Hello everyone. Things had been spiralling down recently so I need some help. I don't know from where to start. I have a history of depression, ocd,social anxiety and bdd for many years, although I recovered from them more or less. And now it seems like the mental disorders are returning.
As far as I can go remembering my past, I had always been very vunurable to bullying. As a child I was mocked by everyone about how thin and long I was, and I disliked my body. I had few friends and often got kicked out of classes since I entered into quarrels and fights with bullies, and then got insulted at home. I had no self confidence, but then things begun changing. My body became good looking as I reached teenage and I was finally able to build some self esteem. But the painful, yet funny, thing is this that my face no longer looks good now. I was very cute as a kid, but then my face didn't developed into a nice looking one, and I was once more concerned with my appearance. My self esteem shattered down. I am way below average looking than most other boys. I can't help but feel jealous and sad comparing myself to my family and relatives and friends.
My social anxiety has returned. I know my good points and enjoy them, but my appearance feels like the core of my personality and mental well being. Without a good face, there is a void that can't be fulfilled. It affects all aspects of my life. I feel depressed because of my appearance and struggle in other things too.
Right now, I am preparing to go to college, in a different city, in a few weeks. I don't want to go there carrying my depression, and social anxiety. I tried my best, again and again, to overcome social anxiety, and to learn all those things that I should have learnt as a child which I missed out because I always avoided people in the fear of being picked out and mocked. I had some success too. I learnt some basic, easy, necessary social skills. But in my mind I can never be comfortable around people. I feel inferior, stupid, loser who is never ever going to be good enough like others. I feel there is never an ease between me and the other person, and he never looks willing to be my friend. People give me strange looks. It's difficult to look at my face when I look in the mirror, let watching someone else in their eyes. I always wondered that why does the world look at me strangely, but now I know why. I could get past throigh all the demotivating social experiences, if only I could look better, but that never happens.
As I just mentioned, I am about to go to college and there is no time to learn anything now. I need some sincere advice. How can i manage my problems, make friends and not let my problems disturb my studies? I don't feel ready for college. I am interested in the new things that I will learn but dread about staying lonely away from home and taking responsibilities all by myself. I need some help and guidance. I can't talk about this all to people I know, so this is the only place where I think I could get some advice. Thank you.