In Love With Therapist

My therapist is just incredibly HAWT!!! and I'm almost tempted to post her pic to prove it...
I've been seeing her for about a month.

I was totally infatuated at first sight, I couldn't stop thinking about her, and trying to come up with things to say that would make her fall in love with me. But I reminded myself - this is just transference, of course I'm going to crush on somebody who's paid to listen to me sympathetically. Every time I'd start to think about her at night, I'd immediately grab my porn collection to distract me. I googled her, which was stupid, because when I found out about her charity work it made me love her even more.

At the last session, she was wearing an item which is a huge fetish of mine. (I pay prostitutes to wear it.) After that I went home and masturbated for hours, climaxing three times, thinking exclusively of HER. I think I made a breakthrough but in the wrong direction. I had an innocent crush on her before and now I just desperately want to meet her in a motel room or even do her right there in the office. I swear to god she is so HAWTTT. I don't know what to do, because every other therapist I've had sucked, she's the first good one but how can I tell her about my masturbation addiction...I'm scared that I might lose control and whip it out in front of her...

Hi, Redwingz! If you think it would be too difficult to just tell her, you could try writing about your problems in a letter for her to read. It wouldn't be a good idea to post her pic here and we wouldn't allow it.
Honestly, if you don't think she'll be able to help you, you should look for someone else or at least be honest with her.

If you want to tell her how you feel about her in therapy, go right ahead. She can help you discuss and deal with your feelings clinically.
If you want to ask her out and have an actual chance of her saying yes, find a new therapist first. Also, don't expect your chances to be very good, if she is hot probably 50% of her clients have the same thoughts.

First of all,

I think this is a brilliant question and would like to thank redwingz for submitting, as well as those who have answered, voicing their opinions. Personally, I find myself in the midst of dealing with some transference "issues" of my own, as related to my current therapist of three years.

Before I post a more targeted reply addressing the initial question, I'd like to mention that I've just started the process of writing a book with the aim of addressing common questions regarding transference as understood by the layperson. The book will be based upon my own experience as a patient and some research I have done over the past 5 or so years. That being said, I stronglyencourage anyone with questions about transference or the psychotherapeutic relationship in general to ask away! In fact, other than my own experience, I'm hoping to draw from the experience of others, and even use such in the book, where deemed appropriate, and obviously, only after receiving permission from the concerned parties. In fact, I'd like to give you, redwingz, the opportunity to share this post in my book in whatever capacity you'd like (anonymous, etc.). To ask a question, you can e-mail me: etransference@gmail.com; or feel free to post a question on my corresponding blog: etransference@blogspot.com.

Ok, now to the question: Redwingz, I completely understand what you're going through -- as a patient, believe me, I've been there. Others have mentioned the option of seeking a new therapist. In my opinion, this is not usually the best answer. I obviously don't know your specific therapeutic situation, but typically, if you fail to address this subject in therapy, more often than not, it will follow you. As a therapist you mention that “she's the first good one,” which makes me even more convinced to encourage you to stay with her. Do you haveto address the issue with your therapist? Of course not, but, in my experience and familiarity with the literature, doing so is extremely liberating, and can even (hopefully) help you learn something about yourself!

I get the impression that you want to tell her, but as you say, are afraid of losing control. Thus, I see the central question of how to tell her. First of all, know that she is a professional, and thus has been trained to handle this kind of a situation. In fact, what you’re describing (which I believe to be “erotized transference”), is a common occurrence in therapy, and I’m sure she’s encountered it before. I’ll give you a brief definition: erotized transference encompasses “intense, repetitive, and all-consuming erotic preoccupation with the analyst that is much more ego-syntonic than the ordinary garden variety of erotic transference” (See Gabbard, G.O. On Love and Lust in Erotic Transference. JAPA (1992), 42/2). Brief translation: you see your therapist in a highly-sexualized manner, which you experience as more of an erotic than loving nature, at least at the surface (as anything, there are obviously much larger ramifications, but I don’t think it helpful to address such here, unless you have a further question, which I’d be happy to answer).

Second, “googling” someone is very common. I believe that a very important reason we do this is because we care deeply about the particular individual and want to know more about them, which you have every right to. Note that since anything on the internet is public information, you can assume that one wouldn’t post something that was forbidden, especially in the case of a professional, who is certainly aware of this, given their situation. It’s also possible that you specifically searched for your therapist because you care about her and wanted to assure yourself of her legitimacy. After all, who wants to confide in someone they don’t feel comfortable trusting?

