When....does one finally get it?...stop?...

Hi, very new n writing from cell phone, so please forgive brevity n mistakes ahead of time... I'm waking this morning feeling n knowing (emotionally n intellectually) that my life I'm creating these last few months is at rockbottom. How does a 47 year old woman change these crazy impulse control/behavioral junk that I am creating...finally? I don't know where to begin although going to a meeting keeps coming in to my head... Instead though I'm sitting here ALSO wondering how I can steal more of my fathers hydrocodone or convince my doctor to give me more (oh..n more tramadol n anything else to numb out). I'm so frustrated with my old a--self! I'm sitting in my appartment w the gas turned off, no $ for gas n the car, n in jeopardy of losing my job for lying.... please if anyone knows real concrete ways to start doing better...stop my self imposed rollercoaster of insanity. I soo truly want to n don't know how, by myself. I'm tired of "thinking" about what to do and want to take real actions for help but don't know where to begin. Sitting here wallowing in self pity for a moment is also REALLY pissing me off. Yet, I'm glad n grateful to have found this venue this morning. Thanks for letting me vent n any suggestions...ilya PS...I KNOW I'm scared to feel which keeps me wanting to b numb too...yet its really messing with my job n livelihood ..

Hi Ilya,

It sounds like you're finally getting it. The denial isn't there anymore.

I suggest going to an NA meeting and attending them every day for the next 90 days. In a pinch you can also check out AA. The program is a spiritual one that addresses the emptiness in life. They have an online meeting finder on their website.

There are some agencies that provide detox & referral services to people with addictions and who are unable to afford it on their own. I'm not sure if there is one in your area, but if you call one social service agency they will be able to point you in the right direction.

The worse thing you can do right now is to do nothing. I hope you take at least one step and make an appointment or get to a meeting. Let us know how it goes.

Best wishes

Dear Ladyswan
Thank u so much for ur time n thoughtful response. The best line that stood out for and in me was that the worse thing now would b to do nothing...
I've done the aa thing (started mtgs 4 ago n stayed "sober" for 4 yrs up to this past September) . But stopped going to meetings after moving here a year ago and drank after my baby dog dying in September ...kinda the last straw. I haven't been drinking a lot but boy oh boy am now into cocktailing pain meds. I had been debating trying NA instead recently so ur words really...
Thank u. I am going to find a meeting today n c how that goes.

Ilya,

I hope your day went well and that you were able to get to that meeting. How are you doing?

ilya,

Well the good news is that you seem to have the right attitude insofar as you recognize your life isn't going well and you want to work to change it. So that's a HUGE step in the right direction, and you should be happy about that.

The bad news is, you still have a lot of work to do. There aren't any secret tricks to getting your life together. You just have to buckle down and stay sober. You've done this before, so you know the drill. The cravings come, and you have to resist them, which is really frustrating. But then they go away, and then all you have to do is be careful not to relapse.

In the mean time, try to keep yourself occupied. Personally I think AA/NA meetings are a waste of time, but some people find them useful, so check them out if you feel like it. The same goes for religious groups, which can be supportive if you happen to believe in that sort of thing. If you're a secular skeptic like me, just try to find sober friends and/or family to hang around.

So that's my advice. As I said, none of it is easy. But if you put yourself in the right environment, it will be much less difficult.

Good luck!

Hi ilya,

I drank almost every day for 25 years. If I went 3 days without drinking it was a long time.

In 1993 I got my 3rd DWI and was lucky enough not to have to go to jail, but realized that if I didn't stop drinking there would come a day when I got behind the wheel again after I had been drinking, got another DWI and would spend the next 3 years in prison. I lost my drivers license for 5 years so it wasn't something that was going to happen right away, but no doubt would.

I started tapering down little by little till finally I was only drinking a few times a month when in 1996 I got a liver disease that would have killed me if I continued to keep drinking and stopped altogether. That and the DWI's were my bottom and it just wasn't worth it anymore.

I didn't go to AA or anything as I never liked going when my probation officer made me and didn't believe in the 12 Steps or that alcoholism was a disease. It's been 16 years now since I've drank and don't even remember what I saw in it.

I don't get high anymore either but that's a different story and not for public consumption.

I've been where you are now, ilya. It's a crappy way to live and I sincerely hope you can make the needed changes in your life so it gets better. I'll be more than glad to talk to you about it if it will help.