Social Anxiety? Avoidant? Paranoid? Help

Feelings: I want to hide from people. I feel judged. I feel like internally screaming. I want to run away. I want to escape. I don't want to be seen. I don't want to be judged. Hiding is safer. I don't want to interact with people. I feel like I have to wear a mask and I feel drained by concealing myself all day long. I want to quit my job. I feel like people are against me, everyone's against me. Laughter, noises, talking, social interaction, they all make me want to have an anxiety attack. What is wrong with me?

Social anxiety sucks. It totally does feel like everyone is out to judge you. It makes general life outside of your house miserable, and then life inside your house miserable because you're thinking about how ridiculous it all is or ruminating on every social interaction you had that day, last week, a month ago--I've even spent days beating myself up over an interaction that happened years before. You scrutinize every moment of eye contact, every exchange of words no matter how small.

At least, that's been my experience. I don't know if you can relate to that. I've quit many of jobs because of my anxiety. I've also had to hide and exhaust myself doing so. It's not fun.

I wouldn't say anything is wrong with you. I don't consider anything to be wrong with myself. To me it sounds like you're struggling a lot right now and could use some support in getting your life where you want it to be. It's hard, but you're not alone, and you can get to where you want to be. It just takes a lot of time and a lot of work and a lot of new found compassion for yourself. It's okay to have bad days, even if the bad days are every day. Because it won't always be like that. Anyway, just wanted to shout out to you, since I know that place you're in.

Thank you. I appreciate that a lot. I can relate to your post. It's weird, right now I don't ruminate about social interactions I have - but I get chest pain when I pull up to my job. I'm taking various vitamins trying to prevent this, I started working out, but what is taking over my life at the moment is me self diagnosing myself with things. I was 'talking' to guy who gaslit me and was emotionally abusive and ever since then I've had trouble trusting myself and I think everything's something I created in my head. My main problem has been spending hours on hours self diagnosing and researching psychology - which is the most ironic thing in the whole world to be controlling me. My fear of insanity is driving me insane. I just kind of, avoid people. I want to be left alone. I want to be as alone as possible. I've been forcing myself to socialize but it's like - no matter what I'm not living up to the expectations I have for myself. I have a list of to do things and I cant even look at it. I'm avoiding it. I think people hate me or are talking about me or judging me or trying to get me fired and I have to remind myself, "I'm not that important. Nobody cares what I'm doing, they care about what they are doing". I'm insanely self conscious of being seen. My thoughts are, "What are you looking at, I'm none of your business, leave me alone", not "I want so badly to connect, if only I didn't overthink". I want to hide from people. I feel like Amanda bynes hiding from paparazzi with her wig and sunglasses. It's like social pressure is too much to handle. I feel like I work for a job who wants me to be someone I can't be. I hate my job. I hate all of them. I was recently demoted under the terms of someone reporting me to corporate for having my hair braided. Now all I can think about is, "Who is this enemy?" "Who hates me THAT much?". I work with 150 people. I can't escape it. When I am around people I feel like this internal screaming. I just want to get away from all the people.

I know that. I also want to be left alone. I consider it friendly to ignore. And aggression to watch.

And it is.

People are ever watchful. The next thing is they are talking to each other. "Look at how weird he is looking, look at his hair, look at the trousers, theres a stain. Did you see that shoes?".

Judging is obligatory. When I am underway with friends and family, I realise their abprupt and recurring pejorative comments towards the appearance or behaviour of passerbys. This happens on regular basis. It shows that this is a pattern in the mind and socialising of humans.

My thesis: by this othering, the internal social structure of the pack is tightened.

I find this judging offensive. I detest it. My solution. Avoiding people. And to secure my distance and clear the fronts, I prefer doing that, that is unwanted. That they are afraid of doing themselves awaiting the then normally following bullying of the surroundings.

I will not submit. I will not try to integrate. I will not try to assimilate. I will not try to make people like me. By dressing like them, by cleaning my car, by combing my hair, by applying parfume, by acting the feigned smiles and friendlyness and courtesy that is standard. I hear very, very well and far (and that is no paranoia, I am simply extremely more vigilant above the average), I hear that to 66 % of smiles belongs a perjorative comment in the turning away.

