An emotionally devastating experience

I, unfortunately, had a crush on a guy who I think has social anxiety issues...

We used to live in the same dorm.

We saw each other for the first time as we settled in, because destiny made us arrive and check in on the same day, at the same time, but we haven't been introduced.

Since that day, everytime we bumped into each other, we barely exchanged glances.

At the beginning, he used to hang aroung the study room downstairs where I go, too. I noticed him making eye contact with me. I remember that, once, I took the personal challenge to give him a longer glance and I felt incredibly surprised as I realized that He didn't look away at all, but he kept staring at me!

The following time I met him, I was standing down at the corner of the street, waiting for the tram, and I saw him going out of the dorm and moving towards the tram stop, too... We both felt comfortable with staring at each other from afar, but at that moment, he walked right past me. I dropped my gaze down on the floor, while he might have expected me to nod to him because He turned his head towards me... I felt guilty about that.

After some weeks, I was walking down the street and suddenly saw him from a distance, while walking in the opposite direction. He was widely smiling! My eyes lingered at him for few seconds, just to see if he was smiling absent-mindedly or if he was smiling right at me! As I confirmed the second hypothesis, 'cause he was looking straight at me while smiling, I suddenly turned my head away, I started blushing, feeling awkward and embarrassed. I nervously took my phone out of my pocket and pretended to check it... An inner wise voice was loudly telling me: "don't be impolite, like you did last time, nod to him this time! Stop being shy!". That voice ordered me to return his smile.

Then I raised my head, but at the moment I half smiled him back, he flashed me a nervous look and He picked up his phone.

We were closer and I was ready to silently nod to him, because he was about to call somebody, I thought, but I had to hold back from doing it, because he passed me by with his shoulders hunched and his head down (a hermetic posture).

We met other times, but never spoke to each other. After a while, I decided to make the first move, I found the courage to post a letter through his door, in which I wrote that he surely knew me by sight, that I just wanted to make his acquaintance and that, if he wanted to, he could contact me at the number I wrote below. 6 days later, on Sunday, He texted me, telling me that He was willing to meet up in the following week.

We exchanged some text messages and, since we lived in the same dorm, I found it silly to introduce oneself in that way, that’s why I stuck to generalities, waiting for him to ask me out or make a move. On Thursday evening, I replied to one of his texts saying "we could talk about that in person" hoping that he’d get the hint… but didn’t reply at all. After few days I wrote him again, apologizing for not being precise, telling him that I didn’t mean for us to meet that evening! (I thought he may be frightened of that, thus he ignored my text) Finally, He asked me out for a coffee. As we met, I asked him if he already knew that I was the author of the letter, but he answered that he hadn’t the faintest idea of the author’s face. Then I asked him if, at least, he knew me by sight and he nodded. That seemed weird, because I known for sure, that He didn’t know anybody else in the dorm, except from another boy. Furthermore, he never asked me how I got to know the position of his room, even though in the letter I wrote that I would reveal it (I felt awkward to tell him).

To keep my tale brief, I will just tell you that, even if we didn’t have another date after that first one (He postponed without rescheduling the second one, telling me he was busy), I thought I got some mixed signals and I yearned to stop wondering if he was into me or not.

One day, I was alone in the study room. He saw me and came to see me. After a while, I changed the tone of the conversation: I confessed to him the way I found out his room, telling him that I just saw him getting in his room, which is downstairs, one day, when we got in together through the main door. Though he replied that he already guessed that, I explained that I felt the necessity to be honest (I wanted him to trust me more).

After then, I rewound back to the moment when we met along the street. At the beginning, he was acting like a skeptic, pretending not to know what I was talking about. As a reflex, I started feeling confused, I even started doubting, so I said "damn, I feel stupid, I may have confused you with someone else," while scratching my head. He reassured me, asserting that “He might be him, since I often walk down that street… so, chill out, there’s a chance that was me“. I clammed up, not knowing what to say. We were both embarrassed; then, with his head down, he sarcastically said "well… I feel observed!" and he walked away.



