What is wrong with me?

Idek where to start. Due to my #######5 old school I developed this deep hatred for people. It's not like I hate every single person that I meet, it's just extremely hard to meet someone that I like. even my friends annoy me. The only person who doesn't annoy me is my boyfriend. Despite this, I still have this annoying need for people to like me, it's extremely easy to make me blush and I know it's bc of my low self esteem and constant self doubts. Sometimes I feel like I'm the baddest bitch and other times I feel like this little crybaby who is afraid to speak up. Most of the time I feel like the second tho.
I don't know what is wrong with me. Like, I get along with people, not sure if I only pretend to or what it is..I can keep eye contact, but im still afraid of saying something that puts others off, it's like as if I value their opinion more than my own.
I go to school (training) and I feel so ######6 mediocre, I'm tired of having to study without actually feeling like it's going anywhere. This state is making me so suicidal and I feel like I'm digging my own grave idk what to do it's like I'm an actor everyday and I don't pretend like everything is perfect, it shows that something is off, but I never tell anyone .. this evening I balled my eyes out just bc I have to study for a test for Friday and I'm so annoyed bc of everything and mostly of myself ..

Hey Prikolna,

What if you didn't have this view of yourself, do you think that it would change whether or not there is something wrong with you? The idea that you hate people, that you are easily annoyed, that you have low self-esteem, that there is something wrong with you.

I believe that if you started with yourself, and your view of yourself, then the view you have of others and the world around you will change as well. I believe that you can be the baddest bitch not just for one night, but for your entire life.

Best regards,

SomethingElse

Hi prikolna,

Fear of being judged poorly is actually quite common. People want to fit in and be part of a group so they try to change. You even mentioned that you are being an actor all those times. It's not healthy for you since you are trying to be someone you're not.

It's certainly not easy to overcome this situation. Being alone is never a good feeling. I know that since I've been a loner pretty much all my life. Yet, it's something you must endure eventually because, when you're an actor, you hang out with a group that you don't belong to. When you finally become yourself, you'll feel each day is easier as a mask isn't needed anymore. With enough time, you'll also find people who are like-minded like you and accept you for who you are.

Just change bit by bit each day. It might seem scary at times but you won't regret it late in life when you have great friends who accept you for who you are. One step at a time and, before you know it, you'll have overcome this issue.