How to get rid of a Facebook stalker of 7 years

Hi everyone,

I am in need of a bit of advice and am hopeful that I may be able to find it here. First, I will provide a bit of background to explain what led to my ongoing stalker situation. I am a very happily married woman in my 30s and have been with my husband for a total of just over 18 years. However, way back in 2011, before my husband and I were actually married, we did go through a bit of a rough patch. My husband was having serious issues with depression after suddenly losing his mother in 2008 and he started struggling with pretty heavy substance abuse issues. I won't get too into detail about that since it is no longer an issue and hasn't been for many years now, but back in 2011 he ended up taking off and was acting extremely erratically, was treating me horribly, and moved out for a good 6-8 weeks, leaving me totally devastated and confused as to what was going on with him. It took quite a while to repair our relationship after the damage that he caused, but I am happy to say that, 7 years later, he has come a very long way and we have been better than ever since then. However, while we were going through this rough patch back in 2011, shortly after he had taken off and moved out, I suddenly received a random friend request on Facebook from a guy who I did not know, but was he mutual Facebook friends with my husband and I saw that they used to work together about 11-12 years prior, so I didn't think too much of it, accepted the friend request, and then went about my business. Either later that same day or the very next day, I received a private Facebook message from this guy saying that he remembered me from when he used to work with my husband and that he just wanted to say "hi" and hoped that all was well with us. I did not remember this guy at all, nor did I remember ever meeting him, but it wasn't totally out of the realm of possibility that I had briefly met him over a decade earlier as I had met many of my husband's co-workers back then. I initially found it a bit strange that he reached out to me, but we started casually chatting and I eventually explained what my husband (fiance at the time) and I were going through. I was lonely, hurt, and needed someone to talk to. Then, he somehow found my cell # and started text messaging me on my phone (I guess my number was published on my FB page back then, which it no longer is). He seemed like he genuinely cared (or at least I thought he did at the time) and said that he wanted to make sure I was okay because I was so upset and hurt by how my husband had been acting. He told me that he had been divorced for about 2 years and had no kids. We then started talking on the phone and even video chatting via FaceTime. About a week or so after we started talking, he said that he wanted to drive up to visit me (he lives in another state almost 4 hours away). At first, I was very hesitant and wasn't sure if that was really such a great idea. At that point, I did not know what was going on with my husband or if he would ever come back home to me, but I finally gave in and (stupidly) allowed him to come and visit me. I was young, naive, and very vulnerable at the time and I think he knew that and was taking full advantage of the situation. While he was visiting, nothing sexual happened between us at all. He did try to kiss me, but I kind of pushed him away. We ended up having totally harmless fun that night and went bowling, had a couple of drinks, and then came back to my house and watched movies and talked. He then left the next morning. About a week and a half to two weeks later, he came back to visit me again. Again, nothing sexual happened, but I could definitely tell that it was on his mind; however, I did not allow it. Shortly after he left, he began acting strangely and became a bit distant. He said that he had something he needed to tell me. After dragging it out for a couple of days, he finally confessed that he was NOT divorced, that he was, in fact, married, and had 4 kids. What he apparently had done was logged into his wife's FB account and blocked me from there so that I could not see her profile, and he also hid his relationship/marital status on FB so that I was unable to see that either. On top of that, he had me blocked from seeing any photos of his wife and kids on his page. I was FURIOUS and absolutely disgusted that I even had anything to do with this creep. I immediately deleted him from Facebook and told him to NEVER contact me ever again in any way, shape, or form. I even had to change my cell phone number because he would not stop calling and texting me and I blocked his number on my land line.

A few weeks later, my husband started coming back around and we began to work towards repairing our relationship. Well, this guy somehow found out and TOTALLY lost his marbles. He started creating fake email addresses to email my husband and fabricated all kinds of ridiculous, totally untrue stories about all of the "sexual adventures" that he had with me, how he was my new man and that I was a million times happier and "sexually satisfied" than I had ever been with him. He told my husband that he needed to leave me alone an stay away from me because I had "moved on." Then (and this is the really creepy part), he emailed my husband photos that he had taken of me with his phone while I was sleeping on the couch when he had come to visit. I never knew that these photos had existed. He even started calling my husband at work and tried to get him in trouble there. He also started calling our home from private numbers and he tried to contact me and friend request me on Facebook using numerous fake accounts since I had blocked his real account. This guy was hell bent on sabotaging my relationship with my husband. It almost seemed as though he felt that if he couldn't have me, then nobody else should be able to have me either. He was clearly seriously mentally ill, potentially even dangerous. I told my husband this guy's name and explained everything about how he had contacted me on Facebook while he was away and that he had come to visit me twice, but that we were never physical/sexual and that I had ended all communication with him. My husband did confirm that he did, in fact, used to work with this guy 10+ years earlier, but didn't know him extremely well. Clearly, this caused even more strain between my husband and I, but I made it clear to my husband that I wanted nothing to do with this guy and had cut off all communication with him and admitted that it was completely stupid of me to even allow him to visit me. We even eventually had to call the police because the harassment got so bad; however, they were unable to track him down because he had been calling from private numbers and they had no luck tracing his IP address. Thankfully, he did finally stop harassing my husband and I stopped hearing from him for a while as well. My husband and I then moved on and focused on healing and moving forward from what we had been through, which I am happy to report we were successfully able to do and things have been great for the past 7 years.