I really didn’t know what to think, so after a week, I sent him a text confessing that I started having a crush on him since I bumped into him that day, asking him to let me know his opinion on that. 3 days later I sent him another text, in order to fix this embarrassing situation, telling him that I got the meaning of his silence, that I respected his choice and suggesting him to remain on friendly terms. I desperately got ghosted by him.

I wished He could have openly rejected me, even with some excuse.

After a while, before He left the town, I accidentally bumped into him many times, because he strangely started smoking outside at the entrance. He seemed kind and nice but we never evoked that topic again.

I remember that when I asked him "when are you leaving exactly?" He answered me with his voice shaking, while looking me straight in the eyes.

He even proposed to give me away his last foodstuffs.

I asked him whether he has any social network or Whatsapp, in order to keep in contact, but He said no, so we swapped our e-mail addresses.

I remember that in moment I revealed him my complete first name He burted out a compliment on it (nice name!) and all of sudden, looking destabilised and umconfortable, He added something else that makes no sense to cover for himself, like saying it was better that the abbreviated name of my e-mail address (which doesn't exist).

This is a bit strange since you say that you lived in the same dorm, and assuming that this is an all-male dorm, that you may be gay. It may be a co-ed dorm, but if it is not, that could be a major complication. In general, when men glance sights or want to talk and be acquainted with each other, it is more of being friends and not romantic partners. And that is fine: most people are heterosexual anyway. So maybe this guy just kind of realized that you are gay and did not want to escalate things but rather keep it on the low key and just be friends — not too close, just friends.

Now, if you are a female (or a male, assuming the guy doesn’t mind being with guys), then things are quite different. He could be having social anxiety issues. But while reading, I had a tinge of contempt for the man. Frankly, and I may be wrong, I think this relationship may not be reciprocal. That happens so often. One person likes another, but the other does not return the same. In fact, you can find unrequited love in books like Twelfth Night (Shakespeare) and The Knight’s Tale (Chaucer). Anyway, I fully believe that you really like this guy and have a crush on him. And you did what anyone in your place would’ve done: you started from the bottom like Drake. Begin with glances and smiles, then stares, then an exchange of hi’s and bye’s, and dates. It’d be weird for anyone to just ask out a stranger for a date: that’d be rude and borderline sexual harassment. But I don’t think he likes you seriously enough for a relationship. Typically, people smile at each other not because they want to be in love but just to be nice and cute.

This guy may also be a little restrained. He may be socially bound by anxieties or values. He may hate being around other people, being socially awkward, not knowing what to talk about, fearing how other people would perceive him, panicked about what would go wrong in the date, scared of meeting new people and getting into the huge world of love. And I empathize with both of you if that’s what’s happening. What you should do, then, is to comfort him. Make him feel as if he is of so much value to you, that he is integral to you, and that you want to talk to him so much. Mention any qualities or characteristics you admire in him, as that can raise his self-esteem. But remember that he can give the thumbs down, so don’t feel too upset, and know that the rivers of life move on. The world is not lacking in men; believe me.

I also theorize that you may have escalated things a little too fast, or conjectured too far that he likes you enough for a relationship. You mention that embarrassing situation in which he seemed to have trouble recalling the instance where you guys were on the street. But right afterward, you text him confessing your crush. That is a huge leap, you know, and I don’t think he was ready for that yet. Again, I don’t detect a reciprocal relationship where he is willing to exchange the same love that you offer him. Doesn’t mean he is a jerk, it is just that we unfortunately cannot convince everyone.

At this point, I want you to feel a little better. Yes, things have gone a bit awkward, but that does not mean the ship can’t return to sails. Ask him politely if you guys can meet again and just talk. That way, you guys can get to know each other and laugh about the world. That would reinforce your relationship and, more importantly, make him a bit more comfortable with you. Then tell me how it goes. But if it doesn’t work out well, then don’t take offense. Try with someone else. Remember that you do not have to feel sad when you can feel happy with someone else, and not all our first tries are bullseye. (Personal experience here, as I encountered SO MANY of the same things you have faced. I feel you, I am you.)