hi...new and need some help

Hi, my daughter 13 has trech. Started about 1yr ago. At first we didn't know what was going on. Thought her hair loss was hormones...had blood work done ect. One wonderful night she told me what she was doing. Pulling her hair out. How scared she was, not knowing why she was doing this. I came down to the computer and typed "pulling your hair" I have never heard of trechotellomania before. I think we were all relieved "it" had a name. She is now on her second counseler. She didn't feel right with the first one. What can I do as her mom to help?????? We use to be so very close. She seems to be pushing me away. I know it is the age too, I just wish she would talk to me about it all. When i ask her "how was your day or night...did you pull much" she doesn't want to talk about it. Should I just say nothing and let her bring it up??? I can't stop thinking about how sad she must be about herself. I just want her to know that she is a wonderful person. Every day I cry thinking if we as her parents did something wrong. At 13 yrs old, kid could be so very nasty to each other. Please, if you could help us....what could I do to help her.

yes, it very much has A LOT to do with her age. you can rest easy knowing that. as for her disorder, you can't force her to talk to you. i wouldn't recommend asking questions referring directly to her disorder. that can make her extremely defensive, and make her feel like her disorder defines her. just simply let her know that you love her and will always be there for her when she decides to open up. then, just carry on with life. don't bring it up anymore. i'm sure she feels very scared and ashamed. the last person any daughter wants to disappoint is her mother, whether she acts like it or not. i think you two should go spend as much time together as possible doing fun things. go shopping, go to the movies, go bowling. maybe make it a once a week tradition. maybe you could even plan a weekend at the beach once a month. do things with her to help her see you as more than 'mom'. take off your mom hat and let your hair down a little bit with her. do things that will help her see you as sort of a girl friend. i know when i finally realized my mom was actually a person who felt things the same way i did, is when i started being more comfortable with opening up to her.

thank you for your help. I have been trying not to think of the "pulling hair". I need to not worry about it as much. I think my worrying makes her pull more. Her Dr told her to find something to keep in her hands to get use to that sensation rather than her hair. He told me not to bring it up, let her remember to do it. Well, this a.m. she brought up her Dr's apt today and said "oh crap, I haven't used anything in my hands" It is like she is just doing it to make us happy. Is pulling your hair something you like doing? Is it like someone who smoke or drinks and know that they shouldn't but sill do??? Thank you again for your reply.

Mom,

Trich is often a variant of OCD and both seem to be tied to the need to control one's environment.

Does she or has she been a hair twirler? Nail or skin picker? All those behaviors often occur in people with trich.

Is there anything going on that would cause her to stress out more than normal? If she won't talk to you, perhaps you could have a talk with her school counselor and let him/her know what is going on.

As for the "sugars" in your other posts, I don't recall that being a trigger for me, but I am a "comfort eater," so I tend to eat when I get stressed. Sugars, however, are not my food of choice.

Often times people with trich and/or ocd will respond well to certain anti-depressants.

If the pulling is an unconcious habit, she needs to put a barrier between her hands and her hair. Sometimes a barret will help or when she is home, keeping her head covered with a hat or light scarf. Some people wear gloves. I know these things may not be practical when she goes to school, but they may be helpful when she is at home.

Best,

B

Bereft,

Yes she is a nail picker. The hair pulling happened the summer before she went to the middle school (6,7,8th grade) New school with new friends. Before she told us that she was pulling her hair, she ALWAYS were this hat. Later she told us that it was so that she didn't pull her hair. She is talking to a psychologist whom she really likes. Last week she was suppose to use things in her hands to keep them busy, but she didn't do it. I was told by him to not remind her to let her do it. We have every thing she need for her hands, she just has to want to do it.

Today when I was straightening her hair, she has been pulling a lot on the top. She parts her hair on the side and kind of flips the hair over the bold spot. Well, the flip part is really thin and she isn't going to have anything to flip. When I explained that to her today she got really mad. Should I just not say anything?? I want to tell her to pull some where else. Oh God....I pray every day for him to just hold her hands.

As far as the meds go, we wanted to see if we could help her with out it. I mentioned it to her Dr last week and he didn't want to go that way. Hey, what ever helps her we will do.

She fell asleep the other night reading a book. I went in her room to take the book away and she kind of woke up and started pulling her hair and then saw me and said "i didn't just do that, I didn't just do that" She didn't remember doing it in the morning. \

Thanks again for all the help. It is nice to talk to someone who has her same condition. Since she wont talk about it with me. I just want to get in her head to see what she is thinking.

no, i don't or haven't pulled my hair but i have done and still sometimes do various things of that nature.

it's really beyond the fact that she knows she shouldn't do it. she feels like she has to do it in order to cope with her disorder. she feels, at this time, there is no other way to alleviate the pain. in her mind, this is not morally right but right in the way of dealing with her disorder. i'm sure she feels very exposed and violated. i mean it's how anyone would feel if behavior they knew was odd and socially unacceptable was suddenly discovered.

this is solely based on my opinion and personal experience. i'm by far not trying to say this is exactly how your daughter feels, i'm just trying to provide an outsider's opinion and possibly some insight. i think the best way you can help her is by researching this. leave no stone unturned. the better of an understanding that you have, the better chance you have of reaching her.

thanks hell has grass too!!

If you were to say pull the hair from a doll, whould you get the same comfort?? Is it the sensation on your body that is liked or disliked or is more habit?? Has anyone tried to say "I am only going to pull 20 today?? then the next day only 10. If it is like smoking, you can get down to 2 a day but you alway end up back to where you were before.

We love our daughter so much. If she never stops pulling her hair, we will love her the same. Isn't it strange, someone can bite fingernails and that is ok...someone pulls the hair and it is a problem. We care too much about how we all look.

you are so right, people in today's society are far too judgmental and close minded.

no, i wouldn't say it's the same as pulling a doll's hair. great idea, though! it's more than likely about her punishing herself. i know that's why i self injure. i haven't read too much about trich, though. it's hard to say for sure, i can only tell you my personal opinion.
you may find it beneficial to read some of cheryn salazar's books. they are for mothers whose daughters have trich. they seem to have very high ratings.

Mom,

As far as the meds are concerned, sometimes they will stop the "spiraling" effect. That is, the more stress, the more the need to pull, the more you pull, the more you stress.

She is at a very self-conscience age and even kids with high levels of self-esteem will doubt themselves during this time.

Be supportive but know that it is ultimately up to her.

Best,

hey sorry i haven't replied to this earlier, i haven't been on much!

i have trich and i also self injure and i would recommend not bringing it up with your daughter. i know that whenever my mom does i get into a bad mood. i can be really happy but if she's like, have u cut today, or have you pulled, i immediately want to scream! i don't know why and i know that she's only trying to help, so your daughter also knows that too, but for some reason it's just really annoying!

my mom took me out to the movies the other day, just us, and it was lovely! Don't say why you're doing it (because you want her to feel better or whatever) just have a little mother-daughter time it works on me so hopefully it'll work on her

hair will grow back, assuming she hasn't been at this for years, so i wouldn't worry too much about that yet, and don't suggest she does it somewhere else because that might start another "addiction" to it in another place. my one friend has the most horrible scars on her legs from pulling.

i think you're doing really well mom!

xxx