However, over the last 7 years, this guy has NOT stopped trying to contact me. He has created soooooo many fake Facebook accounts over the years to try and friend request and message me. He would occasionally give up for several months to even as long as a year at a time and I wouldn't hear from him at all, but he always eventually popped back up with more new fake FB accounts. Every time he would friend request and/or message me with one of these fake accounts, I would NOT respond and would immediately block the account and report it to Facebook as a fake profile; however, he was relentless and just kept coming back over and over and over again with more fake accounts. Whenever I would look at these fake accounts, it would be clear that he had these accounts for anywhere between several months to a year and had hundreds of friends on each one, most of them being women. Over the past 2-3 years, it has really died down and I could probably count on just one hand how many times he has attempted to contact me on Facebook, but the reason I am here looking for advice now is because over these last couple of months, he has really started becoming persistent with the Facebook stalking again. Just in the past 6-8 weeks alone, he has messaged/friend requested me TEN different times utilizing 10 different fake accounts. Last night, he even sent me voice messages on Facebook from 2 of the fake accounts, one with him saying, "I miss you" and the other saying "I....love....you..." Then, he even tried contacting me from his real FB account, which I thought I had blocked years ago, but he must have created a new one using his real name. He sent me several heart emjois, which made my skin crawl. Ironically, his profile photo on his real profile is of him with his arm around his wife! I have not responded to this man in SEVEN YEARS. Every single message and friend request that he has ever sent me in these past 7 years has been completely ignored and all of his fake accounts blocked. You would think that he would get the hint after this many years of being totally ignored that I want absolutely nothing to do with him, so WHY is he still trying to make contact all these years later??? It's almost as if he is a either a serial stalker, is simply completely obsessed with me, or he just wants what he knows he cannot ever have. He knows that my husband and I are now married as I have my married last name on my FB account, and he is clearly still married as well. My husband and I are very happily married and our life is great, but I don't know what my next step should be in getting this guy to cease all contact with me once and for all. I do NOT want to hear from him. I don't even want to remember him. If I could erase that time in my life from 7 years ago from my brain, I would happily do it! I am just so sick of seeing these message and friend requests from this monster. If it wasn't for needing and wanting to be in contact with certain friends and family on Facebook, I would just delete my account, but I shouldn't have to do this just because this guy will not leave me alone. I refuse to let him win, but he just will NOT give up. It's almost pointless for me to even block all of his fake accounts because it's like he has an endless supply of them! Is it time for me to finally break the silence after all these years and tell him that if he contacts me again, I will be contacting the authorities? He has never said anything threatening or even really harassing. He just keeps saying that he misses me and sending me little heart emjois. It's literally disgusting.

Please help!!!

Sorry you've had to put up with this. He is cyberstalking you, but under the law, he can't be charged unless he makes a threat to your well-being or safety, or that of your family, or his harassment or monitoring of you makes the transition from on-line to the real world. In that case you could request an order of protection, but you have to show the court there is a reasonable threat.

It sounds like he mostly has expressed his affection for you, or tried to restart things. Even though that's unwanted, it isn't illegal. You could also report him to Facebook, but they will look mainly for bullying or threats, so again there may not be much actually done about it.

I think the best course of action is what you're doing, ignoring him and blocking him, and then documenting everything that happens, as well as you can. Keep a logbook on him with dates and times and details. That way if he crosses the line and does any of the things mentioned above, you'd be ready to act immediately.

Another option would be to confront him in his real life, so that his wife and family become aware of his actions. But that could also be risky, if he is unstable, it might make things worse. So I wouldn't recommend this unless you are really ready to go to war with him. I think it may be best to continue your present strategy, and let him realize there is no reaction whatever from you, and he is wasting his time.

I realize that this means possibly an ongoing nuisance level of harassment, and am sorry for that. This is one of the pitfalls of social media, where harassment is far easier to carry out than the real world, and harder to stop. But as long as it remains at the nuisance level, it's something you can handle maturely, and it might eventually fade away.

avatar123 wrote:Sorry you've had to put up with this. He is cyberstalking you, but under the law, he can't be charged unless he makes a threat to your well-being or safety, or that of your family, or his harassment or monitoring of you makes the transition from on-line to the real world. In that case you could request an order of protection, but you have to show the court there is a reasonable threat.

It sounds like he mostly has expressed his affection for you, or tried to restart things. Even though that's unwanted, it isn't illegal. You could also report him to Facebook, but they will look mainly for bullying or threats, so again there may not be much actually done about it.

I think the best course of action is what you're doing, ignoring him and blocking him, and then documenting everything that happens, as well as you can. Keep a logbook on him with dates and times and details. That way if he crosses the line and does any of the things mentioned above, you'd be ready to act immediately.

