Hiding

I wAnt to hide from my problems. I left my girl at her house alone on very little to starve. I thought I cared. But she forgave me for a rape I did 10 years ago. I can't face her or help. Just torture cause she needs to be better off with homeless to keep her company. She wants to hit me
But I'm scared of myself and how I can be myself once more. How can I help myself?