What can I do?

I am 35. Never had sex. I spend most of my time watching movies or writing code for web. To relax I go for a walk at the beach (sometimes alone, sometimes with my 2 friends). I do not mingle easily with new people. Basically an introvert.

Girls seem to like me during my college days. They used to get my number through my friends just to talk to me for friendship. But I used to ignore them totally as I am very very shy(even now). My parents are seperated for more than 30 years. Mother has had psychological problems. My father himself is an introvert and is utterly incapable of taking his own decisions and depends on his brother. He never married again and had no gf's rest of his life. I see that I have inherited a major chunk of my parental negative traits (dark circles under eyes is one of those which makes me feel very low in confidence). At my workplace, staring at my laptop screen for 15-30 minutes makes me look very tired, and I feel extremely nervous when people are around as I don't like people looking at my tired face. Every hour or so I go to restroom to look at the mirror. If I look really terrible, then I go to the loo room, lock myself inside and stay there for nearly 40-50 minutes. I still remember locking myself inside restroom even during my school days (14-16 yrs old) at school to skip classes

I get depressed often, but when I am not depressed, I feel good and my confidence shoots up, and that reflects on my face. Its like a loop.

I have decided not to marry as I do not want to take up responsibilities. I know that if this pattern continues, I will end up never having sex in my life. Often I think is it worth living this way. But i am too scared to kill myself.

What can I do?

It sounds like you could benefit from some kind of mental health service. I used to be very much the same, and feeling stuck, unable to change. Sometimes we need help to reach the goals we wish to reach, and there's no shame in that. I've been through some years of therapy, and to different kinds of support outlets like groups and community groups and workshops. It took some years to feel confident enough to actually go, and that was WITH therapy. So it's a process. I too inherited and/or was modeled the introverted life style. It's not a death sentence because if you want to change, you have the ability to, it just takes a lot of time and a lot of support.

Often when we're depressed we feel we look bad, and when we're not, we feel we look okay, it's a vicious cycle, and completely normal.

Anyway, that's my two cents. Good luck.

Thanks for your 2 cents Alucard

I would like to add a little more...
I don't have any love for my parents. I don't know if its a "hate feeling", but I know that I wouldn't care if anything happens to them. It was not my parents who looked after me all these years. I feel that I came into this world by mistake/accident as my parents marriage itself was arranged by elders as they believed everything will be fine once they get married. Now I will not do the same mistake of bringing a child into this competitive world and have him go through the same suffering.

I spend a lot of time analyzing myself. And to an extent I am aware of my negatives and positives. But often I keep struggling to get out of this low feeling. I am unable to speak to people confidently as I am very self conscious. I am talk about silly things when rest of the world seem to be worried about achieving greater goals.

I want to experience sex, but I am too scared to have sex with a prostitute or a random girl on adult site.

I don't have any ideas of attending a therapy or meet a professional who deals with this kind of stuff. I just want to be able to fix this myself.

Yeah man, I am 34 and never had sex too. As the saying goes, with greater power comes greater responsibility I think that having sex is first step of the many to more responsibilities in life. Because eventually the the other half will want to have baby and then it goes to expectations of your family necessities, car, house etc. for which personally I am not ready to face because I have social phobia, depression and with them no confidence in myself.

People and relatives probably think that I am weird and who knows, maybe they question my orientation? I think it's something that only we can understand while other can only negatively judge us.

lonelyblue wrote:Now I will not do the same mistake of bringing a child into this competitive world and have him go through the same suffering.

People are hypocritical aren't they? We complain how life sucks, yet we bring babies into this world because of our egoism. We don't want to be alone, right? But if life sucks to us, why make it suck for someone else?