I’m writing in this forum in hope of getting some help

I’ve been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia but I’m not sure if that fits me at all
The reason for this is that when I took the test for being diagnosed with this illness I was not feeling ready for it and I’m not sure if the answers I gave was a 100% correct
A couple of years ago I had an incident in my bathroom when I was about to shower
I suddenly felt something change inside my head and it was as I lost a filter
I admitted to myself that I would be capable of doing things against my own will
Sometime later I would have a feeling that my neighbour was trying to kill me and I remember I had to leave my house
During that time I felt that I was capable of hearing others people thoughts or something like I would imagine I could hear them
Unfortunately I have also been in an incident where I thought I was in a relationship with a girl but I have never been in contact with her
These thoughts seemed to be something that was going on in my head
I know that what I have done/experienced is very wrong but inside of me I think that I still am in a relationship with this girl and I know that my neighbour was onto me
What I want to know from this information is that I don’t see myself as schizophrenic
I know that what I did I was 100% aware of but in the moment I was under the impression that everything was real/I genuinely thought based off my feelings/emotions that what I experienced was for real
What bothers me is that I haven’t been able to feel some kind of relief today knowing that what I did back then was wrong and I can move on
I know that something is wrong with me but I just can’t seem to find out what it is
I hope that someone out there recognises something in this behaviour
I’m currently undergoing therapy but it’s hard for me to open up towards my therapists especially knowing that they see this a schizophrenia and I don’t
I can genuinely tell that I’m not psychotic nor am I hallucinating, delusional or hearing voices
By nature I have always been a happy and active person but due to all that is going on right now I’m feeling very lazy
It’s also important for me to mention that I might be a lazy person and I’m afraid that my personality is the problem here
Like I can genuinely feel that the problem here might be me as a person and not some disease, or that I’m afraid that what I experience right now has something to do with me as a person
A small side note is that I sometimes experience these weird sensations where I feel like my family/friends/people on the street has something to say to me and then I start imagining things in my head and at the same time I will also feel really affected by this

Welcome to the forums. I've had similar things going on inside my head at different times of my life. I would continue with your therapy to try and get a diagnosis. Initial diagnosis can be wrong. We can fit many different patterns at different times. A year from now, the diagnosis may change again.
My mind would get over-active & I'd begin having delusional thoughts. Nothing dangerous, just not truth. I'd have a song start playing in my head that interfered with my concentration at work. It wasn't even a song that I liked.

Medication (Zoloft) helped. Realizing when it was happening & mitigating what was triggering it (going on to another activity) helped to train me away from it.
My mind can still run amok once in a while, but now I can recognize when it is happening. I can be a million miles away sometimes. It is better than it was.

Work with your therapist to try and explain these thought processes & hopefully find some relief. Crazy thinking is more common than we think. We just can't see it in other people, but we hear about these things in the news everyday.
Best of luck to you.

Hello, welcome,

I'm sorry, I need to tell you something very blunt you must have heard from your therapist already but everything you're describing are the hallmark symptoms of schizophrenia.
You say you don't believe it's psychosis because you are aware... you're not unaware while in psychosis. Your state of awareness isn't what make psychosis. You simply believe things to be real when they are not. That's the frightening part of it. You can be firmly convinced of a reality that is entirely made up and they can be things as simple as "I have a girlfriend (who doesn't turn out to even exist)" or "I'm so powerful, if a car hits me it would break instead of me" to full-blown other-worldly scenarios like "I am the Prince of Hell come to steal the souls of sinners".
Once the state of psychosis is over, you will recognise it wasn't real at all. Precisely as you are describing.

Hallucinations, be they visual or auditory or engaging another one of your senses are often easy to overlook so hard to notice if you actually have them or not unless it's a blatantly obvious hallucination. You could hallucinate for there to be 2 pens on a table instead of 1 for example. Hallucinations are very good at making your doubt yourself and reality, as you are currently also doing.

Now that does indeed not mean that you must have schizophrenia since there are other disorders that come with psychosis and hallucinations, but going from your entire experience, I am comfortable agreeing with your therapist. What you describe is what most people with schizophrenia describe. I recommend you look up "a day in the life of a schizophhrenia" I believe it is called. It's an interview on youtube in a light setting where people explain their daily struggles. You might find their stories relatable.

You asked for experiences in your post. Well, I had experiences with psychotic episodes. For me they were tied to high energy levels (opposite of what you describe as you say you've become lazy). I won't go into details about my psychotic episodes, but I can share a quick hallucination I had. I witnessed snakes, like, a lot of snakes, crawling over my body as I lay in bed. I was fully aware of it and initially I was frozen in fear, but then, with help of my partner, I managed to convince myself it wasn't real. After that I wasn't relieved, I just felt it was weird and problematic.
So that aligns with what you describe "am aware, just believe it is real in that moment".

You can always ask a different therapist for a second opinion, just like in health care, but I think this may be more a case of you struggling to accept a rather frightening diagnosis.

I wish you all best in your journey,

~ Grey