Can't be myself (special case!)

(Severe situation, please read if you at least think you might be able to help)
Hi, my regular self gets blocked and the way I am changes - in differing degrees and ways.
But I don't lack understanding of how to function well in the situation - it just gets blocked.
And it's not that I get nervous and feel like I have to be like the others and put an act accordingly.
No - I have way more depth, capabilities, and stuff I understand that would enable me to perform well, but it just gets blocked, and thus - I don't have that available in the moment, and the way I act - because I don't have my natural regular self and all the other stuff it relies on - it can be so different from me, and can seem outwardly like it's because I don't know better.
It gets SUPER frustrating, and I have many aspects and avenues I can and want to go in life, and my time has been running out, and I don't want it to be too late.
It's like I can't live-out my regular-self in the world. And a lot I could have had already, gets "robbed" from me.
And on top of that - I seem like a quiet anxious weirdo when I try to avoid this happening when I try to talk to people. When really, I know way more that'd let me perform WAY better in life, but I'm not able to because of the blocking/restriction.
I already have all the stuff necessary but my access to it gets restricted and I sound/act/behave/think/feel different and can't get to the results I already could've already if this didn't keep happening.

I have a history of severe social anxiety.
But I got over a lot of it and developed a lot, understood a lot (I don't mean just about the social anxiety I had), and improved a lot.
The restriction/blocking doesn't happen out of my opinion of myself and my capabilities. It's like an independent thing from me taking over brain function and inclinations.
It doesn't go according to my own opinions, usually as it happens I literally am also aware I already know how to do the thing it's restricting me from doing (but sometimes I also forget I do if the effect is too strong, which is also common).
I also hear the intonations, notice the behavior, what I say, the thoughts/feeling coming up, etc. - it seems so different, unnecessary (because my regular self knows way better how to be and I know for a fact would be different in the same situation if I was able to be myself).

This isn't a case of falsely believing I'm more than I am.
What I think I can do way better isn't just based on feeling, it's stuff I "use" in my regular thinking and being, usually - when am away from "frontal" interaction which usually triggers the restriction, and what comes with it.

I already know all the stuff to perform well in the situation and achieve what I set out to, except for how to get loose from this "external" programming - or whatever it is - that takes over and blocks/restricts me and what I can do, and makes me seem different.

It's like something just kicks in and shuts off my access to my regular self.
Perhaps it's due to growing up with social anxiety and not understanding what's happening and the anxiety not giving access to normal processing of life which keeps the cycle going and that you're "in danger" of failure - because on top of the anxiety, you also didn't develop the skills to use even if it wasn't there (this isn't the current situation, as I've taken the time for development, but the "programming" or whatever it is still persists outside of myself).
But again, it's not that I know how to do the stuff that I want to do BUT my opinion is that I can't. Nope. It's just that thing restricting me most times I try to do anything out in the world.

The most important thing is - how do I solve this/"break out"?
I have so much good and positive stuff I want to do in the world and I'm just locked out of my regular-self that could've already been doing that stuff, if my regular-self was just always available - like most people have happen automatically.
It gets to such extremely frustrating and painful levels, and I feel alone in this, which is also part of the pain (I won't ever kill myself, though, so).

someusernameidk1010 wrote:Hi, my regular self gets blocked and the way I am changes - in differing degrees and ways.
But I don't lack understanding of how to function well in the situation - it just gets blocked.
And it's not that I get nervous and feel like I have to be like the others and put an act accordingly.
No - I have way more depth, capabilities, and stuff I understand that would enable me to perform well, but it just gets blocked, and thus - I don't have that available in the moment, and the way I act - because I don't have my natural regular self and all the other stuff it relies on - it can be so different from me, and can seem outwardly like it's because I don't know better...

...I already have all the stuff necessary but my access to it gets restricted and I sound/act/behave/think/feel different and can't get to the results I already could've already if this didn't keep happening...

...The restriction/blocking doesn't happen out of my opinion of myself and my capabilities. It's like an independent thing from me taking over brain function and inclinations.
It doesn't go according to my own opinions, usually as it happens I literally am also aware I already know how to do the thing it's restricting me from doing (but sometimes I also forget I do if the effect is too strong, which is also common).
I also hear the intonations, notice the behavior, what I say, the thoughts/feeling coming up, etc. - it seems so different, unnecessary (because my regular self knows way better how to be and I know for a fact would be different in the same situation if I was able to be myself)...

...It's like something just kicks in and shuts off my access to my regular self.

This sounds like it might be related to dissociation--having an "independent thing" taking over and shutting off access to your "regular self" is common in dissociative disorders. You're also describing noticing/watching the one who has taken over, and that they have different intonations, behavior, thoughts and feelings. That's dissociative as well.

You may want to look at the posts on the Dissociative Identity Disorder forum to see if there are aspects that resonate with you. It's a myth that a person has to be unaware when another part takes over. It's MUCH more common to be aware and not able to control what the other part is doing or saying.

It's just something to think about that you may not have considered.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:You may want to look at the posts on the Dissociative Identity Disorder forum to see if there are aspects that resonate with you. It's a myth that a person has to be unaware when another part takes over. It's MUCH more common to be aware and not able to control what the other part is doing or saying.

It's just something to think about that you may not have considered.

Woa, that's what I was thinking as I was reading the first part of your comment. Thanks, I'm going to go see

I can relate to this. I have extreme social phobias but we know they're due to autism and major sensory processing issues.

Part of my autism is something called 'Exposure Anxiety' where you "can't do anything by yourself, as yourself and/or for yourself" Mine is so severe that in the outside world I can only function as an alter of myself. A version a little more socially able so I can at least cope with saying hi to the neighbours,sorting out bills etc

Where the phobia is so intense even the alter is blocked (eg speaking on the phone) I use a special phone for the deaf so I can type everything and an operator reads it to the other person on the phone then their reply comes back as typing across the minicom screen. (There's also SMS and Email now but some businesses won't use them and will only give an automated phone line -such as vets, GP's).

I can't even walk or speak (as myself) if I'm being watched. Due to balance problems occurring later in life I then really struggled as I needed to really concentrate to walk AND keep my balance PLUS trying to process all the visual information PLUS trying to process any speech and language (if someone was with me and talking), so my alter has to use mobility aids/wheelchair if anyone is around so the brain can focus on processing the visual info or what the other person is saying. It's like it can't multi task at all anymore! You can walk or you can listen which is most important at this moment? It's incredibly frustrating!