Another option would be to confront him in his real life, so that his wife and family become aware of his actions. But that could also be risky, if he is unstable, it might make things worse. So I wouldn't recommend this unless you are really ready to go to war with him. I think it may be best to continue your present strategy, and let him realize there is no reaction whatever from you, and he is wasting his time.

I realize that this means possibly an ongoing nuisance level of harassment, and am sorry for that. This is one of the pitfalls of social media, where harassment is far easier to carry out than the real world, and harder to stop. But as long as it remains at the nuisance level, it's something you can handle maturely, and it might eventually fade away.

Yeah, I didn't think that I had any real recourse from a legal perspective since he has never made any actual threats or made any truly inappropriate comments (although what he is doing is totally inappropriate in itself). He also has not stalked me in the real world (at least I hope not!). He is just a huge nuisance and thorn in my side. I so badly just want to tell him to go talk to his wife and leave me alone, LOL. Confronting him in person really isn't an option since he lives almost 4 hours away in another state and I don't even know his address. I suppose I could try Googling him to find it and then mail him a certified letter, but I feel like that could really be playing with fire since I know from previous experience with him 7 years ago that he is clearly mentally/emotionally unstable given his massive outburst when he found that my husband and I had worked things out. I guess I will just have to keep on ignoring/blocking him as I've been doing for the past 7+ years now. I don't really think he plans on quitting anytime soon considering how it has been almost a decade that he has been doing this. He sometimes stops for a while and I will go a few months to even nearly a year without hearing from him, but he ALWAYS starts back up again. it almost seems like he's desperate to get me to start talking to him again. I don't know if he is one of those guys who gets a thrill from the chase and trying to get something that he deems as unobtainable or what his deal is. There is clearly some degree of obsession here since he obviously cannot get over me and let me go, even after all these years. I KNOW that he had romantic feelings for me and clearly still does (he used to call me when he was drunk and profess his love for me), but the feeling has never been mutual. If anything, I am totally repulsed and disgusted by him. My husband and I have been together for a little over 18 years and I have absolutely zero interest in anyone other than him. I guess I will just keep a record of all of the times he contacts me and all of the fake accounts that he uses just in case he ever does end up crossing the line! He actually messaged me again tonight and said, "It's been too long." and put a little heart after it. Ugh. I mean, seriously, just go away!

I totally agree, and think you are dealing with it pretty well, given how annoying it is.

My guess is that you represent his fantasy perfect relationship, since he never had a chance to explore it, or really even get to know you. Kind of like the person you didn't ask out in college or high school, but sometimes wonder about. The activity probably increases when he is unhappy in his real life, and may slack off when he is happier.

Most people, though, would get that those contacts would be unwelcome in the other person's life, and would not continue. The fact that he doesn't get this is what's disturbing, and why you should remain unresponsive, and not give him anything at all. He might view even a negative response as a reason to continue.

avatar123 wrote:I totally agree, and think you are dealing with it pretty well, given how annoying it is.

My guess is that you represent his fantasy perfect relationship, since he never had a chance to explore it, or really even get to know you. Kind of like the person you didn't ask out in college or high school, but sometimes wonder about. The activity probably increases when he is unhappy in his real life, and may slack off when he is happier.

Most people, though, would get that those contacts would be unwelcome in the other person's life, and would not continue. The fact that he doesn't get this is what's disturbing, and why you should remain unresponsive, and not give him anything at all. He might view even a negative response as a reason to continue.

It would make total sense that I hear from him when he's not happy with his life/marriage and he's looking for an escape! I could absolutely see his behavior progressing if I was to respond to him even one time, even if it was just to tell him to buzz off. I actually wonder if he may be having some sort of a midlife crisis. He is 12 or 13 years older than me, and I think that his wife is either right around his age or maybe a little bit older (she sure looks older), so maybe I made him feel younger the couple of times we were together in person. I specifically remember him telling me 7 years ago, "I hate who you make me want to be," whatever that meant! Also, from looking at his FB page the other day, I'm pretty certain that all 4 of his sons are now all grown up and the youngest one just graduated from high school a few months ago and either already has or is just about to leave the nest for college, so I can't help but wonder if that also has something to do with why I'm suddenly hearing from him so much more frequently lately. I totally agree that it's very disturbing that, even after 7 years of me totally ignoring all of his attempts to contact me, he STILL doesn't get that I am NOT the least bit interested! Hell, if I tried to contact someone for 7 days and they didn't respond, I would get the hint and would give up, but he has been at this for 7 YEARS! He also knows that I am married now, but I guess that doesn't bother him since he had no problem cheating on his own wife and thinks that I should do the same. There has to be something wrong with him. No even remotely sane person would do what he is doing for this long a period of time! I guess he really is the perfect example of insanity - doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results!

Now he's e-mailing me!!!! Ugh!!! I woke up this morning to an e-mail from him that just says "I miss you." This guy is insane!