Does this sound like social phobia to you?

I have not seen Tom, the common law husband of my friend, in about 5 years, even though they live a few blocks away in my small town.

Andrea and Tom met several (perhaps 9-10) years ago when they were in college. After college, Andrea had a full time job at a reasonably well known company in the same city and Tom worked in that city too. A couple of years later, Tom got a job here in the small town where Andrea grew up, which is where I live and so do her parents. At first Andrea was commuting part time to her job in the city from here about 2 hours away), and after a while she quit.

After she quit, I’d talk to her on the phone and she’d tell me she spent the entire day cleaning (and sometimes doing little home repairs or minor renovations). Sometime during the last two years, she told me how she used to do all of these volunteer activities – back when she lived in her college city - and her place was always cluttered and messy because she wasn’t home long enough to clean or tidy it. Tom said the messiness of her apartment was out of control and she needed to get it under control. So Andrea ended up quitting her volunteer activities so she could keep it tidier. I thought that seemed controlling..
Recently Andrea said she was exhausted (from her infant not sleeping etc) but she was so worried about keeping things clean she stayed up to clean…she mentioned something about Tom … I think she was afraid of Tom being upset about the mess.

About five years ago when they moved to this small town, I met Tom one night at their place. That’s the only time I have ever spent time with him. A few weeks after that night, I saw him at the grocery store and he saw me and just kind of took off. I asked Andrea about it and she said that Tom is just really shy. Since then she has mentioned once or twice his shyness getting worse.
Our close mutual friend Leslie has had a similar experience with Tom – she also hasn’t seen him in years. She lives in the same town.
The only proof Leslie and I have that Tom still exists is their one year old daughter.

It’s not that Andrea isn’t allowed to see her friends and family (yet?). We never see Andrea when she's with Tom. We are not invited to go into Andrea and Tom’s house when Tom is home – if we are, he’s upstairs sleeping or something. Once I went over to Andrea’s to pick something up when Tom happened to be home. Andrea ran outside as soon as she saw me coming and met me at my car, and made some excuse about it being easier for me to not have to go to the door. Leslie had a similar experience when Andrea insisted that it would be awkward for Leslie to be dropped off at Andrea & Tom’s place, when Tom would be leaving for work at that time (Andrea and Leslie were both meeting me in another town and Leslie was getting dropped of by her husband who needed their vehicle). Then Andrea quickly showed up at Leslie’s and picked her up instead – and it really seemed like it was all so that there would be no seeing or talking to Tom when he left.

I think that Tom has spent a little time at Andrea’s parents house, probably mainly birthdays or holidays. From what Andrea told me, her parents weren’t very welcoming with him and later they told Andrea that Tom should be the one to impress them.
Tom has a strained relationship with his parents. From what Andrea tells me they just aren’t very nice, and they favour his sister. I’m not sure how much he talks to them or sees them, I think at some point he was taking a break from them. His parents have met their child however.

Andrea started telling me about four months ago that her and Tom want to move into the city again. Then later she told me about him wanting to quit his job etc. She said that his body couldn’t handle his (shift) work and also that the guys were picking on him at work. She said he didn’t really know what he wanted to do, but he wanted to change careers and in the meantime he might work in a factory in the city. There would likely be shift work at a factory and the bullying mentality in a factory too so I really didn’t get this.
So Tom quit his job about two months ago, even though Andrea didn’t have one and they have a one year old. Andrea had been taking a course so she could go back to work in a career she wants, but so far she hasn’t found a job yet. She told me she was feeling very pressured.

The other thing I want to mention is that about 14 months ago, Andrea said that Tom was having health problems but she didn’t know if Tom wanted her to say anything. I recall fatigue being an issue … I don’t know what if any real diagnosis there was and if he is still having problems.
Recently, about a week or two after Tom quit his job, I was talking to Andrea in person and said ‘how’s Tom doing?’
Initially, just long enough for me to notice, she widened her eyes, as though perhaps she was afraid. Then she just said “he’s getting used to taking care of Anna (daughter)” --- which is not what I mean by the question at all either. I found her reaction concerning...

Do you think Tom really just “shy” and that’s why Leslie and I haven’t seen him for five years? He has spent time with Andrea's family very recently and with his friends from the city in the last 1-2 yrs, but has spent no time with her girlfriends for years.

Or do you think Tom is controlling in some way and planning to bring Andrea to a city where she doesn’t have her parents and closest friends nearby, and try and keep her home (when she’s not working) and control her; keep her to himself?

Or maybe, it's both...
Thanks in advance for your reply!!

Hi,

While giving opinions on someone who is being described is not ideal. We don't have expectations of being pros.

But enough information to give some thoughts.

People can have various mental issues at the same time. A person with SAD can also be a controlling jerk.

If he is socially awkward it is possible that he uses control to maintain a situation he is comfortable with
That is incredibly selfish.Controlling people need to keep everything to their liking and react badly when something interferes with that. Think Sheldon on Big Bang. He is made to be a funny character, and provides conflict. But his behavior makes him a selfish, insensitive, cruel a hole. And he is very socially awkward.

Perhaps this guy has social phobia, but that takes second place to his controlling his wife, if you are a best friend you can pick on what you mentioned about sensing fear in your friend.

Abuse does not have to be physical to be very damaging. I would take more interest in his controlling behavior and desire to isolate his wife so friends aren't involved. That is where the danger lies. Concentrate on how his behavior may hurt your friend or already has.

He may be an anchor around her but not a threat to her well being. But since he is an unknown quantity, he may be one of those who escalates.

If you are able to go to a woman's shelter and speak to those who run it, they may insights about warning signs. They are in a much better place to take in a situation and make recommendations. They don't start with, Run Away Run Away. If they do, get a second opinion. Look for other resources in and around where you live. To repeat myself. Any of the mental issues one doesn't associate with bad actions, can in some be the start of how a person adapts to it in a truly abnormal way. In psychology one can't be sure with limited info. I see reasons to worry and asking here is start but with a wife and child in uncertain conditions, find the resources that can help and ones that are geared toward woman in families if possible.
All the best. you care enough to make an effort on behalf of your friend. When you get better advice than me. Don't dump all of it on your friend right away, People get used to dysfunctional situations and get comfortable. So if you have time, help her a little bit at a time. and hopefully she will be more open with you. That would be a good thing
All the bests
Barry