"Just be confident" everyone tells me
... But how?
I have been having the hardest time finding a job and it is all because I have had a series of bad interviews. I am trying to find a job as either a high school or middle school band director (Kind of a crappy job for someone that has social anxiety. Trust me I know, but that's another issue that I'm trying to deal with. For now, I'm trying to take it one step at a time).
Every single interview I've had starts with me feeling pretty good. I've done my homework, I know every question they might ask me. I know I'm competent in my subject, I know I could do a good job at it. I know I'm an employable person and any school that hires me would greatly benefit from my expertise. Then I walk into the interview room and a little voice in my head says "who are you kidding? You're garbage"
My heart starts pounding, my palms start sweating, I am breathing hard and my mind is completely blank. I go in for a handshake and I awkwardly miss their hand. They ask me a simple question and for some reason I don't understand and need them to repeat it. Every single answer I give is completely incoherent and I stutter with every word I speak. Then after it's all said and done, I get in the car to drive home and I know exactly what the perfect response to every question would have been and I didn't even come close.
I think it goes without saying that no one in their right mind would hire someone with an interview as bad as that one. But I don't know how to control it. I've tried just about every technique that google has provided me and nothing I do seems to work.
And with each failed interview, the further down my self esteem plunges. Here I am sitting unemployed while the friends that I graduated with are all on facebook posting pictures of their new jobs. I imagine them talking about me, saying things like "who would want to hire that guy? He sucks".
I've sank into a deep state of depression. I don't want to see my friends or anyone because I don't want to answer the question "So how's the job hunt coming?"
And I would LOVE to get therapy, but without a job, I can't exactly do that. Anyone have any advice for me?