Kinda lost, and... i want to better myself

Hey guys,

I've ben thinking a long time about sharing a certain aspect of myself, with others online because I'm just curious what some of yall think of it, and what they cause of it can be. As you will come to understand, me being... me.... causes that I can't go into therapy ironically. I just can't.

Okay so,

Ever since I was 11 and onwards, I have this habbit of running away of situations, things and people.

Whether it's having to go to school, ending a school day short by going home.

leaving a party after several hours.

leaving in the middle of staying over with a friend, so the fun gets cut shurt, when we were suppose to have a sleepover.

every course i've done during my teens i have never finished.

I've never kept a friend, i always found ways to, suddenly emotionally detach from them and dropm them. allthough i truly did attract alot of weirdos that made me feeld drained.

dating etc scares me.

I don't like spending time with family, It's fun for awhile but after awhole spend i get very drained, like I'm about to cry and sometimes I do. They just drain me so much and i want to walk away.

I dont like going to birthdays, never do those anymore. In fact i dont even celebrate my own birthday.

I've quit high school. because i ended up home so much that it got ruined anyways. I got bullied alot btw.

I quit and walked out on every job I ever had.

Every education I tried, i end up skipping days, because i feel 'stuck' with people. And, it just gives me the feeling of claustrphobia.

When i have a doctor, who gets too fammiliar with me, i find a new one.

Even online friends, i just dissapear eventually. I must have had thousands of nicknames and identities. I'm not even just saying that.

I don't like going to neighbourhood activities. The thought of having to know these people and having obligations makes me feel trapped.

The very last thing I did was a language course 2 years ago. I ended up not going to the last 2 days because I dreaded the awkward saying 'goodbye' to new 'friends' or whatever they were. I just couldnt stand it. I always am the first to leave the party basically.

I haven't phones my aunts, my grandma in years. I love them deeply actually. But somehow I just can't feel like I have the energy to take on the 'obligation' to be there for them. BEcause I'm so depressed, empty and drained (i have several chronical illnesses), that i just know i cnt be there for them and will have to cancel most thing anyways.

I've had therapist, like 3 of them, i just stop going after the first few times. It always ends up that way. Even though at first I enjoy being brutally honest about myself.

I've had wodnerful job oppurturnities missed out on.

I had a client who i made alot of money through and i somehow managed to mess it up, i think it was self sabotage, because she became too close to me, and even though she praised me and was so fond of my work, i somehow ofcoruse had to ruin it and run away from it.

Now having typed all of this out, there's obviously an onging theme here, but i didnt realise this about myself until recently.

I'm just curious what the reason of this behaviour could be, and how I can fix it.

I've been in a relationship though and i dont feel problems with that person.

His parents however too, give me awful claustrophocib feelings, and i prefer staying away, which they hate me for, and besides the mother is a covert narcisssist.

What else can I say, my mother was emotionally negleting, not absuve per say, she treated me lile a little doll. But, i felt like she never looekd within my soul, and accostmed to my needs and feelings, and inner experience of the world.

She's had a string of dominant loud boyfriends. WHo were all demaining to me, humiliating, shouting, and shaming me. Some played mindgames.

Example:

I'd be busy with my colorfingbook and in a good mood. My stepfather would then ask me why im looking so angry. However iw asnt angry. This would make me fele upset, and he kept pushing it and telling me, stop looking so angry. then i'd break down in tears. And he would hit me with his big hand in mn face.


My biological father died just after I was born.

I got bullied alot in school. I'm very sensitive and kind spirited. In fact i do care alot about people. I'm not numb to social ineractions. I do care. But somehow I feel like i 'cant handle' it.

Growing up, my mother spoiled me actually, but i could never have my own voice into the things i wanted. I copuld do whatever i wanted however, as far as... bed times, eating non stop candy, never making homework. I could be in the city at 11 PM, roaming around at night. I was only 10.

There's been isntances where my mother would pretend cry and lock herself in the bathoom when me and my little brother had been fighting. Or several times when, she told us she was gonna hit a tree after we dramatically were being told to get in the car. She did hit us, but some others would say it was just normal spanking.

Im just in a point now in my life at 28, that im chronically ill, deflated, depressed, anxious, with no education, no longer a job. A serious immunne disease. Also fibromyalgia and pain.

I hate being a 'victim' and wqhining about it at the same time so i often get very frustrated.

I want to get my life back on track, and have done alot of self searching, but this very issue i discussed first the, always wanting to run away from people, being stuck at jobs, being stuck in buildings, or with things. Situations, parties, therapists, doctors. Anything.

I couldnt even have children. The thought of it terrifies me. I have several pets who i love dearly but sometimes they get on my nerves.

I like to be all alone, yet i feel so alone.

I'm sorry if my myself is all over the place, I often have a hard time focussing at all. In school too i would stare at a book and i wasnt able to read it, i just couldnt focus. Whenever Im with other people i zone out. I have a hard time being social without just pretending to be fine, or thhings going awkward.

Thank you for reading. II'm just curious for yalls opinions. I never shared this stuff before with anyone in this detail.

If you can find a therapist who specializes in early childhood trauma and complex PTSD, that would probably be the best thing. You're describing severe, prolonged emotional neglect and abuse from early childhood on, and the symptoms that you describe are common in traumatized people.

It's great that you are able to be in a relationship, though, and I think if you can find a therapist with the right kind of training and experience, they would really be able to help you. Bring a copy of your post with you when you go--it would probably be very helpful for them, and a good starting point.