serious anxiety at work, scared half to death of everything

sorry about my basic english

what to do if you have a sort of panic attack at work, how to explain it to people who are rather ignorant and don't know what it is how it feels like and never before in their lifes witnessed anyone behaving like that and are probably creeped out and completely flabbergasted by all this, how to explain them that.. exactly what caused it, what i was panicking about..

people get shyness but not on this level, i'm afraid they'll be scared of me like i'm hysterical and potentially dangerous lunatic,

i behave bizarrely in general but mostly just come off as very shy and weird and it wouldn't be that big of a deal but sometimes and unfortunately more often recently the anxiety/uncomfortable-ness is just unbereable and i literally feel like i'm about to choke and die on the spot, i can't breathe, i can't swallow, my eyes pop out and are all bulgy or i have this kind of tic where i close my eyes very tightly, blink in a weird robotic way,
i constantly have this gross weird unnatural expression on my face and oh god when someone talks to me or ask something when i'm in this state, first of all i can't answer them, i just can't physically speak not that i don't know what to say i just can't blurt it out, another thing my eyes will be all over the place, looking everywhere but the person's direction, if i'll be able to say anything it'll be in a whisper which as you can imagine is just.. ugh it's just terrible,

thing is you can tell just how uncomfortable i am and people wonder why, what's wrong, what did they do, they just asked a question/said something to be friendly what's this response or lack of.. why i react like this, you know..

today i had to go to the bathroom because it got too much and i could tell if i don't leave now i'll burst to tears or start to hyperventilate or something, i still feel like everyone knew that i just wanted to hide because normally i don't go to bathroom at all and i don't drink at work so it'll be weird if i needed to take a piss every half hour all of a sudden.. so this thought is not pleasant but it's better than them witnessing me acting bat-shit crazy WITHOUT anyone doing anything to me or anything happenning to me (in their eyes anyway),

the thing is, what if they'll witness me having a "panic attack" in the future? should i just resign from work after something like that? if i wouldn't get fired or sent to the psychologist office anyway.. how can you show yourself again after something like that, people will never forget that and they'll always view you in a negative way and see as off-putting/ gossip about you/the accident.. i fear that this will happen eventually.

were you in that kind of situation? is your SA this bad or can you pass as "normal"? i can't make small talk, i can't smile at people, someone would look at me and smile and i just stare at them completely emotionless (what makes it worse is that i have a kind of bi*ch face and they may think i'm rude) or look away or at the floor, my face is paralyzed i just cannot smile, the same with jokes they tell or anecdotes they share, i could laugh even when i don't find them funny i know i can fake a laugh but not when i'm this stressed, so again, may come off as rude,

this is all one huge disaster, the job is really important and i feel like just job-wise, like doing the job properly, i can make it but the social thingy.. i can make it too i guess but what kind of life is it, going there 5 days per week feeling nauseous all the time constantly so nervous for 8 (or more) hours hiding in the toilet on breaks, it's just so tiring and it's mentally and physically exhausting, i'm a wreck, i can't even "enjoy" life/things outside of this, i feel like a zombie and i feel like jumping under a truck on my way home.. everything just hits me and i suddenly think of everything i hate about myself and what makes me unfit for anything, life basically, how i won't ever be normal, how no one would ever like me or even tolerate me or "get" me/this (IRL), no one other than my family will accept that i am like this.. and that this is "a thing,"

what makes it all even much worse is that i'm a really, Really.. unfortunate looking woman, to put it mildly.. and people are just grossed out by that, this + my behaviour just makes me repulsive in everyones eyes, women/men alike.

please what do i do? should i keep the job, do my thing, wait if they fire me themselves eventually? how to ignore people staring at me and obviously talking about me behind my back? both bullying/mocking and friendly concern makes me feel really awful.. when they :pity: me because of how pathetic i am.

should i make up some kind of story like "i have autism" so they maybe at least won't ask me all the time why i'm so quiet/don't talk/laugh/interact with others because then they'll may be like "it's probably that autism thing, idk exactly what that is but i don't really care that much and i have my answer so there's that," or maybe it's not a good idea because they could always ask me to elaborate on that, ask about diagnosis, specifics, or what is it in the first place and it'll be difficult to lie when i'm so nervous and can't even form a sentence that'll make sense can't imagine making some sh** up on top of that..

or maybe tell them the truth about anxiety disorder? it's not as well known as autism and can be taken less seriously or seen as something that's "made up" i don't know, i also dk how they'll react..

should i take medication? the problem with that is, it makes me sleepy, and well you can't have that, i need to do my job not walk there half-conscious.. maybe you can recommend something that helped you chill a little at least but not made you tired..

surely common advice is to just "ignore people" and think about all this like a dream or a second-life, the second i walk out of the place it's another world and just forget about what these people saw and what they think of me "why should i care" but yeah it doesn't work like that, i just can't calm myself and after that i can't just forget..

did any of you ever had a panic attack in public and can share their story and how people reacted to you or can you relate to any of the things i wrote, did you handle the situation/s somehow? what would you recommend? how can i cope? what to tell people if they tell me "not to be shy"? should i tell them it's not just shyness? that it's not that simple? i know i'm a weirdo but i can't stand people being aware of that.. i hate lying about my age because i behave like a child.. it's all so awful and painful.. it's only the end of my second week, i'm scared that eventually the bullying will start, it always does, i dealt with this my whole life and i'm so tired, and i feel like i'm more ill every year, each year even harder to handle

You are taking life too seriously. It should be an easy ride for most of us in developed countries if we're competent enough to hold a job and get some roommates.

