(first post) Fear of sex + any form of intimacy. Help!

Hi, everyone. I'm new. I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and have been seeing a psychologist as well as a psychiatrist consistently for a year now. The medications have helped tremendously but I'm 23 and I've still never had a bf. I have so much anxiety about becoming intimate with someone. I've never even been kissed! I went out with a guy a few months ago who told me that no one will be patient with me and that all guys will run. I'm currently dating someone whom I haven't divulged my lack of experience. Should I be upfront with him? How do I get over this anxiety? Therapy hasn't helped me get over it and my insurance won't cover it for much longer.

You are not alone, intimacy issues are common in people who have suffered emotional (bullying), sexual or physical abuse; many people who mental health issues have faced these kinds of abuse, so it's safe to say a lot of people of this forum know what you mean.

If by fear of sex you mean phobia-wise, then I don't relate, but if you think it stems from shame and insecurity then yeah I relate, I think many people with SA do too. It's just that no one wants to talk about it.

lifeofsolitude wrote:Should I be upfront with him?

Yes.

lifeofsolitude wrote:I have so much anxiety about becoming intimate with someone.

So do I. You're putting yourself out there a bit at least, and I think that will build up your confidence eventually. I never go on dates so you're braver than me! I'm sure it will be tricky trying to find a suitable partner - we live in a society that encourages sexual expression to the extent that abstaining for whatever reason can lead to disdain and social exclusion.

I would be honest with the new guy you are seeing, even though there's a chance he'll reject you. Better to know where you stand sooner rather than later. He may surprise you and turn out to be patient and open-minded, I hope that's the case. Is he your age? If he is and it doesn't work out, you could try to date someone older if age gaps don't bother you. An older man will probably be more patient and secure in himself and not be put off by your inexperience.

All guys are different. Some will be patient. When I became serious about a relationship, I decided it would be proper to divulge all applicable mental information and history. That was about 2 months in. I had to hide my pill bottles every time she came over before that. She was very understanding and supportive as I figured (otherwise I wouldn't have opened up). You shouldn't lead with "I have mental illness" obviously. But once things are getting serious, I would reveal about one or two months in. As far as lack of experience, same, one or two months in if he hasn't figured it out by then. Different things are to be revealed at different times with your fears/core personality being probably last.

I totally get the fear of being intimate. The closer we get to people, the more their rejection or criticism hurts. This is largely what social phobia is built upon. I am glad the medications are helping you. I know even with proper medication, we still have to force ourselves a bit.

I never had a gf until I was 24. Pretty much same boat as you as far as that. It was intimidating at first, sure. But the key was slowly revealing myself, finding the right girl obviously, and becoming not only lovers but friends. Best friends. Take one step at a time. Don't let it all weigh on you at once so it looks too daunting. Take *any* relationship one step at a time.