Social phobia - getting tired of it

My roots of social phobia was probably in me from when I was born, I was always the quiet and shy one. Never had any friends or long term relationships, which is fine by me. I don't blame social phobia for it, it's just I have nothing to do with people at all. Every social situation is either boring, or stressing. When I feel comfortable around some people, I would say that I am even arrogant and careless towards them. When I don't, I am exactly opposite of arrogant, I am just passive, avoiding talking as much as I can, giving quick one word responses, because mostly I can't even think normally .. all my consciousness is taken by the anxiety. So I just give up, there is no sense of me being around people, when neither me and people are gonna have any beneffit from it.

However world is still full of people and I just can't understand why I can't act freelly and naturally around them when I could care less about their opinion. Sometimes the anxiety even switches to anger on myself and everything around me just for getting the anxiety constantly, with no reason. It's really frustrating and sounds easy to overcome - JUST DONT CARE. But why is the not caring so hard? I don't need any of the people to like me, because I don't like them too, but why the social ######6 phobia still works then? I mean, what even if I do something I am scared of, like say something stupid, drop the glass or fall off? I still have home, job and that's not something I'm gonna lose if some judgemental dick laugh at me. Not to mention that the people are possibly far less judgemental than I think. And I guess many social phobiers have the similar feelings, but struggling with realization. Because when in anxiety, all these rational things doesnt exist. Just the people. And what they think about us.

Most of my social phobia developed during school years, because all I was doing was adjusting to others and was forced to listen and learn things I didn't care about. I was not able to say "no" to the things I could. Now I am 24, working for 4 years, have no issues with colleagues, they are tying to be tolerant, no one forces me to do anything i don't like, I have nothing to be stressed about or scared of, just the social phobia ... itself ..

What are your opinions? Isn't it just about how we interpret the reality and other people? Aren't other people from our perspective much more important for us then we are for them? Don't you think it is caused mainly by lack of self reflection? Could it be caused by not feeling appreciated when young?

Btw it may be little unclear what I am really looking for, so I'll just add some "details"

The first symptpom of social phobia was anxiety around unknown people. As a kid (6 - 10) from what I can remember, I was always anxious around some kind of people and never get comfortable with them. I could get comfortable only with specific people (my parents and some of their friends). I didn't have friends of my own age. And probably I even didn't want to, I just liked to be alone (or with parents). My parents couldn't even get me to infant school, because I started crying just when they left, so they had me to get private "baby sitter". The first real contact with people of my age was at the elementary school. And I have no good memories from that either. I just remember being always alone and rejecting social contact. I changed 3 elementary schools, but nothing much changed about it. Maybe it get little better at the last elementary, I was there for 6 years. I can say that I was feeling quite comfortable around class mates.

When I was 15 years old, I was once having lunch in crowded canteen and didn't feel very comfortable. That's the first time I was in such anxiety, that I started to fear of my hands shaking and had to leave. From that very moment I just had it fixed and until now it just got worse. I started to avoid public eating.

Anyway around 18 years old i visited psychiatrics and got prescription for SSRIs and some sedatives. I was on medication for 2 - 3 year with some interruptions. And yes, those meds was really helping. It opened so much new options and possibilites for me I was able to do. And I really felt like the phobia is behind me. I wasnt feeling any anxiety or shame at all. Even tho there were things I should be ashamed about, but I was finally free and didn't care about anything much. Then I stopped taking the meds and unfortunately after a year the phobia slowly in increments relapsed to it's full glory. And that's what I am in now. Again exactly where I was 6 years ago.

Now I am not sure what to do. The meds were fine and they helped, but they might helped a little bit more than I needed. I started drinking and things like that (yes, I know that while taking meds it's not very recommended, but ...), partying and even started to want to know new people. I wanted to catch up what I couldn't do before. I was sleeping better, I was waking up better, everything was good, no worries.

But I am not sure if that is the life I want in a long term. When I think about it now, I kinda like my life as it is, I just dont want to feel anxious all the time. I just need some inner peace. I think those meds might have influenced some of my decisions which I would do now diferently.

On the other hand, I think I was much more immature when I started taking the meds. Now I know what to expect from such meds and would be probably more responsible. But still I am pretty scared about losing the little I know about myself.

So that's why I am looking for some practical information about social phobia, if it's possible to "cure" that just by changing the way I am thinking. I already changed my life style, started sporting and trying to be more active. It does make me feel better, but it does not lower my anxiety level. At least for now. I have already tried CBT (before the meds), but without success.

If you don't already know but there is / has been a major push to the masses for collective mental consciousness .. So so its not a coincidence for people like ourselves to feel ours being drained.. I won't go into details but it has been a. Personal journey trying to understAnd myself and the way the atmosphere around me operates. It is taxing I know but there is a calming when you begin to understAnd this mental phenomenA has nothing to do with your lack of anything. You are a normal person and a clear thinking.. it's just a collective atmospheric gathering that you have not submitted to nor need to... I will not let myself be fooled so I am peace with both my realities and the universe has given me peace about my choice.

STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF and if you want to be part of that collective it's not that hard and IF NOT that's fine as well;; just more work

*mod edit* I think the solution to your problem now, while vague, is to feel the enjoyment of progress in something youre passionate about.

For whatever reason, when I body-build and get stronger, other people around me feel less significant. They feel like candles that can be blown out by wind, which i perceive is being easily influenced.

Feeling more alive than them lets me say whatever I want, and I enjoy things that I otherwise wouldnt. The overconfident and bold things that I say cant be challenged, because im now invincible, so they cant be offended- after all, the majority will value a big, strong guy over stick-people.

This might sound rude and stuff, but sometimes I think people would prefer this. Its like they needed a strong role-model to look up to. The entire situation changes how I hear people say things too, which is strange. Boring people might become fun, and girls I thought I liked seem like manipulative liars. It makes me feel like im a king with great power, but i should exercise great responsibility. Because of all of this, I dont even need to stay social or have regular outings with people. Its very convenient.

thats all i got. i need to leave now