My brain is so messed.

I think I have a social phobia, in school I feel so watched and nervous. But I have *just* enough balls to speak out when needed. but still, it's pretty bad. I can NEVER go to any festivals because of all the people and.. I can't take it.

Here's the thing, because of this social phobia thing I tend to stay antisocial. But sometimes I feel incredibly alone and want to reach out and touch someone. Why is my brain conflicting like this?

You know what it sounds like? Avoidant Personality Disorder...or something along that line.
You say you feel alone and you want to reach out, but you have feelings of nervousness, like people are always watching you - AvPD traits (although sometimes it is EXTREMELY hard to distinguish AvPD from social phobia from social anxiety) I believe.

Are you afraid of people judging you?
Do you feel like an observer of life rather than a participant? Like you're on the outside looking in?

I'd look up AvPD on google and such, and see if you can identify with anything said. Of course, psychForum's very own AvPD forum is great place to start - and this place is alive with help, support and guidance. Hope this helps. I may seem to be jumping to conclusions but what you describe does fit very well into the thoughts and feelings of those with AvPD.