I repeat, you are taking life too seriously. You are taking YOURSELF too seriously. You say you hear generic advice like "ignore people" or something along those lines, but do you actually hear it? Or are you too consumed in yourself to truly understand it? Fear only exists because we create it in ourselves. There is rational fear like a predatorial attack or an irrational fear like social anxiety.

I have had extreme cases of social anxiety and BDD in the past which I've tried to cure with drugs and other extreme self cutting measures but all of that is a waste of your time. Clearly you don't love yourself, so why not fix that? Take action in life because going around and telling people you are autistic is you refusing to acknowledge the real problem and instead lowering your self esteem further. That is not a solution, it's just adding on top of the problem.

You were born with this skin and this body and face, no one chose to be born this way, but is something as meaningless as the way you look going to stop you from sailing through life happily and with your head up high?

All it takes is a little step forward. If you want me to help you further, shoot me a private message and I'll talk to you one on one. I'm just a normal person who is willing to be a listening ear.

I have SA, but nothing like I did when I was younger. Mine was like yours, terrified of everyone. I couldn't make eye contact, stammered and blushed, froze, couldn't talk, but did hold down jobs like you. For some reason, after a divorce, and going through it totally alone, it improved to the point that I'm actually outgoing now, even though I still have SA around certain people. Try to force yourself to do things that make you uncomfortable when outside of work. I didn't go to a restaurant by myself until my 20s, so I forced myself to do it, and it helped, little by little. Found a little table in the corner and just kept going. Keep doing this sort of thing in little ways and I think this will help. For example, I also was an extra in a movie, which was fun, and got me out of my comfort zone.

Try not to be to harsh on yourself. I also had trouble with my appearance and feeling ugly. This will also improve if you try and accept yourself for who you are. I just tell myself, Marin stop it, it just doesn't matter.

Carmel wrote:I have SA, but nothing like I did when I was younger. Mine was like yours, terrified of everyone. I couldn't make eye contact, stammered and blushed, froze, couldn't talk, but did hold down jobs like you. For some reason, after a divorce, and going through it totally alone, it improved to the point that I'm actually outgoing now, even though I still have SA around certain people. Try to force yourself to do things that make you uncomfortable when outside of work. I didn't go to a restaurant by myself until my 20s, so I forced myself to do it, and it helped, little by little. Found a little table in the corner and just kept going. Keep doing this sort of thing in little ways and I think this will help. For example, I also was an extra in a movie, which was fun, and got me out of my comfort zone.

Try not to be to harsh on yourself. I also had trouble with my appearance and feeling ugly. This will also improve if you try and accept yourself for who you are. I just tell myself, Marin stop it, it just doesn't matter.

It is six months since you wrote this but I do agree with all that you said. My confidence was at rock bottom, the lowest it could possibly be some 18 years ago. Living life with zero confidence, being chronically self conscious and the panic attacks and off the scale anxiety that comes with that, does make living life so incredibly difficult.

At my lowest point I was out of work for a year after graduating, I was so scared of just leaving the house, couldn't make eye contact with anyone, I was scared senseless about everything.

Now my life is so completely different, I have come so far and achieved so much and the two pieces of advice I can put it all down to is to be the best version of yourself you possibly can be - in both nature/personality and looks. Feeling as good as you possibly can about yourself gives you more confidence and makes you less self conscious.
And secondly, as you say Carmel, you have to force yourself to gain confidence and experience by doing the things you find so hard. Practice really does gain experience and confidence. One thing I absolutely feared when I started work many years ago was the phone. I had panic attacks when it rang and would just never ever make a phone call around others. But through necessity and doing it hundreds and hundreds of times I am now confident on the phone and excellent on it too.

Take every opportunity that will gain value to yourself. Every time you take the easy option and don't do something or avoid something, you literally are going backwards. Confidence can be built, anxieties can be eased. It is like driving a car. The first time you get in a car you are anxious, scared, no confidence that you can do it. Even when you pass your test and have a driving licence you are still extremely inexperienced and still have anxieties. But by driving day after day, you in time become confident and no longer anxious. Life is the same.

It is hard, living life feeling scared to death of living life is so difficult but it will improve and just remember, 5 years on from the present day, no one ever will remember this day or think about this day. It is all in time meaningless. Live life as if you are living the day 5 years ago and everyone else no longer remembers anything of it.