Yes, I think integration in social groups is to difficult. It is impossible. Furthermore my favorite example of the effects of assimilation is the Third Reich. Society consists of fellow-runner lickspittles and brown-nosers and liars and bullies from my experience. What the pack orders, they will do. Ethics is inexistant when it comes to securing the own fragile position in the pack.

I don't want any part in this.

I am almost 40 years. I hear the perjorative comments and little sighs and signs already when I am alone. Or when I pass other ppl in cars in my own car.

My paranoia protects me by now. To me it isn't any difference if i project 25 % of the comments that I hear all the tim. Because the 75 real happening % are about 70% more than I will be able to bear. I am sincerely unable to stand the normal standards of social behaviour.

If someone will expose me against my will to social behaviour of groups, I am very sure that one of these days I am going to defend myself in the most extreme way thinkable.

If I can avoid people, I am very happy. The five people I keep contact are fine for me.

I also have decided, that I will never work in any business or office with team work.

Never again. I will do anything to avoid that. There is no action I am not prepared to perform to avoid that happening.

And with almost 40 years I am not going to change. And I don't need, and I don't want to change.

If I were you and someone reported my hairstyling to the managment. I wouldn't tolerate this aggression. I could crack most severely.

Don't be offended by this question, but is it possible you have schizotypal personality disorder? I have been reasearching my issues so much that I know all about the others. What differentiates social anxiety from schizotypal is schizotypal has a disinterest in humans all together and social anxious care too much and that's why they avoid, they care too much of others opinions vs. lacking a desire. I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out about myself, I'm not sure if my hate for people is subconsciously a fear disguised as hate, or a disinterest. I'm not sure if I hate interaction because I want it but don't feel confident enough to attain it, or my trust issues are too strong, or I'm too damaged; or if I hate interaction because I prefer solitude and interaction is a chore.

I have been diagnosed with a distinct social anxiety, and a combined schizoid and paranoid PD with distinct lack of ability of social adaption. But these diagnoses are crutches.

What is true about me, is that I am originally clingy socially, I have a desire for social contact, and interaction. And for symbiosis and mutual solidarity.

The very bad thing is, that I know that people react disturbed towards me.

And they are often so different or somehow incompatible.

I dig the thing that is said about autists "the sight of a human face gives them pains". I can not make use of nonverbal communication adequately, and I will always irritate people. And frontal personal contact leeches on me. After a few minutes of contact with a stranger I feel extremely tense. Like If I am under drugs, and I lose grip. Up to dizziness.

I feel there is very much violence and bullying in normal social interaction, as well as acting, and falsehood.

And it is hard to build up trust. I can build up trust with one person, but I experience if I give a poor image before the peer group of a "friend" then he will also withdraw from me, because it is more important to secure your status within the pack, than with a mere loner.

I also have weaknesses and aggressive potential. Like often I am very brusque in stating critique. And direct. And sometimes even arrogant. And not a lot ppl like, understand or share my type of humor.

But unfortunately I am very vulnerable to indirect nonverbal critique and rejection. It is sometimes very draining for me to go shopping for example, because I feel I receive a lot of negative feedback nonverbally.

These issues started very very early and got totally chronic, I have a tiny scope of action socially. And yet several more issues cementing my need for isolation from social stimulus satiation. The desire for demarcation is the one thing that remains nowadays. So much, that I sometimes think it goes in the direction of passive-aggressive PD.

My conclusion: I will not integrate for sure. I am definitly a social individual. I have some lack of empathy and social competency in some areas, but there are still areas where I think my empathy, solidarity and social competency is above average.

What exactly your problem is, is hard for me to assess. But I bet there are to a degree overlaps in "mechanisms".

Alright so I am currently making a book right now, I didn't really know what my issues were until I unraveled them in writing. In the book I made up my own diagnosis because I am unable to seek therapeutic help with my really terrible health insurance and I am unable to self diagnose because if it was up to my own self diagnoses I would diagnose myself with cancer, every mental disorder that exists, Multiple Sclerosis, Heart Disease, and I will also start to worry that my life expectancy is deeply diminished by statistics that tell me people like me do not live long. Here is the segment of my book where I make up my own disease; and I do not want this label as a crutch or excuse for my behavior because based on my personality and social anxiety's, all a label would do is make me feel stigmatized, wear a mask even more, and never tell a soul there's anything that I am labeled with out of fear of judgement.


