sorry about my basic english
what to do if you have a sort of panic attack at work, how to explain it to people who are rather ignorant and don't know what it is how it feels like and never before in their lifes witnessed anyone behaving like that and are probably creeped out and completely flabbergasted by all this, how to explain them that.. exactly what caused it, what i was panicking about..
people get shyness but not on this level, i'm afraid they'll be scared of me like i'm hysterical and potentially dangerous lunatic,
i behave bizarrely in general but mostly just come off as very shy and weird and it wouldn't be that big of a deal but sometimes and unfortunately more often recently the anxiety/uncomfortable-ness is just unbereable and i literally feel like i'm about to choke and die on the spot, i can't breathe, i can't swallow, my eyes pop out and are all bulgy or i have this kind of tic where i close my eyes very tightly, blink in a weird robotic way,
i constantly have this gross weird unnatural expression on my face and oh god when someone talks to me or ask something when i'm in this state, first of all i can't answer them, i just can't physically speak not that i don't know what to say i just can't blurt it out, another thing my eyes will be all over the place, looking everywhere but the person's direction, if i'll be able to say anything it'll be in a whisper which as you can imagine is just.. ugh it's just terrible,
thing is you can tell just how uncomfortable i am and people wonder why, what's wrong, what did they do, they just asked a question/said something to be friendly what's this response or lack of.. why i react like this, you know..
today i had to go to the bathroom because it got too much and i could tell if i don't leave now i'll burst to tears or start to hyperventilate or something, i still feel like everyone knew that i just wanted to hide because normally i don't go to bathroom at all and i don't drink at work so it'll be weird if i needed to take a piss every half hour all of a sudden.. so this thought is not pleasant but it's better than them witnessing me acting bat-shit crazy WITHOUT anyone doing anything to me or anything happenning to me (in their eyes anyway),
the thing is, what if they'll witness me having a "panic attack" in the future? should i just resign from work after something like that? if i wouldn't get fired or sent to the psychologist office anyway.. how can you show yourself again after something like that, people will never forget that and they'll always view you in a negative way and see as off-putting/ gossip about you/the accident.. i fear that this will happen eventually.
were you in that kind of situation? is your SA this bad or can you pass as "normal"? i can't make small talk, i can't smile at people, someone would look at me and smile and i just stare at them completely emotionless (what makes it worse is that i have a kind of bi*ch face and they may think i'm rude) or look away or at the floor, my face is paralyzed i just cannot smile, the same with jokes they tell or anecdotes they share, i could laugh even when i don't find them funny i know i can fake a laugh but not when i'm this stressed, so again, may come off as rude,
this is all one huge disaster, the job is really important and i feel like just job-wise, like doing the job properly, i can make it but the social thingy.. i can make it too i guess but what kind of life is it, going there 5 days per week feeling nauseous all the time constantly so nervous for 8 (or more) hours hiding in the toilet on breaks, it's just so tiring and it's mentally and physically exhausting, i'm a wreck, i can't even "enjoy" life/things outside of this, i feel like a zombie and i feel like jumping under a truck on my way home.. everything just hits me and i suddenly think of everything i hate about myself and what makes me unfit for anything, life basically, how i won't ever be normal, how no one would ever like me or even tolerate me or "get" me/this (IRL), no one other than my family will accept that i am like this.. and that this is "a thing,"
what makes it all even much worse is that i'm a really, Really.. unfortunate looking woman, to put it mildly.. and people are just grossed out by that, this + my behaviour just makes me repulsive in everyones eyes, women/men alike.
please what do i do? should i keep the job, do my thing, wait if they fire me themselves eventually? how to ignore people staring at me and obviously talking about me behind my back? both bullying/mocking and friendly concern makes me feel really awful.. when they :pity: me because of how pathetic i am.
should i make up some kind of story like "i have autism" so they maybe at least won't ask me all the time why i'm so quiet/don't talk/laugh/interact with others because then they'll may be like "it's probably that autism thing, idk exactly what that is but i don't really care that much and i have my answer so there's that," or maybe it's not a good idea because they could always ask me to elaborate on that, ask about diagnosis, specifics, or what is it in the first place and it'll be difficult to lie when i'm so nervous and can't even form a sentence that'll make sense can't imagine making some sh** up on top of that..
or maybe tell them the truth about anxiety disorder? it's not as well known as autism and can be taken less seriously or seen as something that's "made up" i don't know, i also dk how they'll react..
should i take medication? the problem with that is, it makes me sleepy, and well you can't have that, i need to do my job not walk there half-conscious.. maybe you can recommend something that helped you chill a little at least but not made you tired..
surely common advice is to just "ignore people" and think about all this like a dream or a second-life, the second i walk out of the place it's another world and just forget about what these people saw and what they think of me "why should i care" but yeah it doesn't work like that, i just can't calm myself and after that i can't just forget..
did any of you ever had a panic attack in public and can share their story and how people reacted to you or can you relate to any of the things i wrote, did you handle the situation/s somehow? what would you recommend? how can i cope? what to tell people if they tell me "not to be shy"? should i tell them it's not just shyness? that it's not that simple? i know i'm a weirdo but i can't stand people being aware of that.. i hate lying about my age because i behave like a child.. it's all so awful and painful.. it's only the end of my second week, i'm scared that eventually the bullying will start, it always does, i dealt with this my whole life and i'm so tired, and i feel like i'm more ill every year, each year even harder to handle