I need a good cry... Hair so thin!

I'm sorry, this is my first post, I went looking for this forum out of sheer misery and desperation.. i'm seriously upset right now because i think i have to shave my head/ cut my hair very short...

I've had trichotillomania my whole life (i'm in my late 20's) and i'm a woman. I didn't realise what it was until recently (i always thought it was a "bad habit"). As a "bad habit" i've tried so many things to stop it- usually resorting to desperate measures such as literally shaving my head or cutting it so short i couldn't grab it and pull it. But for a long time I've been in love with dreadlocks, and found out if i could grow my hair to 3 inches i could dreadlock in hair extensions to make permanent real human hair long dreadlocks. So i got SUPER excited obviously- i LOVE dreadlocks, and i certainly wont be able to pull my hair out once its dreaded up.

I've never been so happy as to think I was finally going to have my beautiful long dreadlock extensions.. i've talked about it endlessly, brought extensions, learned how to do the technique- everything. i spend HOURS on google and pinterest looking at all the beautiful hair styles. i dont have the kind of money to pay a professional to do it, but i know the crochet technique so i'd do it myself..

all i can picture and imagine is FINALLY having hair that goes below my ears.. beautiful long hair i could put into creative hairstyles... no one would ever think i was a man again (i dont care if they think i'm a hippy- i kinda am a hippy so thats fine)

anywho i really thought i'd be able to resist pulling for long enough to grow my hair to the required 3 inches. i was wrong. i tried so hard- i wore hats and headwraps constantly, but i'd find myself pushing the hat off to get to my hair... i can resist it on a calm day, but as soon as anything slightly stressful happens, even if its just me being tired or annoyed or frustrated.. suddenly there i am pulling like mad...

Theres no giant bald patch on my head- because i pull hair from all over the head. most people can't even really notice because i style my hair to hide the thinner parts... but as its getting longer the pulling is getting way worse (its just too easy and satisfying)... up close, looking, you can quite easily notice the spots that are very thin

I've never been so ashamed in my entire goddamn life. not only have i lost my chance of having my long beautiful dreads (this time around), but I DID THIS TO MYSELF... i didn't lose my hair due to some illness or external cause- i pulled it out myself, with my own two hands. its my fault that i lost my dreads. people kept telling me to "stop pulling" but of course it wasn't that easy... i've never found a way to stop... i feel literally SICK with shame... i can't believe i've done this!

fact is, unless i magically find the way to pay a professional dreadlock artist with experience dreading thin hair, there's no way i'll be able to do this myself anymore- the damage is too much for an amatuer like me to be able to do the dreads anymore, though perhaps a professional could still do it...

and i can no longer leave it at this length unless its going into a dreadlock like immediately- the damage is bad enough already, i SHUDDER to think of the damage i could do whilst "saving" to pay for a professional...

my hair looks so ugly right now... its just so damaged.... *so humiliated*. so i've gotten to a point mentally/ emotionally where i just want to shave my damn head again, or at least cut it SUPEr short like 2-3cm's. it'll be too short to pull, and will force me to stop pulling it, so the hair i've pulled out will eventually grow back and fill in the thin spots again. i am very worried that cutting it short will just make the thin spots easier to see, but... i just cant handle this anymore, i feel sick everytime i look in the mirror and see those stupid thin spots... and think about my beautiful dreadlocks that i now won't be able to have anytime soon.. maybe once i've shaved my head and let it grow back IF i can get some therapy and not pull it out next time, then maybe this time next year it'll again be long enough (and healthy/ thick enough). but its absolutely dissapointing that its off the menu right now...

i seriously can't stop crying. i feel so ugly, and repulsive, and disgusting right now. I mean... I pulled out my own hair until i started going bald!! Seriously... Oh my GOD...

Big hugs to you, beltane, if you'd like them. That is SO SO frustrating! And trich is a nightmare. Like you wrote. It's bigger than just "stop pulling."

Wanting those dreadlocks is a powerful incentive, though. Not to "stop." But to find other ways to deal the stress that triggers the pulling. Have you been to a therapist before?