This is my clinical diagnoses, and I call it…
Post Narc - Stockholm Syndrome (PNSS).
I would like to propose a category for a mental disorder induced by post narcissistic gas lighting and abuse; much like Stockholm Syndrome. Much like post-traumatic stress disorder, Post Narcissist Stockholm Syndrome describes a syndrome that is caused after significant exposure to a narcissistic personality or sociopath who mentally and emotionally causes a person to question their own beliefs and judgments in such a way that they have trouble functioning in everyday life. This person is not depressed, they do not have social anxiety, they do not have any other personality disorder; they have been disarmed their natural defense mechanism: self-trust. They are unable to tell the difference between reality and the imagined. They are so deeply influenced that they are unable to even confirm the narcists abuse happened. They are unsure if they had been suffering from a mental break, had been suffering from delusions, or if they had actually been abused. No one knew about the relationship due to the narcs calculating approach; so they cannot ask outside sources for opinions. This leads to further isolation and social anguish. They cannot go to others for support because they do not know if what they have gone through happened or not. They start to feel alone, and "different" from those around them because they are masquerading their own uncertainty. The key that makes this Stockholm Syndrome is the self-blame caused by their self-awareness as well as their ability to be exploited (empathy). Current psychological labels that match similar symptoms are all categorized by a lack/inability/stunted empathy reservoir. These victims are actually victimized by their overly developed self of empathy and deep feelings that they are very in tune with. They feel too deeply, give too easily, and trust that all people mean well and only hurt others out of lack of understanding, or their own displaced hurt. Once their empathy, trust, and giving nature becomes the very thing used against them, they start to mistrust, they become guarded and afraid. After being told they are crazy and imagining things by the narc who devalues their ideas, values and rational is "overthinking", "Psychotic", "crazy", "worrying" etc. The victim starts to believe they deserve the victimization, or that they imagined it, or that they are the abuser and not the other way around. The victim believes the narc is the only one who can save them from themselves and reassure them of the events tangibility. The narc holds the key to their mental and emotional safety, therefor when the abuse is over, the victim identifies with the abuser and believes the narc was their savior, eternally reliant and appreciative of their emotional captor.
Symptoms include:
Paranoia caused by smear campaigning
Extreme fear of losing one’s mind causing one to ironically lose their mind
Abandonment issues caused by the discard
Hypervigilance caused by stalking
Obsessive thoughts caused by addiction to the toxic abuse - the push pull of the relationship - the hope for the positive affirmation the narc once provided but no longer provides after his mask has fallen off
Repeat of toxic relationships in an effort to relive the excitement of the addictive past relationship
Mistrust of others due to devaluation by narc
Realistic based persecutory delusions caused by real events but twisted by one’s belief that their narc is omniscient/omnipresent - may believe they are being stalked, wire tapped, followed, etc. The Narc may actually be committing these acts but the victim is unsure
Social isolation and withdrawal due to fear of being exploited - distrust of others intentions - labeling all insensitive people as sociopaths/narcists out of fear of falling into another vicious cycle
Fear of boredom in any relationship that is not abusive
High self-esteem and self-value that enabled them to escape relationship which eliminates them from other criterion - this disorder or illness can only happen after clarity has come to fruition post break up - silent treatment - discard - or no contact
Anxiety attacks - caused by always being in a state of adrenal crossfire in fear of reappearance of narc
Constant worrying - worrying if one is crazy, wondering if they caused this
Self-blame - may blame themselves for causing this abuse
Shame and guilt for allowing abuse
Maladaptive daydreaming to escape constant state of fear
Trigger of past abusive or traumatic experiences - narc brought forth acknowledgment to repressed memories and inner turmoils not consciously acknowledged previous to narcissistic abuse
Extreme fear, anxiety, and clinginess in response to not receiving automatic responses via text messages and other communication platforms out of fear of the silent treatment, fear of discard, fear of abandonment
Somatic symptoms during silent treatment and post discard - hives, stomach aches, pins and needles, headaches, etc.
hypochondriasis - hours spent per day researching health issues, excessive measures to prevent health issues - excessive vitamin use, BP monitors, etc.
**Symptoms vary based on previous psychological state, length of abuse, how isolated the victim was, past childhood traumas, and personality dispositions.

