16 years and counting...

I've spent a while trying to figure out how to start this - a lot of crossing out, a lot of shaking my head. My partner is sitting across from me, watching TV, not sure why I'm staring at my screen so intently. He doesn't even know my biggest secret of all.

For 14 of my 16 years I have been struggling with this I haven't uttered a word of it. I never even wrote it in my teenage diary for fear of someone seeing it. I haven't even Googled the condition, or sought help on the internet, or faced the issue because I didn't want to think of it as a condition I can't control. My Mum taught me to fear mental disorders, because it is...disorder. That will be explained below.

Anyway.....I have Trichotillomania - and bar from a strand or two on my first few days, I have been pull free for a week. I never want to go back, but hey lets me honest, I probably will.

I don't know if anyone wants to read the story, but I feel as though I need to say it anyway, to finally admit it to myself.

I first started pulling when I was 10 - more out of curiosity than anything. Like many trichers, it was chasing that perfect bulb (sorry for triggering - I won't focus on this part). And yes, I did (do) eat the bulb. Probably the grossest of all. When I told my Mum that aspect of my condition she scoffed at me and told me not to lie - I immediately took it back. She was disgusted in me, as I was I.

I was shoved off to a psychologist but she didn't help, so I lied and said I was better so I didn't have to keep seeing her. She tried this weird meditation thing that was entirely wrong for a child (hell I couldn't sit still for more than 5 minutes), and my Mum stopped taking me to her.

But, of course the trich was still there. I kept relapsing until i was forced to a psychiatrist when I was 12. Admittedly I probably saw around 6 months of progress after this instance, but I think it came down to my mother more than my actual mental health status. I remember it as clear as day what she yelled at me, tears streaming down her face;

"You're tearing this family apart".

I was 12.

So I stopped, because I thought my parents would divorce, my sister would go nuts, everything would just fall to pieces. I was a child, with the weight of an apocalypse on my back. I honestly thought my family would stop loving me, and loving each other. Looking back I see how selfish my mother is (not was - she's still like this). Its less about my mental health, and more about her image as a mother. No one wants a bald child.

But I didn't get better - I just got better at hiding it, at lying. I was lucky though - I would never pull in front of people, and being quite social it meant there were times I wouldn't pull for many hours or even days. So, despite my area of choice to pull being my crown and sides, I was able to wear my hair down quite confidently until I was 19. Then it became more noticeable.

Skip forward: Like I said, I always had three spots, and they were always separate. It should be noted I never pulled a spot bald. I always had hair on my scalp, and I always favoured the smaller hairs, which is why luckily I still have a large head of hair.

But, now, the three spots are one giant spot. I have lost between an quarter to a third of my hair, and I consistently have to wear it up. Friends and my partner have commented that I always have my hair up, but they never know why. I am lucky in that I have a huge mass of unruly hair so my excuse of "I don't want to deal with it down" is legit.

But now I have to back comb it to look huge an unruly - to justify the hairstyle.

I was also lucky in that until about 8 months ago, my job of course was hospitality - running around all day, no chance to pull! Now I have my own office where I'm legit just stuck in my own thoughts all day. I have seen the biggest pulling episodes this past 8 months. It's never been this bad. It's made me absolutely disgusted in myself.

Anyway. A week ago I bought a heap of very expensive hair product to help combat it (if you'd like a list, check out *mod edit* videos), plus some Rogaine thrown in for good measure. I said to myself - I cannot justify this amount of money if I'm just going to keep tearing out any progress. This ends here. I allowed myself to pull freely until Sunday night - Monday was a fresh start. Though I have pulled 1-5 hairs per day M-F, it's a huge progress from the 100-200 I would normally pull. This weekend is entirely pull free.

I'm not too worried about regrowth because I am a naturally hairy girl (luckily it's blonde on my arms, but still, a lot of damn body hair) and even in the past week I've seen some growth. But as expected, none of it is right - totally wispy and rubbish. I know with the damage I have caused it will be like this for a few years. I just want to not have to look for bald spots. I just want it covered - good quality or not.

Anyway - my partner and I are talking marriage, and I will NOT have bald spots for my wedding. I will have thick and luscious hair and ALL the girls will be jealous. I haven't told my partner, but I will when I feel confident enough to control my urges and I see some progress - I can't deal with failure, and I know I will feel like a failure if I relapse after I involve him.

Funnily enough, he skin picks, and plucks hairs from his beard but has no idea it's a condition. It's messed up that we don't talk about it - he acknowledges it's there, but not a problem. I'll help myself, then I will help him.

I have to be thankful for all the good things in my life: law school starting this month, my partner, our beautiful apartment, my job, my health, and the quality of hair I have left, and intend to have soon.

I am currently pull-free, but I will NEVER be trich-free. I have never accepted it until now. Trich is a weakness, but I am not weak. By ignoring it I could never beat it - instead my lack of acceptance was feeding it. That old saying... "love and hate are beasts - the one that grows is the one you feed". I never sought help in my community. I am now. I will tame the best and think only good thoughts!

Anyway, thank you for reading my story (if anyone did), and I will keep posting on this forum to keep me accountable. We draw on the strength and support of others to tear apart the stigmas of mental illness. Maybe one day there will be universal acceptance of these disorders.

A

Ignoring urges the best weapon against truchothilomania but it is hard . If you learn ignoring urges to pull that particular hair after a while it won't bother you . Unless you have huge depression in life .