Am I the only one...

Am I the only one who is phobic about having someone else who is not a family member in the house? I freak, especially if the house isn't perfect. I don't think I've voluntarily allowed anyone outside of our family in the house for almost 5 years. And, for example, I stayed home from class (college) today because my husband (a sociopath) accidentally locked us out and then called the landlord to unlock the door. The landlord is a neat freak, and my husband hadn't taken out the trash or emptied the litter boxes for over a week, the house smelled horrible - and I tried to talk my husband out of it, but he wouldn't listen to how I felt at all, even when I was crying. He insisted that the landlord would just show up and unlock the door and leave. But that didn't happen. He unlocked the door, all right, but then wanted to come inside, right through the kitchen to get some paint he had stored in the basement. (Which is where the worst litter box is.) I let him come in, because I'm a preacher's kid and was taught not to ever show unpleasant feelings in public (it's like being a politician's kid), but after he left, I lost it and got almost hysterical. Then, my husband got mad at me for being so upset and scared...and things went downhill from there. I couldn't help it, though. Not only am I phobic, I'm a cutter...and this ALMOST pushed me over the edge.

I didn't start out with this phobia, obviously. I got it from a 10 year custody fight with my abusive exhusband, because anyone who was able to see inside our house could be called to testify in court by my ex. So I got really, really afraid of letting anyone in, because several people I trusted, who were friends from church, secretly were helping my ex to get evidence. Afterwards, they realized they'd been wrong, and were sorry, but the deed was already done.

So - here I sit, alone, after my husband stormed out to our class. He wouldn't stay to comfort me, and he said a lot of mean things to me before he left...so I'm sitting here feeling like an idiot. Am I the only one with this particular phobia?

Phoenix

hi phoenix,

thanks for posting. i doubt you're the only one in the world with this particular phobia. i hope you won't continue to feel like an idiot for having it; there are many, many, many phobias out there... if other people were exposed to the same situation as you were in, they'd probably develop the same phobia as well! it's understandable...

i'm sorry to hear about what you've gone through... i can imagine how profound your trust issues are... but, remember this: the ten-year custody fight is over. you must have felt betrayed to have your friends secretly help your ex like that; i understand. however, i also hope you realize that because the custody fight is over, that nobody will continue to do it... because it's over and done with - they can't support the fight because the battle has been called off. right now, what you have to fight is this fear you've built around this finished battle. will it last as long as your custody fight? i hope not! but, it's been five years... five years of being afraid... of what? of being betrayed again? i think so. i think that's the heart of the fear. i sincerely hope you remember, though, that it's okay to breathe, to let people in (people you know and are familiar with!)... because the long and painful custody fight has faded into nothingness, leaving this harsh residue behind... this is what it is though: residue... which has manifested into something really strong and overwhelming...

the question is: how do you fight it? you've already started out very well in your battle with it: you know why it started, and you're seeking help. good stuff! now, consider what good comes out of having this fear. the only one i can think of is since you keep all outsiders away, you feel more safe. but... what about people you're familiar with? for example, your landlord.

a second thing i'd like you to consider: who around you knows about the custody fight, and your ex-husband? i don't know what has come out of your relationships with the church friends you've spoken of, but i imagine you don't keep in touch with many (or any) of them. i feel like you've started a new life, because of your current husband... have you moved away from where you used to live your ex-husband? in any case, i get the sense that you've moved to a different location... and although it won't make you forget the past, it can help you adjust to it. new place = no- ex-husband = no more fighting for custody = nobody to testify against you = freedom at last.

this might sound utopian-ish, but i truly believe in what i'm saying. i hope i've helped in some way. what are your thoughts?

take care*

Yes, I agree that there's a lot of truth in what you say. On the other hand, the custody fight was just sort of the thing that pushed it over the edge.

I grew up getting shuffled between family members and, even though I was adopted by my grandparents at age 5, they never stopped looking for other relatives to take me off their hands. I wasn't allowed to even have friends over to play, because my grandmother felt that she had done her duty already by raising her "own" kids. I even got kidnapped overnight once (a drug abuser took me to his mother's house, because she'd said she missed having a child around), when I was three - and I didn't even realize it was anything more than getting "given away" again. I didn't even cry about it, just made up my mind to be as perfect as possible so maybe this person wouldn't decide to give me away again. My feelings were actually hurt when I was returned to my mom, because I didn't know why the druggie's mom had decided she didn't want me after all. I figured I'd done something wrong to be "sent back". Later, when I was about 12, I got abused and molested by a stepfather after my grandmother died and my grandfather decided it would be best for me to change households again.

So my lack of attachment/trust for other people goes deep, deep, deep.

I think your suggestion of trying to live in the present is a good idea. And you're probably right that it's time for me to get over it. It has been years, after all. I'll work on it.

Phoenix

oh, i'm so sorry to hear that... =( but, maybe they were looking for someone else to take care of you because they weren't able to (maybe their age made it hard for them?)

your last paragraph speaks of optimism though: i'm not asking you to get over anything, but i do think you've gone through sooo much... and you've come out of it pretty strong. a kidnapping and everything! i think your phobia is a reaction to all of this. at least i think this means you know how much it can hurt to be abandoned... which means i don't think you will ever do it to someone else. you've paid it forward; from reading what you've said, i can FEEL how bad it can be to be in such a position... which makes me even more carefu (sensitive) in how i approach others. so, you've taught me something. in the very, very least, you've done that much... but i know you'll do so much more. =)