Causes:
Post narcissistic abuse exposure with narc, borderline, or sociopath – whether this be in the form of a romantic trauma or a childhood trauma, or both. combined with but not limited to, child abuse and neglect in their past.

Comorbidity: anxiety, depression, PTSD, delusion disorder, avoidant personality disorder, social anxiety disorder, GAD, and inverted narcissism.

-- Sat Mar 04, 2017 2:22 pm --

The label is needed to restore self-trust and validate the sufferer’s victimization as concrete and real. The victim must be believed in order to heal or they will become victims to persistent self-questioning and a lack of confidence in their mental state of consciousness.

OK, that is an entirely own/different thing.

I can not understand how someone would not realise somewhen, that he is being made a fool of, and the counterpart is simply untrustworthy.

I understand that it can take longer until a trusting person becomes suspicous.

But I would think that at least a grown person has gatherd enough knowledge of human nature to cut-off an abusive counterpart.

That raises for me the question, if you have a susceptibility to F60.6 F60.7. The Fearful-avoidant component you raised already yourself.

But unless we are talking about a child or juvenile, I find it not sufficient to transfer full responsibility to a narcissist. Playing a role in some relationship is an active part.

I am not saying that there is no abuse or wrongful action of the offender. I am quite sure it is. And if one is trusting, a lot can happen with little own responsibility.

But there is definitly an own share if a grown-up stays in such a relationship. It is counter-productive to dispose off 100 % of responsibility to the narcissist. This might probably be an unhealthy approach. It also depraves you of scope of action.

Sometimes you HAVE to have a relationship with a narcissist. Some people are forced in your life by necessity. If you are a captor of a bank robbery you are forced in that situation, you cannot escape, but you identify with the captor and eventually end up defending the captor. I think that because you are so mistrusting you have never given someone the chance to let you down, so you are unable to empathize. Trust is needed to form relationships, without trust you cannot function properly among others. You may be taking your self protection to an extreme, and that is what I too am doing. A healthy person who has never been wronged and has never wronged themselves, does not understand it when someone who is smarter, more calculated, and lacks empathy, while using charm and manipulation attempts to emotionally murder them. Why would someone do this? I must be imagining it? This accusation is irrational. That is the thought process that had me stay. As soon as I caught on I was out but the damage had already been done. They charm you until they know you are in love, they are nice to you, they treat you with respect, and when they know you are blinded by feelings, they start to mistreat you, they start to manipulate, but as soon as you catch on, they act like it did not happen, they call you crazy, they tell all your friends and family you are crazy, they tell people you are the abusive one, but no one tells you he did this so how would you know to not trust? As soon as you start to set boundaries or attempt to call them out on their abuse as inappropriate they shame you, name call, give you the silent treatment, stalk you to scare you and intimidate you into keeping quiet. But did I imagine being stalked or did it actually happen, I don't know because he told me I'm crazy and so did everyone else because he told them I was. Now do you understand?

-- Sat Mar 04, 2017 2:53 pm --

Because a normal approach on self awareness is, "If everyone is saying it is me, then it must be me", so you start to question that maybe it is you who is the problem.

I wasn't paranoid until I educated myself on narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder and I realize how prevalent they are and I started to fear that if 10 percent of the population has these, and I work with 150 people then 15 of them manipulate you, use you, take advantage of you, and do not care for others on a deeper level. So I have developed a mistrust and fear in knowing that any of my coworkers could be a repeat offended. And now that I know that I have been reported on multiple occasions by multiple people at work - this serves as a confirmation bias of my fear. If someone has it out for me AND has one of these disorders, my career could be at stake; the career I work so hard to maintain. All because I had my hair braided at the same time as I was involved with a narcissist. I also had a narcissist Father, this caused me to be more susceptible as I thought the mans behavior was normal because I had seen it in my past. I may have caused it through lack of awareness or through emotional susceptibility but I did not by any means deserve it. That's where the self confidence comes in, it took me months to not blame myself, it took me months to realize it was not me, it was him.