I want to have friends but I don't want to put in the effort

Sorry if this is the wrong place to put this, I wasn't really sure where else it would fit and technically I have been diagnosed with social anxiety. Anyway, today my issue is that I don't get myself at all. I'm a walking contradiction. On the one hand, I'm terrified of winding up old and alone, on the other I tend to avoid human interaction and be extremely introverted. It's like I want to have friends but I don't want to put in the actual effort of talking to them regularly and spending time with them to maintain the friendship. I want to hang out and have fun with others, but I also hate the idea of giving up any of my precious alone time. I want to have deep, meaningful relationships with people that I go to with my problems and open up to. But every time I open up to someone, reveal something embarrassing or personal about myself or express any kind of vulnerability/weakness, I wind up kicking myself for saying/doing something so humiliating. I get lonely and wish to get in contact with some of my old friends, but always wind up avoiding doing so for fear that they will see me as clingy or weird. I get these thoughts stuck in my head like "What would I even say to them? Hi, I missed you? Who just goes up to someone they haven't spoken to in a long time and says that they've missed them and wanna rekindle their friendship? No, I can't do that, they'll think I'm weird!"

What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Does anyone else feel this way? And how can I change?

Try Facebook and the like.

I understand what you mean.But what would you think if they tried to rekindle your friendship?Would you think they are weird?I am sure that you wouldn't. But I don't think people really care about your actions as long as you are a good friend.Also,overthinking is worse than actually making mistakes.Because once you start overthinking you are not fully present so you are more likely to do the things you are trying to avoid doing.So just stop overthinking and do the action and don't worry about the rest,because of course,they'll be more than happy to spend time with you again.I know it's hard to stop overthinking,for I overthink a lot as well,but I have stopped overthinking about myself(I used to do that a lot).But believe me,there has been a reason you have became friends in the first place!
Also,try meditation and try to be more positive.

Dwaynne wrote:Try Facebook and the like.

There are lots of people that want to make friends just like you do.Sorry if my English is not the best.

TBH Bellecat ( nice name)

I was being sarcastic, I regard Facebook and Snapchat as meat feasts, I definitely would not go there, have not so far, the Gang Stalking all the social media I need within my life.

Take care,,

Dwaynne wrote:TBH Bellecat ( nice name)

I was being sarcastic, I regard Facebook and Snapchat as meat feasts, I definitely would not go there, have not so far, the Gang Stalking all the social media I need within my life.

Take care,,

I took it seriously when you suggested it... please refrain from suggesting things in jest, or sarcasm, outside of maybe JFF where people are kidding around, thanks. Folks will in the help forums, often take what we say, quite literally. There's a place for joshing around a little in JFF, but not really here.

Back to 'meat feasts'.. I suppose there is a lot of that on social media; I wouldn't know. If I don't know you personally, you're not getting on any accounts I might have. When I get the requests from these little Selfie cuties that feed off lust and admiration of others, I say to myself 'oh that's nice' and delete the requests without a second thought. Meat feasts, indeed- not a bad term for it.

Back to the OP, I can be quite the loner, but when you get tired enough of alone time, then you'll change- I did. I can often be seen as odd, or awkward, but things seem to work out, and you find yourself around people that accept you.. or put up with you, as the case may be- I certainly often feel as if that's what applies in my case- as you are. I don't have many friends, but the few I have, like me.

O.K Thank you for your open account I apologize for my tone ( I've encountered that sort of $#%^ attitude for 18 months now dipping my foot into the world of mental health forums) as like you before 18 months ago I never even gave a $#%^ about social media Facebook and the like, it's just an entanglement I've been caught up with that's all.

Before I encountered team London, clay impact or Shane Gibbs was quite happy getting ###$ in other people front living rooms with Ed China on the box, now Oh God now, I'm aware of all this $#%^, and what sick $#%^ it is, sorry it makes COVID look just and non-fiction.

You might like to think about why you want to have friends. Social interaction is on a continuum and there are vast differences at each end of what people really want. And even people who are “super social”, they often need a break from being with people.

Although I seemed to be OK during my high school years, afterwards I struggled for decades with people and like you, I never put any effort in maintaining my high school friendships nor did I make any effort to make new friends. Nevertheless, because I previously believed in the idea of “all people are social”, I forced myself to try and make friends, go out for drinks after work, etc.
But it always felt weird, contrived, fake, uncomfortable and I couldn’t wait for the experience to be over.

It was only when I took control of my mental health (I believed I had social anxiety & depression for decades) because the so-called mental health professionals in white coats hadn’t done anything for me in decades and so I decided I had to do something myself for myself. What I discovered is a whole world of knowledge that no-one had ever shared with me and what then following was a period of about 6 months, where I came to see that I was not actually ill and that all these alleged professionals were just giving me their opinions, not facts. They don’t understand the mind or even know where it is, or what is in it.

I also realised that we are all being more or less forced into being social, whether we like it or not, and that the differences in people’s social interaction needs were being ignored and the made-up idea of “normal” was being used to force people to be social because this is the ideology of how mental health people have been trained and conditioned to do their work.

To this day, I don’t really understand what friendships are for, but more than that, I don’t seem to get anything out of being with people. I am fine to sit and chat over a coffee with someone for a short time, but other than that, I have no benefit from being with 2 or more people, like a bar, party, club, stadium, etc. I watch movies and videos online and read stuff, but I don’t interact with people unless I have to, or a chance coffee chat arises and I think it looks OK. I am OK with non personal human contact.

I live alone and spend all my time alone, but I am never lonely. I am calm, relaxed but I have never ever felt 100% calm or relaxed when I have been with someone, even when I was married. There was always the sensation of a slight edginess/anxiety/apprehension with girlfriends or my wife, who is the loveliest, kindest, gentlest, non troublesome person you could ever meet - and yet, I never felt 100% comfortable with her.

So whatever you feel about being alone, please remember these things;

1) We are all alone, every one of us. Even though many people have other people in their lives (BF/GF/marriage/kids/friends), it does not mean they are not alone.

2) We are all born alone and we all die alone.

3) Loneliness is not caused by the physical absence of other people. It is caused by the thoughts that a person has about not having people in their lives and their belief that having people brings happiness, which it does not. It is an impossibility for someone to bring or give you happiness, or peace..

Lastly, almost everyone is wrapped up in their own troubles and $#%^ and they really don’t think about other people as much as we think they do. So you can ignore any thoughts you have about “what other people think of you”, because mostly they don’t care.

There is nothing wrong with you. You just need to examine why you think you want friends and in what way.