull my eyelashes badly I would wear eyeliner!! If it was just a little bald spot I would put some on it (or even a black pen/marker would work) so it wouldn't be so noticeable and even when I had ZERO eyelashes I would put eyeliner on...it made me look not so dead I guess and nobody could notice it unless they were just all up in my face!

I used to have a problem pulling out my hair on my head when I was little but I haven't done that since I was about 3...I still do like to pull my split ends apart though, LoL

huh,true lol.
oh,yes i know what you mean,like wanting to make it even haha..
i always wear my eyeliner.otherwise i feel..like an alienated person for having absolutely no eyelashes and it seems to work.
theres always that really awkward moment if someone notices and they're all like "omg why dont you have any eyelashes?!?"
".. i pulled them out.." them: "...o..kay." thats before they start treating you like a complete nutcase..

Exactly!! And especially when you try to tell them it doesn't hurt and you actually like doing it :/

It's so weird because I have pulled my eyelashes out for so long (well, I've stopped now for 2 years)...but when I get my eyebrows plucked I think it hurts sooooo bad!!

yeap lol.
so have you stopped pulling out your eyelashes for two years? (sorry,kinda confused lol)

Yes...I started in 3rd grade, stopped in 6th grade until I started HS then I guess that made me nervous so I started again...and from HS until I was about 21 I pulled and now I have been pull free again! So hopefully nothing traumatic will trigger me to pull them ALL out again!

aww thats really good. i dont know you but im proud of you lol.
i hope so too