Hello, I'm Jellyfishwishes, no hug. I didn't know I had this phobia until 1. I moved to the southern U.S. where for some inexplicable reason people HAVE to touch or hug you just to say "hello" and 2. after suffering a severe and sudden breakdown at work due to a drunken kiss (I work security and the woman caught me before I could flinch) and asked my father if I had ever shown any odd quirks (a neurological disorder impairs my memory). You can imagine my relief when I discovered my oddness had a name, and if it has a name it means you're not alone.
(According to my father) I have had a strict code of "hands off" since infancy- strangers and friends could not even hold my hand and even my own mother had to make her presence and intentions known in order to pick me up. I was literally born this way. No trauma, no sad backstory, just the way I am. Since my father suffers from mental disorders (linked to and worsened by the neurological disorder he lovingly passed on to me) he taught me ways to cope and handle myself as soon as he saw I showed the same signs he had. These coping mechanisms worked so well I never knew there was a problem. I naturally avoided hugs, extended hand shakes, sitting or standing to close, or even sharing clothes. It wasn't until I moved out on my own that I began suffering.
After several extremely confusing breakdowns and panic attacks at my jobs I sought professional help. After weeks of sessions he diagnosed me with OCD and Haphephobia. Honestly this was better news than I was expecting- I thought my brain was finally beginning to break down. He taught me ways to meditate, accept, and cope without a bit of medication or even behavioral therapy. Here's where I may lose you.
I am happy the way I am.
I accept that I am odd and "freakish" because the slight graze of fingertips when you pass a customer their change grosses me out. I accept that pats on the back, hugs, or forearm grabs cause anything from numbness, physical aching, a burning sensation, or sudden uncontrollable gags or vocal outbursts (the most common being "GROSS" or "NO no nono..."), the last being the most embarassing.
The only person in my life who can touch me and I can touch them with absolutely no negative feelings or sensations is my husband. I cannot hug or touch my parents, in-laws, friends, or even my 6yr old sister.
However I am here to start a POSITIVE thread for people like me-
We do not HAVE to touch. We do not HAVE to "get over it" as the less-understanding have no doubt told you. We have a right to feel how we do. We have a right to defend our comfort and personal space WITHOUT offending anyone. I would not start this thread if I did not have advice, understanding, and suggestions that I MYSELF use or have tried. I don't want to change, I simply want the pain and negative feelings under control and not offend or hurt those around me. I- and I'm sure you do to- want to live in peace. Here are the steps and measures I take to make life easier on me and those around me.Just because we are different doesn't mean we have to make those around us walk on eggshells, just as they can't make us uncomfortable for them.
1. Touching will happen. Accept it.
Biologically humans are designed for contact. WHEN it happens (if applicable) apologise for your reaction and explain you meant no offense, but would rather NOT be touched. I won't lie to you- this one rarely works. I use this to try to be civil and polite instead of screaming and offending. Be the bigger man. If they start to get upset explain one more time that its not THEM, its you and you have every right to feel as you do and protect your bubble. Simply remove yourself from the situation., You don't have to take disrespect from anyone.
2. Mentally prepare for high-risk contact situations.
My husband and I have a procedure: a few hours before we go anywhere social- parties, family things, etc.- I ask who will be there, if I know them, if there's a hugging risk, if so who, and how much touching/ crowding to expect. This helps me gear up and not be caught off guard or AS disturbed when it happens. Most times I bottle my disgust or pain during the social event and have my freak out or cope-session later when it's over.
3. After step 2 I dress accordingly.
When going to high-risk events I cover as much skin as possible with as many layers as the weather will allow. The clothing offers a SLIGHT barrier that blocks extreme reactions and actually minimizes some pain sensations. This is especially good for situations where reacting negatively or asking not to be touched would get you more attention than is worth it. My in-laws wouldn't accept, understand, or believe in my "condition", so hiding behind a strained smile and making an effort to stay no less than 3ft from anybody that isnt hubby is the best option not to offend AND keep me safe.
4. Anybody with OCD will tell you about "weak" days where its hard or impossible to control.
On days I wake up horrified that someone will touch me in the next 24 hours I take precautions. I prepare my "Please don't touch me" speech, dress accordingly (in the south sleeves are NOT always an option), and actually use my husband or a small object that makes me feel "safe" to anchor me. On weak days you will see me constantly grab my necklace or spin my ring, snapping, or counting to 4 over and over again to avoid a meltdown. Embarassing? Only slightly- most people are too polite or judgemental to ask. Better than a public breakdown? You bet.
Now this is a trick I discovered quite on accident while wearing fingerless gloves for my job- gloves are a WONDERFUL security blanket, and an easily disguisable one at that! Fingerless gloves come in all colours and styles for any outfit WITHOUT the restriction of full-finger gloves and aren't half as odd to see year round.
Now today I'm trying something new: Pantyhose gloves. Thats right- FULL FINGER gloves made of pantyhose material. I buy them online, shorten them to wrist-length and I INSTANTLY feel safe and protected from accidental contact with virtually NO restriction on my life! You can still use touch screens, grip, type, lift- everything all WITHOUT getting gross sweaty palms. My only regret is that yes, they are still obvious gloves, even in the nude colour, but honestly once you accept yourself explaining why you wear them can be part of your "dont touch me" speech and ACTUALLY shows you're serious and not to be tested. I still only wear them on weak days, but there's no reason you can't wear them 24/7. (Severe haphephobes can try cutting a hole in the crotch of pantyhose and snipping off the toes and VIOLA- virtually invisible sleeves!)
5. Support.
This one... this one is hard. I have no family (yes- the father I boasted about in the beginning no longer has anything to do with me but that's not important here) and no friends aside from my husband (all the previously mentioned social things are his friends, family, and work associates I tag along with upon HIS request.)
Typically I rely solely on my own will and control, with help from my security objects and coping mechanisms. But on ocassion I break or falter, and my husband takes over. I won't lie to you- if he hadn't seen me obsess for 2 weeks over the kissing incident, panic (which is VERY unlike me) when we saw her while we were out one day, and saw the scratches on my cheek and ear where I scrubbed the area clean with a fingernail brush he would have never accepted this as real- since I don't suffer noticably when he's around. If I had told him I feel this way he would have laughed it off or called me dramatic. Sadly this is normal for us.Odds are it will take someone witnessing your pain for them to truly understand.
Once you have someone who understands- UTILIZE THEM. Don't lock yourself away or cut yourself off from life. Have them keep an eye out for you. Have them go out with you, act like a social barrier if they have to, and even help you escape if its too much. Have them back you up if someone gets offended at your "please don't touch me". If they're a true friend and you do a good 80% of the work I'm sure they WILL NOT mind helping.
We are Different. We are Odd. We are not Alone.
We have a RIGHT to feel as we do. We have a RIGHT to defend our space and comfort zone. No one has any place to tell US how to feel.
We do not have a right to tell OTHERS how to feel. If we want to be ACCEPTED we must accept OTHERS as well. "Peace" does not mean "Control of others", we must control OURSELVES and ask the same of them.
We're people too. Our preferences and our norms matter too.
We are Different, we are Odd, we are NOT freaks.
If anyone has any other thoughts, feelings, suggestions, stories, or coping ideas I would love to hear them.
....sorry to be so long winded. Honestly I've never spoken so much in my life
but I feel too many of us have suffered quietly for a little too long.Peace and Personal Space,
Jellyfishwishes
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