Third, masturbating to your therapist is also a common phenomenon which you shouldn’t feel ashamed of – you have every right to your fantasies, but you must also realized that they are not to be mistaken as realities, which would be extremely inappropriate and harmful in the therapeutic situation.

Finally, I suggest that you mention your feelings/fantasies/actions to your therapist however you see fit. It may help to think of this as having taken ownership of your feelings, and then simply giving to your therapist, who then has the responsibility of handling them, and eventually handing them back to you in an appropriate way, by validation and explaining. Remember, you can say anything in therapy. You may choose to use as much or as little description as possible. Comfort levels are different for everyone; some prefer disclosing everything at once, while others do so gradually over many sessions. After all, it was Freud who talked of therapy as “what two people can say to each other if they agree to not have sex” (See Freud, Sigmund. On wild Analysis, 1910). Hope this helps.

-eTransference

If you whip it out, she is apt to discontinue treating you and refer you on to someone else. Just FYI.

Thanks for bringing this up. Nearly every resource I've found on attraction to a therapist denies by omission that it could be a purely, or even chiefly, sexual attraction. I concede that, chances are, sexual issues are closely tied in with deeper emotional issues, and even a mere sexual attraction is a manifestation of underlying emotional "attraction." Still, as I experience it, I just want to fück her, I'm not in love with her.

I followed the prevailing advice and talked with her about it. It's actually completely awesome. I sit there turned on as hell, essentially telling her about how I want to fück the $#%^ out of her, but in psychodynamically and interpersonally appropriate terms, and she eats it up like I am being so open and honest and connected. If you can avoid coming off like a total skeeze, I highly recommend telling her. Tip: acknowledging the possible existence of an underlying emotional component to your attraction will lessen the skeeze factor, for sure; hell, it's likely the truth.

Oh, is this old? Oh, well; it's a fun topic.

Hey all,
Unlike Redwingz, the "Love" I've been experiencing lately for my therapist is not overly sexual. I'm at a point where I don't quite know what to do. About four months ago after working with him for about 7 months, I realized I felt more for him than the appropriate set of emotions. The more I got to know him, the more we had in common, the more of an actual connection we seemed to have. Now, I am not typically attracted to unavailable men, so I don't know if I'm just making $#%^ up. He's also single, which doesn't help matters

I told him not long ago what I was feeling and that I wanted to stop therapy. He was super about it--he didn't make me feel ashamed, indicated that he had a lot of love for me, but that the ironies of the intimate patient-therapist relationship is that it can't blossom into anything more. For at least two years, he said. (That part seemed odd--was that a sign??)

I am at a point where I don't "need" therapy to function and be OK, so that's fortunate. However, aside from missing him terribly, I wonder if I"m supposed to "work through" what is probably transference. Should I be doing that with him? Should I find someone else? Or given that the stuff we had in common and that he acknowledged wanting to be friends, is there possibly something here?

Thanks for reading...

I have been struggling with transference with my therapist for four years. It has run the gamut of emotions, from really liking in the beginning, to loving, to erotic and sexual, to anger. I have always tried to act under the assumption that it's transference and not anything more. I have never been brave enough to discuss with my therapist the extent of my transference. I have only disclosed that I like him more than I should and that I really care about him. He has reciprocated in a professional manner.

I do know that some therapists intentionally use transference to help their patients and I do get the feeling that my therapist has tried to engender transference and is not sure how successful he's been because I don't disclose it.

Everything I read tells me that I should discuss it with him. I'd like to, but I'm just not that brave.

Someone on this site somewhere posted this link about transference that I found really helpful:
http://www.guidetopsychology.com/erotic ... erence.htm

I haven't written since I first posted here over a year ago. Basically, my situation is the same as not_telling's at the moment. I've been seeing my therapist for going on five years and have been dealing with an erotic transference. I also haven't discussed it with him and am not sure how to. Moreover, I feel like a large part of me is reluctant to discuss this (my feelings of love toward my therapist) with him as I fear such would ruin any possibility of my fantasies ever coming to fruition. I'm afraid that he will treat me differently or act differently around me, perhaps becoming afraid of further influencing or deepening my feelings toward him. I have no idea where to go from here -- I've done so[i][/i] much acting over the years, much of which has landed me in the hospital countless times. I even went so far as to prank call him saying that I wanted to f@$! him. He didn't even mention it in the following session. *sigh* Help?